Chosen Family

Sometimes I wonder if I have a pattern

with the choices that I've made in my life.

Evan was an obvious douche.

I should've paid attention to the signs.

Dave had crazy eyes.

I never should've gone on the second date.

I mean, look at him!

And Colin did a lot of drugs, just like my sister.

Why am I choosing these people?

There were a few nice ones, but I broke up with them.

Why am I doing this?

All your fault.

Mom and Dad.

Everything's going great. My life is great.

My life is great.

My life is great.

Hi. I'm here for Clio Fitzgerald.

Clio Fitzgerald for discharge.

Sign these papers saying that we released her to your care.

Well, it's not my care. It's my parents' care.

She's staying in their garage.

You need to take responsibility for her.

You gonna take her home?

OK.

Dr. Bender to the mental ward, please.

Mountain View Rehabilitation Center.

So you are off drugs now, right?

Yeah.

I started a workout revolution in that hellhole. Yes, I did.

Everything's gonna be OK.

Right, I just feel really--

- You're so good. - Thank you.

It's like I have...

I have, like, a newfound purpose or something.

I feel like all you need is a catchy name, you know?

- We're with you. - You got something.

Hey, Clio came up with a great new idea.

Punchilates. It's a cross between Pilates and kickboxing.

Ooh, I love this idea.

So you're gonna do a workout class, like mine?

My workout class is nothing like yours. It's better.

It's not for dumb yoga idiots.

It's for badass people that want to destroy shit.

So it's a workout class.

It's Pilates that kicks your ass.

It's a great idea, honey, and I'm proud of you.

-See? -Are you proud of me?

-I have a real class. -Proud? No, no, no.

Not if you're still living in sin with Dave.

-OK, Al- -We broke up.

So why not marry that nice guy from my church group, huh?

He's a virgin.

That's weird you know that.

Oh, that dismissive tone's the voice of Satan in your life.

I don't want to hear about hell again, ever.

Your choices reflect on me.

Don't you want me to go to heaven?

OK, well, I'll keep you posted on my activities,

and how they affect your chances of heaven.

God!

Heal this family!

And should we sin against thee, Lord,

let us be cast in fire and tormented for all eternity,

cursed as we go in, and cursed as we come out.

You be nice to your sister.

Family is only as happy as its least happy member.

Anne, I need to show you something in my craft room.

You alright, honey?

Why did she buy this stuff?

It's like I always told you.

Don't get married, and don't have children.

I could've been a famous singer,

but then I married your father.

I had to take care of you two,

and I had to give up on my dream.

Don't do what I did. Look what happened to me.

Are you saying you wish you didn't have me?

No.

I mean, I had to get vaginal reconstructive surgery

after you were born, but no, I love you both so much.

So much.

Honestly, I love you a little more than your sister.

When is she going to get it together?

-I gotta go. -Always remember,

your career is all that matters.

OK.

I always thought you'd be a star,

but you're yoga teacher, and that's almost as good.

One of us needs to be really important.

I've got to put this family on the map.

Now, look, look.

I've made an album, and I'm going to drop it online.

Have you heard about this? Dropping music?

It's what everybody does these days.

You know, no run-up, just midnight release,

and boom, you're Lady Gaga.

It's time I do something with my life.

-You have done something. -Listen to my tracks

and tell me if I'm any good.

And if you think I'm any good, I'll drop it.

And if you don't think it's good, I- I won't drop it.

Why ask me? I'm not in the music business.

You listen to music, and I trust your opinion.

Please get back to me as soon as possible.

My dreams await your answer.

- Hey. - Hey. How'd it go?

Can I come over?

Oh no. That bad, huh?

OK, so I need the opinions

of my very best taste testers.

Does it go on the opening night menu?

Yes!

Please teach her how to cook.

I could.

Can you believe, six months ago,

this place was called "Cap'n Ahab's Crab Shack"?

That's a mouthful.

And now I think, honestly,

we are, like, a year from getting a Bib Gourmand,

which is the rating just under one star

in the Michelin guide.

I just want to say congratulations

on opening your first restaurant.

I am so proud of you guys.

You're gonna make an ass-load.

Yes, please.

We absolutely have to, 'cause right now,

we are in staggering debt.

Yes, you are.

No more doom and gloom, Max.

-Think positive. -Yeah, no more Mr. Worryface.

-No more Mr. Worries? -No more Mr. Worries.

No more Mr. Worryface.

Oh, alright.

Yes, you can call me Mr. Worryface.

Well, I am so proud of you.

This is such a big dream of yours. Yeah.

Smooch, smooch, smooch!

Smoochie! I love Auntie Anne.

What about Auntie Roz?

-Where's the love there? -She loves me more.

Well, I can't imagine that could be true, my lady.

How do you stand on that?

You're both good.

-OK. -She's a diplomat.

See? Have a kid. It's great.

Well, I don't have a boyfriend,

and I deleted Dave from my contacts.

Did you put your app profile up?

-No. -Well, I got your passwords.

I'm going home and I'm doing it for you.

You have terrible taste in boyfriends.

And S-H-I-T passwords.

I can spell.

You helped me through my divorce,

and I'm gonna help you here.

This is a bad boyfriend intervention.

You need to stop dating losers.

-It's not an intervention. -Yes, it is.

No, we have nothing to do with this.

You are on your own, Roz.

You're gonna just let me sit here?

-Absolutely. -OK.

I do want to break my pattern.

OK, so you do admit that you have a pattern.

What do you think, Max?

What about the guy who had all the panic attacks?

Well, um...

Or the workaholic with erectile dysfunction?

Or the drug addict that actually overdosed?

Or the guy who had all the temper tantrums in public?

Or the one who ended up in a mental institution

because he walked into a bar waving a toy gun?

Or the guy who refused to admit that he wore a toupee,

even though it fell off in front of you?

-Hey, what about Sean? -I liked Sean!

-Sean was great. -Sean was great,

but then she broke up with him for no reason, remember?

Maybe this is an intervention.

-Thank you. -OK, but not a planned one.

I don't care. Impromptu intervention.

-It's still important. -Right.

No more basket cases for me.

-Yay! -Great.

Oh my god. Yes, please.

Hey, guys.

-Hi! -Hey, buddy.

-How are you? -Steve.

It's just a vibe check with the doors.

Roz, Anne, this is my contractor, Steve.

-Hi. -Hi. It's nice to meet you.

This is my daughter, Lily.

-Hi. -Hi, Lily. I'm Emma.

Nice to meet you.

You can say hi.

-Hi. -Steve,

you are very attractive, almost alarming so.

Uh, thank you.

Well, that is what everyone looks for in a contractor.

I mean, it's on the list.