Miranda

Hello to you and thanks for joining. This is exciting, isn't it? Eh?

Now, let me get you up to speed.

Previously in my life, my mother tried to marry me off...

Someone please marry my daughter.

I'm not asking for money.

I'm literally giving her away.

LAUGHTER

She was upset because I'd just told her how I blew my inheritance.

I bought a joke shop.

No, I love it. Although I am worried that hiring my oldest friend to manage it was a mistake.

And that is how we will take this franchise global.

It's a bit much, isn't it?

I mean, we're just a little shop that sells...

SQUEAKING

Shush and submit.

KLAXON SOUNDS

And today I'm over-excited because apparently Gary Preston's back from his travels. He's lovely.

But I always make a cockup if I see him.

Well, there's never any cockup involved, if you see what I mean.

How naughty!

Oh, but the last time I saw him...

Got to dance to this one.

# Stop right now thank you very much

# I need somebody with a human touch

# Hey you, always on the run

# Got to slow it down baby, got to have some fun. #

Say nothing.

We'll speak no more of and let's crack on with the show.

Morning, Stevie. Afternoon.

It's nearly lunchtime.

Oh, the trains are a nightmare. It was a hellish journey.

You live upstairs.

There were leaves on the carpet.

That's a good one. What's up with you?

It's delivery day!

Right, you can make a start with the chocolate penises.

Pff!

Sorry. Every time!

They're like willies, but chocolate.

Stevie, they're funny. They're like willies but chocolate.

Nothing from you.

Quite realistic, aren't they? Not really, no.

Aren't they?

LAUGHTER

Can we just concentrate?

But it's nearly lunchtime. I'm meant to be having a reunion lunch with the girls.

You hate the girls.

I know. But as Tilly says,

when you're dumped in a boarding school dorm aged nine,

you'll bond for life, even if you hate each other.

Or in my case, get embarrassed being out with people with public school nicknames.

In my class, Milly, Tilly, Bella, Bunty, Hootie, Pussy, Puggle and Podge.

No, you're right. I'm not going. Good girlie. Work, not shirk. Or do you want our business to fold?

My business.

Right, I'll get it.

Could you sign there, please?

There you go, sir.

LAUGHTER

Did he just call me sir?

He just called me sir.

It's fine when they're not really looking,

notice the height, call me sir, look up, "Oh sorry, madam". That happens.

He looked straight at me, still thought sir was the right option.

Right, that's it. As a girl, I am going to my girlie lunch.

Tell you what, why don't you get these out?

Honk! Honk!

That might help.

Miranda.

Good morning, Mum. How are you?

Are you engaged yet?

Not since you asked last night, no.

And I said "Good morning, Mum. How are you?" Don't get emotional.

We're not Spanish.

So, news just in.

Call me Fiona Bruce.

Fiona Bruce.

Benji has at last split up from that ghastly fish woman.

Right, I've said it before, I will say it again.

I'm not marrying my cousin. It didn't stop Uncle John and Aunt Liz. They're very happy.

Yes, but their son isn't.

Far too fussy.

This is Surrey. No-one minds.

Such fun.

This isn't our delivery. This is a load of baby stuff.

This very much needs sorting out.

Right. I'm off.

Well, my lunch is very important.

It's what us elegant girls about town do.

Don't you mean elephant girls?

I amuse myself.

Well, at least I'm not too small that I can't get on all the rides at Thorpe Park.

Well, at least I don't have to go to specialist clothes shops.

Where are those jeans from? Sorry?

Big And Long. Yes.

Well, doesn't mean I can't be feminine.

Look at that. Yeah, working it.

It's all about the recovery.

APPLAUSE

How can a man think a woman is a man?

I mean, I do have a penis, but that's chocolate. Actually...

That would look wrong in public, wouldn't it? Em...

LAUGHTER

No way. It's Gary Preston.

OK. Calm. Compose myself.

Smile.

Miranda? Hi. How are you?

Are you OK?

You look like you're in pain.

No, no, I'm fine.

It's just trapped wind.

Ah, that's better.

So, Gary, what are you doing here?

I work here. I'm the new chef. Started last week.

Oh, wow, my shop's next door. No way!

It's great to see you. It's been ages.

LAUGHTER

Have you been eating chocolate?

Well...

To be precise, it's actually coc... co... cockolate!

So, how was Malaysia?

Yeah, great. It's good to be back, though.

Really? Well, you know, you can have too much fun.

Thought I'd come back and settle down. Be sensible.

Joined a gym yesterday.

The one round the corner?

Yeah, do you go? Loads.

Never.

Yeah, no, I'm really into keeping fit, Gary.

Great. What's your sport? Gymnastics.

That's it.

I'll work with that. I am a gymnast, Gary.

Wow. Wow indeed. I mainly do ribbons.

LAUGHTER

You might have seen me at the last Olympics, actually.

Although I wasn't on telly much

cos you will have noticed that a lot of gymnasts are quite manly,

have no curves or breasts.

That's one category, not mine. I'm in the bustier section.

It's less televised.

It's only in widescreen.

Gymnasts, busty is the category.

Right.

Right. Good. Well, I'd better get back to work.

The new job and everything. Let's catch up soon.

Great. Lovely. OK.

Well, that all went very well, I thought.

Luckily I enjoy living alone.

APPLAUSE

Carl... Can't talk now. I'm working.

Oh, wish me luck. Girls' lunch.

I have to go. Here she is. Oh, look.

Utmost curiosity! Tilly. Best B forever.

THEY SCREAM

Kissingtons.

Mwah!

And... Fanny!

Queen Kong.

I prefer Miranda, if that's OK.

Oh, no, it has to be Queen Kong.

You look exactly the same.

You're the Empress of Kong.

You're Kongoleezza Rice.

TEXT MESSAGE ALERT Oh, hang on. Bear with. Bear with.

Bear with.

Back.

So, what's new?

Well...

TILLY SCREAMS

FANNY SCREAMS

MIRANDA SCREAMS

Oh, hideola. Poor Kongers.

No, I'm really pleased for you both.

Marriage and babies, it's not for me.

It's only what my mother wants.

Seriously, though, is your mother coping OK? She's fine.

SHE SOBS

So, Queen Kong, we're arranging this shopping bonanza.

Oh, girls' shopping trip, yay!

Will you come with? Marvellismos!

I've only got limited windows, so I think we should probably go somewhere boutiquey, quite small...

TILLY AND FANNY MUMBLE

So, I suggest we meet just there tomorrow afternoon,

shall we say four?

Brillo pads!

Where are we going? I didn't quite catch it.

Wedding dress shopping.

Kill me!

Right, ladies.

What can I get for you? Madam?

Madam! Brilliant, thanks, Gary.

Stevie, Stevie, Stevie, Stevie!

Stevie! Stevie! Stevie!

I won't stop! Stevie, Stevie!

A little bit busy!

I just saw Gary, he's working next door. No way! And?

I told him I was an Olympic gymnast.

Why? You know when you get nervous socially, you end up lying to impress? No.

Exactly, we all do it.

So, what's going on in here?

They haven't taken the baby stuff back.