Mrs Brown's Boys

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!

It's going to be a very fancy wedding, Dermot.

I know. I wish they'd picked somewhere else. It's too fancy.

Here, Auntie Mary and Tommy the sprinter's coming.

We'd better make sure this place has a disabled entrance.

He has only one leg.

It's the Ritz Crown Hotel, Mammy.

It has everything.

Annie Gibney is coming. She's an alcoholic.

We'd better make sure it has a disabled exit as well.

Your Uncle Gonzo rang.

He wanted to know what "morning wear" was.

I told him just to come in his pyjamas.

That's what I mean, too fancy. A seven course meal, Mammy.

It'll be nice, Dermot.

Mammy, there are people dying of starvation in the world.

Fine, what's their names? I'll put them on the list.

Just forget it. Mrs Nicholson needs to know how many are coming

from our side by the end of the day.

Well, with Cathy and Mick...

Mick's not coming. He has to work. He can get off for a wedding.

He's not coming. End of discussion.

Well, with Cathy dumped, that means... 43.

Oh, are you bringing a girl to the wedding, Rory?

Well, I was going to invite Dino from work.

Oh, lovely! You'll probably both be bringing girls.

I'll put it down as 46!

Well. Mammy... Not now, Rory.

Right, Mammy, will you ring Maria's mother and let her know today? I will.

That way, I can go to the stag party with me head clear.

And we can go to the hen party with our head clear.

How are you, Winnie?

Cup of tea, love? Ah, no, love.

I'm heading down to hospital to visit Jacko.

And I'm bringing him home this week. Again?

Well, Dermot, are you all set for the big day? More or less.

Fancy hotel and all, eh?

Your father would be very proud of you. Lord rest him.

Yeah, whatever.

I'll never forget what my father said to me the first time I went to prison. What did he say?

Hello, son.

Come on, you. Let's pick up the suits. I have to get to work.

Hang on, Dermot, I'll take a lift with you.

Mammy? Yes, love? If you get a chance, can I have a chat with you?

You can have a chat now if you like.

No. Later, just you and me.

All right, love. See you later.

Mammy, you should give the hen party a miss.

It's going to be all, you know, young people.

Cathy, you're only as young as you feel, and me and Winnie

feel like two cocker spaniels in heat.

Woof, woof!

OK, you are not invited.

You're too old for hen parties, so you're not invited.

Are you happy now you got me to say it?

It's a hen party for young people.

It's embarrassing watching old women pretending to be teenagers!

You leave Winnie alone!

There's Grandad banging down again.

Is there anybody down there?

Mammy?

No!

Who's that, then? Polly the fuckin' parrot.

Now, go to sleep. Me hot water bottle is leaking.

What did he say? His hot water bottle is leaking.

He doesn't have a hot water bottle, Mammy!

Cathy, go up and see what he wants, will you?

I'll get our clean sheets.

Never mind clean sheets, get a fookin' lifeboat.

That's the first time, you know.

First time I've been told that I'm too old for something.

The cheek of her!

I think it's all right to pretend to be a teenager,

or anything else you want to be.

He's grand. Not yet, Winnie. Jesus!

I mean, after all, God knows you're an adult for long enough.

I think you should stay as young as you can for as long as you can.

OK, Winnie.

He's grand. Cathy sorted him out.

We're going to that hen party.

Agnes, you heard what Cathy said.

We're not invited. Cathy is not the boss of us.

Now, listen, we have to find out where it is,

and we're going to crash it.

I'll show them how to party!

I thought they were extinct.

We're home, Mammy.

Hello, Cathy. Hello, Betty.

Well, you two have been busy.

I'm exhausted, but it was worth it.

I got me dress for the wedding. Oh, give us a look at it. Where's Maria?

At home at her mother's.

We just came from there. We had tea on the patio. Patio?

Excuse me!

Rory and Dino were there, going over the hairstyles for the big day.

That's nice. Da-da!

Is Ann Summers selling off their old stock?

No, Mammy, it's me dress for the wedding! What do you think?

It's very feckin'...

what's the word I'm looking for?

Classy. Red!

It's supposed to be red.

Is it supposed to be slapper red?

Ah, Mammy! Let me look at it again.

I didn't really see it.

Turn around. Not you, the feckin' dress!

I suppose it will be fine. I better put it away upstairs.

Do, Cathy, and hide it.

I'm telling you, if word gets out that that's here,

we'll be broken into. By the fashion police.

I'll see you tomorrow night, Betty - for the hen party!

Right, Cathy. Are you looking forward to the hen party, Betty?

Aye, it should be great craic. It should be great craic!

I haven't been to that place in years. What do you call it?

The hairdresser's?

Very funny! Cathy says you're barred from the hen party, so you may give up.

Nobody's going to tell you where it is.

Fine, but if you're really her friend, you won't let her

go to the wedding in that feckin' dress! Why not? It's lovely.

Lovely? She puts that on, you're only waiting for her to go "ten dollar, me love you long time!"

No, she won't. You're just out of touch with fashion. I know fashion, love.

I love that coat on you, and I have done for the last five years.

Every time I see it, I think "I must put the black bags out tonight".

Good luck! Hiya, boys.

Hiya, Betty. Here's the groom!

Hello, son.

Don't even feckin' think about it.

Cathy and Betty were just down in Maria's house.

Tea on the patio.

They said it's a nice house.

When you walk into the hall,

on the ceiling there's a big... what do ya call it?

A night vision camera?

Crystal chandelier!

And to get to the patio, you go through the dining room.

Past the motion sensors. Exactly! How do you know?

It must be a big house. Big enough.

And they have two toilets. One upstairs and one downstairs.

Two toilets? For what?

What do they do, get up in the morning and go

"Oh, where will I shit today?"

They only have the one arse.

Mind you, a toilet downstairs, eh?

I'd say it'd be feckin' handy.

Here you go, love. Thanks, Ma.

What's this? A wedding present from Buster.

Oh, nice.

A VDV player? How can you afford things like that, Buster?

I know a fella who does them cheap. Why does he cut the plug off?

Right, well, I'm off.

I'll see you tomorrow for the stag party. See you, Buster.

Oh!

The cheek of him!

Dermot, just cos she has a big house, doesn't make it a home. True.

And I'd say that's her, you know.

Big house, no home.

Yeah, fur coat, no knickers!

She's like a prostitute on her night off. What?

All dressed up and no-one to blow!

Is that funny, Dermot?

Yeah, Ma. I don't feckin' get it.

I read that in one of your magazines.

Dermot, what's a blow job?

20 quid, Ma.

I thought 20 quid was a score?

They change the feckin' language every day now.

Dermot, where are yous having the stag party? In Foley's, I suppose?

No. We're not going near Foley's.

Mark said Betty is meeting Cathy and Barbara there for the hen party,

and we don't want to bump into them.

The hen party is in Foley's!

That's perfect! Perfect!

How long does it take you to fit it, Mr O'Connor? Usually, we're in and out in a day. A day?

Could you do it tomorrow? Oh, no. I'm far too busy.

I'll make it worth your while. I'll give you an extra blow job.

Where do you want it fitted?

Here! Here!

Oh, wait, there's a chip gone out of this.

Somebody must have shit a brick. Are you sure?

I'm positive! But look, you won't be able to, like...

You worry about the fittin'. I'll worry about the shittin'!

I'll see you tomorrrow, Mr O'Connell. And if there's anybody that'll

help you fit it, bring them along.

There's a blow job in it for them as well.

Thanks, Barbara! Aye, cheers, Barbara!

Ah, for Christ's sake!

You all set for the party, girls?

For God's sake, Mrs McGoogan, you were told that yous weren't invited!

Well, we're here now, so live with it.

Jesus, I don't know half the people here. Where's Maria?

Winnie, this is not the hen party.

The hen party is in a nightclub.

So what's all this, then?

It's the funeral party for Mr Murphy.

Oh, good God, no!

Agnes, this is Paddy Murphy's funeral!

Lovely man. I always liked him.

Winnie, come on!

No, no. No, that's an awful feckin' smell. Smell, smell!

It's gas, missus! You have a leak.