Father Brown

CHURCH BELLS RING

If anyone thinks bell ringing is easy

they should come over here and sniff my armpits.

Thank you for that, Miss Thundersby.

Are you alright, my dear?

Yeah. Just a little achy in the upper arm.

Well, allow me to escort you ladies to the Red Lion.

I don't think so. - I'm sorry?

I have a number of notes on this evening's performance.

Oh piggy, Mervyn!

We've been ringing for three and a half hours.

Indeed. And it was three and a half hours of schoolboy errors.

Hello? Am I interrupting anything?

No!

May I introduce Mr Jamie Cheeseman.

Mr Cheeseman has been appointed by Canon Fox

to be Director of Music for the diocese

and he's very keen to work with you.

That's right.

I've always been fascinated by campanology.

We do not approve of the word "campanology".

A mongrel word

combining, as it does, the Latin for bell, "campana"

with the Greek for study "-ology”.

We are change ringers and proud of it.

Mr Glossop is tower captain.

And as there can only be one captain of the ship

I respectfully ask you to leave.

Actually, I think that's somewhat disrespectful.

Do you indeed?

I really do admire what you're doing here.

Your admiration is not reciprocated.

Please, I've got some hand bells.

BELL CHIMES

I do hope you will be very happy with your little bells

but our bells have hung for over 500 years.

They announce historic occasions: the outbreak of war

and sometimes, even funerals.

Sorry, was that a threat?

Not a threat, Mr Cheeseman, a prophecy.

Is he always like that?

Mr Glossop can be somewhat temperamental.

50% temper and 50% mental.

Of course, as well as restoring the bells

it's important to restore harmony to the ringing chamber.

And that would be best achieved by judicious use of flattery.

Two halves, please, Raymond.

So, once again, a musical director has been foisted on us.

They soon find they know considerably less than I do.

The previous one lasted three weeks.

Let's hope Mr Cheeseman will depart somewhat sooner.

Well, I... I don't, urn...

Spit it out, Phoebe.

Would it be so bad to give him a go?

I mean, he might be rather good.

Yes, you know, young blood and all that.

We do not need youth to instruct us in an ancient and unchanging art form.

I have been ringing these bells for 42 years.

Do you mind if we join you?

Oh, please do.

I know that we didn't get off to the best of starts.

It's always awkward when a new boy comes along

but I'd love to work with you

and bring St Marys' ringers to new and dizzying heights.

Mr Cheeseman

we already have a working method, honed and refined over several decades.

If you like, I will write to Canon Fox

and explain that your services are not required.

Well, I could actually save you the stamp.

Canon Fox is my uncle.

But really, I don't want to do anything drastic.

You're already an extremely accomplished group.

But it struck me the bells themselves are less than perfect.

They're just a bit rusty.

So I thought, why not have a fundraiser?

So that we could take them to the foundry

have them re-tuned and re-hanged

and then they will make a sound

that's worthy of such a magnificent band of ringers.

Canon Fox's nephew?

Indeed.

No mystery then to how he got such a prestigious position.

He is, apparently, a very talented composer

who has worked with the London Opera Company.

But if he's Canon Fox's nephew, he's bound to be a bit of a drip.

On the contrary, he seems very lively and full of ideas.

Full of ideas?

And who has to do the donkey work? Me.

Enoch! Hello!

Good morning. Nice to see you. How may I be of assistance?

Well, we have to...

I have to do some baking for this fundraiser

and I'm in need of two dozen eggs.

Ah, well, you are in luck, as all of our ladies have been laying.

Oh, well isn't that marvellous. Hello!

Hello!

Gosh, it's a small world.

Mr Jamie Cheeseman

Mrs McCarthy, our parish secretary.

How do you do? - And Bunty Windemere.

Hello. Welcome to our village.

Thank you. Though I actually came to see Enoch.

Oh.

Oh yes? Yes.

A trunk load of my possessions has just arrived from London

and I find I have a rather large collection of gospel records.

Now, I don't know if that's your sort of music

but you're more than welcome to borrow them.

I love gospel

I used to be in a choir in Trinidad.

Yes. Phoebe said you enjoyed the singing

and I wondered if we could use you at the fete?

In what way?

Well, I also write songs

and I was thinking, as well as a bell ringing performance

we could perhaps hear you sing one of my compositions.

Well, that would be an honour! Let me have a look at your collection.

Well, I take back what I said.

He does have a certain je ne sais quoi.

I haven't seen this in many a year!

Well, I don't know about your je ne sais quoi

but I suppose the bell ringers could do with someone with a bit of...

enthusiasm.

One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four

BELLS PLAY MELODY

# (Ring that bell)

# From the top of the tower - # (Ring that bell)

# In your desperate hour - # (Ring that bell)

# To appeal to his power - # (Ring that bell...) #

It's a bit like having Paul Robeson in your own living room.

# (Ring that bell)

# When the darkness is near - # (Ring that bell)

# And you're drowning in fear - # (Ring that bell)

# So the saviour will hear - # (Fling that bell)

# Ring that bell! #

Mr Cheeseman.

Hello.

I have been perusing this so-called composition

you wish us to perform at the fete.

Oh yes? It appears to be false.

In course one, the treble changes place with bell two.

And in the third course, you make the same change again.

Can someone translate that into English?

Under the rules of change ringing, you must never repeat a change.

Rules are there for a reason.

But since you seem incapable of obeying them

I suggest you take your technically-deficient composition

back to London.

Mr Glossop

although we are thankful for the work you have done in the past

if you find it so difficult to accept new members

perhaps it is you who should be leaving.

This man is the viper in the nest.

He is destroying our group.

And unless we stand up to him, he will destroy us all.

Please Mervyn.

He's not trying to destroy us.

We rather like him. Do you indeed?

Well, I wonder, would he feel the same if he knew what I knew, Phoebe?

Or should that be Fibby?

Because who could believe a word that comes from your angelic lips?

And Enoch

so kind, so caring...

so lucky they never sent you to prison.

And Ruth...

you sing from the heart...

but what a sordid, squalid cesspit of a heart.

I'm so looking forward to your fete.

ENOCH". Testing, testing.

Ruthy? What?

When we do our song

shall we stand together, cheek to cheek, like this?

Oh, I don't think so. What?

Well, not so close that we're sharing mascara.

Cream horn, anyone?

Ooh, thank you kindly!

It's hungry work doing backing vocals.

Has anyone seen Jamie?

He wandered off a few minutes ago just to see some stalls.

Well, if anyone sees him, tell him I've got something sweet for him.

We will!

You have no idea what a joy he's been to work with

after all those years with Mervyn...

Who was always a bit of a wet blanket.

Oh, Enoch, that is so unfair...

to wet blankets.

Wet blanket?

I gave you years.

Oh, Mervyn, we didn't... - Years!

We're just a bit nervous.

Oh, look, a microphone.

Hopefully there'll be quite a crowd here at one o'clock.

FATHER BROWN GROANS

I will get it next time.

You've been saying that these past six goes.

Still, all the more money for the bells.

Ding dong!

Are you busy?

Mervyn Glossop's about, and I think he's planning to make a scene.