Seeing Heaven

Seeing Heaven

Harder. Fuck me. Harder. I need to see. . .

Harder.

Sometimes when we're having sex, I see things.

And sometimes, they see things, too.

It's like a different world. A beautiful world.

It's like a drug, but not a drug.

Even when I see bad things, it's still there on the edge, bleeding in.

Fuck me.

Come on.

Fuck me harder.

I need to see.

You OK?

Yeah. Just looking for something.

Something I can't find.

What was that?

Fuck me harder. I need to see.

Good luck.

Fuck me harder.

I can't. The condom'll break.

Come on. Fill me.

I need to see.

Come on.

What the fuck?

You're hurting me, man.

Fuck me.

I need to see.

Something's wrong.

What?

I fucking told you.

Fill me.

Fuck me harder.

What the fuck?

What was that?

What's wrong?

What drugs are you on, man?

What's the matter?

It's you, man.

Messing with my head.

Maybe you had too many poppers.

You OK?

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

You're my producer. You've always been there for me, but I don't think I can do this anymore.

The other stuff didn't matter. It was sex. Sex with a beautiful guy at night. Just what? Just sadly meaningless.

You're just porned out.

They're so beautiful, and it's funny. I know them so well, but somehow it was never real.

I need to do this crossover thing. I need it like I've never needed anything.

Yeah, and I said I'd get you the funding. But you've got to do a couple more pornos for the studio.

It's in your contract.

They just want bareback, Simon. And I won't do that.

I want to do something real. Something that gets under their skin.

And I'm behind you. You've got to give me more time.

Look. Outside of hardcore erotica, you're an unknown.

This is the credit crunch.

Funding's difficult.

Why do I feel like I've sold my soul? I want to do something about . . .

. . . what attracts us to them. About real beauty. You know? Serious themes.

OK.

So find me someone.

Find me a star.

Someone we can really use to sell this.

All the public wants is pretty flesh, John. That's what sells. Even the arthouse movies.

Find me a face.

Leave the rest to me.

This is twenty short.

You can forget about the taxi fare.

I'm out of here.

What was that about, man?

Nothing. I thought you wanted something special.

I told you I just wanted straight sex.

It's OK. I'm out of here.

Not until you've answered my question. There's something weird about you, man.

Hey, break it up.

What are you? Some sort of freak?

--Give me my money back. --Fuck off.

Hey, give me my fucking money.

Hey. Hey. Hey.

--Are you OK? --Fucking freak.

Are you OK? You want to call the police?

No. No police.

--Well, come on. I was just closing up. --I need to get a drink.

Let's go.

Have a seat.

Your lip started bleeding.

OK. Yeah, it's gonna hurt.

It's OK. Here you go.

So. What was all that about?

Just a client.

I might have guessed. So do these clients of yours usually beat you up?

I offer a very special service. Sometimes they get more than they bargained for.

That was pretty intense.

It goes with the job.

When you're beautiful someone is always trying to use you.

What do you want?

Isn't that the fucking truth?

You're new in town, then?

I'm looking for someone.

Someone special?

You could say that.

Everyone's always looking for "the one."

And you?

I'm OK . . . except no boyfriend.

All alone in this world.

Another one?

Thanks.

Neat guy. He comes in here all the time. You should get in touch.

He's very beautiful.

No, I mean the director. He's a cool guy. Every month he has some crazy party at his place.

There's always these hot porno guys there.

Uh-huh.

There's one on Saturday night actually. I'm going myself. You want to come?

Got his address?

I have his card. . . back at my place.

You've got to do a couple more pornos for the studio. It's in your contract.

Sex sells. And you . . . you shoot sex better than anybody.

They just want bareback, Simon. And I won't do that. I have to do something real. Something that gets under their skin.

Why do I feel like I've sold my soul?

Make yourself at home.

I thought you were single.

Well, just a regular fuck buddy.

A boyfriend?

I don't know if I believe in relationships. He's sometimes here, sometimes not.

We can do what we like. We have freedom from each other.

That's the way to a successful relationship.

--What the fuck? Look at that. Hey. --How did you know I was an escort?

Don't know. Something about you. You have something special.

A kind of twinkle.

Baxter's really going to like you.

Maybe it's better you don't get too close to me.

Why not? We could be good together.

It's dangerous. I mean for me to get too close to anyone right now.

Shhh. Come here.

We're gay men. This is how we get to know each other, isn't it?

Flesh . . .

. . . against flesh.

Saul?

Paul?

You help me.

Saul?

He's a cool guy. Every month he has some crazy party at his place.

I have his card. . . back at my place.

--John Baxter? --Who are you?

I ran into Zhivago.

He suggested I should come over.

It's not exactly a good time.

Please.

OK. You better come in then.

John Baxter?

It's a little early, don't you think?

Wow.

I like it when I'm able to see the city wake up. I can watch it sleep, and I can watch it when it's getting into mischief.

So what happened to you?

I spooked a client. Showed him a little too much of my soul.

It's going to keep you off work for a while. Are you interested in modeling?

I don't think so.

Not into porn then.

I don't know. It sticks around. When you're beautiful, people just want to use you--and then throw you away.

Not me. Not in my films.

Anyway. I don't think you came here just to discuss the view.

I'm looking for my brother. My twin, Saul.

I haven't seen him for a long time. Since we were kids.

But I've been dreaming about him.

I think he may have been escorting . . . or doing porn.

And how do you think I can help?

Zhivago says you've been in the business a long time. Any new guys turn up, and they're likely to come to you.

OK. If I help you, will you help me?

What do you mean?

The studios just want me to churn out bareback porn . . . I won't do that.

I want to do this. I want to do something artistic. An experiment.

Seeking after the truth.

I think Saul is in trouble. There's a crime going to occur.

Once they've experienced his beauty, they want it again. And again.

Just like with you.

What do you see when you look in the mirror, Paul?

I don't know. Something other people want to buy.

--Does he look like you? --Absolutely. Mirror image.

So. Have you seen him?

Do you really think if I saw someone as beautiful as you that I would have forgotten?

So you can't help me?

I can ask around. I can put out feelers.

I would like to show you my work. This will be a real meeting. And I need someone very special to play the lead.

They need to be natural--not an actor. I'm exploring gay sexuality.

. . . and this has to be the real thing.

Why don't you take off your shirt?

They say porn just takes what's beautiful . . . and makes it dirty.

Hey. Not in my films.

Don't you want to know yourself?

Don't you want to live forever, like Dorian Gray? On video at least.

What is it about you that scares them so much?

Sometimes. . . when I'm having sex . . . I see things.

Like dreaming.

And sometimes I think they see them, too.

--And it scares them? --Maybe.

So why do you do it?

Sometimes . . . it's like I need to be fucked . . . I need to be filled.

Like a drug, blotting things out.

So?

It's what all gay guys want, isn't it?

It's just that . . . when they see it . . .