Bob Hearts Abishola

Happy Valentine's Day.

Happy Valentine's Day, Bob.

It was so nice of them to give us free champagne.

Oh, there's nothing free about it.

It's part of the package.

- What do you mean? - Well, it's all included:

champagne, dinner, and you're out the door

for only three times what it should be.

Isn't this restaurant already very expensive?

Yeah.

But it's worth it to spend this special day with my special gal.

That's lovely. Let's eat.

Where are the menus?

Ah, it's right there. It's a prix fixe menu,

which is French for "you'll eat what we give you."

So you pay three times the price

and you cannot choose what you eat?

Happy Valentine's Day.

Maybe we should leave and come back tomorrow.

Why?

It will be cheaper then, and we can choose what we eat.

But it's not Valentine's Day tomorrow.

Who cares?

Me and all these other idiots.

This is a stupid and wasteful holiday.

Let's never do this again.

We will not.

- Rose for the lady? - Don't be ridiculous.

No, thank you.

So, I guess you probably don't want

this overpriced piece of jewelry I got you.

Ah. Well, jewelry is different.

- Is it, now? - Yes.

It's very practical.

It's something that can be passed down through generations.

Yeah, like silverware or a genetic disease.

Bob, it's beautiful.

Hey, look, I did something right.

You can never go wrong with jewelry.

Well, I hope you understand

that this bracelet

is an expression...

of my love.

Thank you.

My love for you.

Abishola,

I love you.

Yes, I understand.

And that's all you're gonna say on the subject?

Bob.

Thank you for the bracelet.

Thank you again for dinner.

Yep.

And this bracelet is very special.

Do you love it?

Oh, I like it very much.

Oh, good, so it's not just me.

Well, good night.

Good night!

_

The inclusions are very minimal.

At least four karats.

He did very well.

I thought so.

I wish he had spoken to me first.

I could have got it for him cheaper.

He does not care about the price.

Americans.

They believe the more you pay for something,

- the better it is. - And we know

the cheaper you get it,

the better you feel.

Tunde is a wonderful negotiator.

He has left many jewelers in tears.

They are not real tears.

It's like a little show.

Even if Bob was cheated,

this a lovely gift.

I hope you thanked him.

- Of course I did. - Mm.

No, that is not enough.

You have to jump up and down.

That's what Americans do

when they win the his and her Jet Skis on The Price Is Right.

It is also why you never see Nigerians on that show.

We know all the prices,

but we are not big jumpers.

He told me he loved me.

Well, that's nice.

That is what I said,

but he seemed unsatisfied.

I think he wanted you to say it back to him.

People here are always throwing that word around.

They love rock and roll,

they love New York,

they love Lucy.

- It is because they are too free with their feelings. - Mm.

They are like puppies.

Racist, gun-loving puppies.

I told Tunde I loved him once.

- Really? - Yes.

When we first moved here.

I was trying to be more American.

It was very unpleasant.

I asked her to never do it again.

And I have kept that promise.

Hey.

Oh. Hello, brother.

You realize it's Valentine's, right?

Shouldn't you be drunk, crying and screaming

outside your ex-husband's camper van?

I'm changing it up this year.

I don't need a man to have a romantic evening.

I can have one with myself.

Yikes.

I just had a nice dinner,

got some champagne, chocolates.

Tonight,

I'm falling in love with a girl named Me.

That's one of the creepiest things I've ever heard.

It's called self-partnering.

Call it what you want.

Just lock the door when you're doing it.

I don't see you out on a date.

That's because I refuse to be manipulated by social pressure

and cynical marketing campaigns.

You still banned from Tinder?

Six more weeks.

Hey.

Hey.

At least one of us got shot by Cupid's arrow.

Yeah.

Hit me right in the ass.

What happened?

Didn't Abishola love the bracelet?

She doesn't love anything.

Might as well be dating a robot.

Oh, it's not Abishola's fault.

It's her culture.

- They're just not effusive people. - If you want,

Christina can teach you how to self-partner.

Here, come sit down.

You've got all the love you need right here

with your brother and sister.

- Call me crazy, but I think I deserve more than that. - Mm.

You're not crazy.

You're just wrong.

Can the three of us be any more pathetic?

We could wheel Mom in here.

I asked.

She doesn't want to hang out.

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Hey. Hey. What's going on?

I am sorry, Mr. Wheeler.

I am trying to save his life.

No. He's messing with my mojo.

He went out and bought a dangerous motorcycle

even after I forbade it.

It's not a motorcycle.

It's a scooter.

150cc.

Very zippy.

You talking about that little red thing in the parking lot?

Not red. Rosso Passione.

Big difference.

Kofo, you are my cousin.

I promised your parents I'd look out for you.

I even made space for you in my home.

Above the garage.

If I have to live like Fonzie,

I will drive like him.

You guys know Fonzie?

- Aaayyh. - Aaayyh.

He says he looks after me,

but I sleep on a futon

next to all his stored cans of house paint.

I can't throw them away.

They are for touch-ups.

Try telling that to a girl

you are attempting to have intercourse with.

Hey, did you guys get Laverne & Shirley, too?

You know...

We should get back to work.

Yes.

_

Look at this.

The day after Valentine's Day,

and Chukwuemeka is still sending me gifts at work.

It's so embarrassing.

You could have left it in the locker room.

I could have.

But I didn't.

Here,

read the note he wrote me.

"Kemi, my love..."