Harley Quinn

Dasvidaniya suka!

You speak Russian?

I can only say two things.

And the other one.

Yes!

Oh, God! Are you shittin' me?

Joker!

This is my score. Well, it was.

But it's mine now.

The only reason you're getting this and I'm not,

is you got a bunch of goons that do whatever you say.

That's not true!

Goons, throw Harley out.

Whatever you say, boss.

Whoa!

I need a fucking crew.

No, you need a shower.

So, you didn't get the warhead?

No. Joker stole it 'cause he had a crew.

Like all real supervillains.

I mean, I get by just fine on my own. So...

Your independence is quite inspiring.

Oh, can it, Frank. I love you, Ivy.

You know, Ive, I could have really used your help out there.

Honestly, I really think that crews are over-rated.

You know, it's like, some very successful supervillains work alone.

Like look at this guy. Look at Dr. Psycho.

Perfect example.

Doesn't have a crew, yet still taking on Wonder Woman.

Like a champ.

Still too scared to fight me with your own hands, Psycho?

What a grand idea!

I'm sorry. What's that?

You really want your last words to be...

That really hurt, you !

Holy shit!

Well, see! If he had a crew, that would have told him to use the B word instead.

And if I had one, I'd use that warhead to blackmail Gotham

into naming a highway after me.

Huh? A highway. All right.

Well, you know, that took a weird turn.

Mmm.

So you're certain this whole thing is gonna blow over, right?

Oh, yeah. Sure, yeah. A few talk show appearances...

Cry about how you love your wife.

It's exactly what we had Mr. Freeze do

when he exposed himself at the Gotham water park.

You guys fixed that? Wow, you're good.

And by good, I mean bad!

Come on!

Ms. Quinn, we've been expecting you.

Thank you. Let's get you henched up.

That's Cronk. He's muscle.

If you don't mind crazy roid rage, he's your man.

The Professor, he's brainy. So smart.

He's not brainy with names though, huh?

Oh, my God, so right. both laughing

Beautiful.

Meet Blaze!

Explosive. Lotta buzz on him. Boom.

Lotta chatter.

Lotta heat.

Yes, and if you don't take him today, he'll have seven offers tomorrow.

Goodbye. Hell, I'll take 'em all.

I'll crush Joker with this team behind me.

I thought you were his girlfriend. No.

I dumped that bum weeks ago. You didn't go back to him?

Yeah, like you always do. No. I'm on my own now.

So, when can these guys start?

I'm sorry. These men are unavailable. For how long?

For... Ever?

Yeah. Yeah, forever.

Well, I don't need ya. I don't need any of ya!

I'll put together my own crew who's excited to work with a real up-and-comer.

If you get back together with Joker, our doors are always

Hey! Hey! Hey, you!

Are you tired of being a lousy sidekick?

Abused, shit on, used as a human shield?

Then come work for me.

You'll get top dollar, great benefits,

and I won't ever, knowingly, send you to your deaths.

Wait, was she talking about a job

where we don't have to jump into hell portals and definitely die?

Oh, just shut up and jump.

I'm definitely dying!

I promise you it'll be better than that.

Join me, and we'll be doing million dollar heists in no time.

Who's with me? Can't.

Busy. I got a family emergency.

I have a thing.

Assholes. No. No. No. No.

Before you open your female trap,

no way in hell I'm working for you.

Who asked ya?

Can you believe guy's rejecting me?

Well, ma'am, I don't know nothing about that.

I'm just a simply farm boy from Oklahoma.

I got two parents, three girls, four boys, two lab mixes,

both uncut on a small ranch just outside of Muskogee.

What's your problem, weirdo? Why, Ms...

I don't have no problem, because I am actually...

Jeez. Good, fuckin' God.

The name is Clayface.

Thespian extraordinaire recently portraying the juicy role

of country boy bartending in the big city.

I thought you were playing the role of "literal piece of shit."

Not yet.

Ugh. It's in my hair. Now I'm a literal piece of shit.

Okay.

Is it Clayface or Fuckface?

Hey! Kite Man here. Thinking about doing a caper, gang.

Not sure what, might steal something, might kidnap somebody.

I don't know, uh, depending on the weather. But Kite will be involved.

Who's in? I am! Let's do this!

I do not fucking believe this.

And then, they all ran off with that loser Kite Man.

Yeah.

What a loser that guy is. Did he mention my name?

You know what, nevermind.

But did he? There must be something I'm missing.

How do I get people to work for me? She has no fuckin' idea.

Because plants do all this shit for her lazy ass.

There must be someone who can gimme the inside scoop.

Babe, what real supervillain is gonna give away their trade secrets?

Well, maybe not "give away."

I am Maxie Zeus!

And tonight, I "max"

all your dreams come true!

This guy's such a douche.

I'm sorry, but none of the charming villains with great personalities

were holding seminars today.

Joker. Riddler. Two-Face.

What do they have that you don't?

A penis? A crew!

A villain goes in alone,

but a supervillain needs henchmen.

When I robbed the 1996 Olympics

Oh, thank you very much, just lovely. Fun times.

My crew helped me steal those medals.

And now I literally sleep on a pile of gold.

Ivy, you hear that? Sleeps on gold!

Honestly, with the amount of coke this guy does,

I doubt he's sleeping on anything.

So, how does one recruit goons?

Through a henchmen agency,

or from popular villain Oh, oh, oh, oh...

Yes. The juggler in the third row.

Mr. Zeus, I tried those things and they didn't work.

You can't let rejection stop you. Think about the big boys.

Darkseid. Luthor. Maxie.

Are we quitters? No!

Neither are you!

Okay, I'm out.

Oh, sorry, sorry. Didn't know you were busy.

No, no. Come in.

Just letting my legs breathe.

You were so inspiring.

If you don't mind, I got a couple questions. And I've got one big answer.

Wow. That's just like one of those paintings, you know, where the eyes follow you,

except, nope, it's just your greased-up nipples. Just between us,

I painted it. Shh.

Weird. So, hey, I was wondering if you'd just gimme some pointers.

Well, I can certainly give you one.

Ah, got it! So you're just a creepy dick.

I'm not fucking you. Oh, really?

You were laughed out of UTI.

Yeah! Word gets around.

You'll never get a crew!

Because no bad guy will ever work for a woman.

My two cents. Then here's mine.

See a urologist, 'cause creepy dick wasn't just an insult,

it was a concern.

And if no bad guy will work with me,

then maybe I don't need a "bad guy."

Harley, I told you this, I work alone.

Alone-ish.

Don't even get me started right now. Come on, Ive.

With your ability to control all plant life on Earth,

and my gymnastics, I mean, there's nothing we can't do if we team up.

I said no. I mean, I got a brand. You know?

It's like, adding gymnastics to it, it's a very muddled message.

Tell her the real reason, you lying motherfucker.

Oh, God, here we go.

All right, so look, there's a glass ceiling for female supervillains, okay?

Like, sure, we're tolerated, but as long as we don't get too powerful.

Aren't you being a little dramatic? Guess whose naive ass

who hasn't heard of the Queen of Fables.

Go on, Ivy, tell your story. I'll set the mood.

All right, all right. Thanks, Frank.

So, a long time ago, way back in the '80s. There was this

powerful sorceress, right? She's known as the Queen of Fables.

Fed up of being a footnote to the male supervillains,

she decided to turn Gotham into an evil force by using sorcery

to pull characters from the pages of storybooks.

Until she had a whole army at her command.

Well, what happened to her? Ask her yourself.

FYI, bailin' out your klepto aunt with the snow globe fetish

does not count. Next.

Uh, hey, I'm looking for the Queen of Fables? Just found her, sweetie.

No. Why you lookin' up there for? Here.