High Maintenance

_

Hi. You've reached Anja,

and you're probably my mom, dad or grandma,

so just feel free to leave a message and I'll get back to you when I can.

Thanks.

Anja, I wish you'd change your outgoing message.

It's not very professional.

How do you know it's me, Dad, or Noni calling?

Anyway, I sent this in an e-mail,

that the woman you should call is Barbara Horne.

- H-O-R-N-E. - _

She's been at the top of God knows how many publications

and she's the real deal, honey. All right?

I told her about your NYU column.

She's expecting your call, so call her please.

Do not e-mail. But like I said,

just see if you can take her to lunch, pick her brain, whatever.

She's kind of a pain in the ass, but, you know, she's very major.

Uh, anyway, there you go. You're welcome. Um, what else?

Uh, not much happening over here.

Dad and I walked down to the lake with Rosie this morning.

- She had a tough time. - _

I think we're gonna have to put her down soon so of course, Daddy's a wreck.

But if you want to see her,

- you should come visit. - Ow, ow, ow,

Anyway, call us and call Barbara!

_

Hello, this is Barbara Horne.

I'm not available to take your call, but if you leave a detailed message,

I'll be sure to get back to you at my earliest convenience.

Have a great day.

Hi, Barbara, This is Anja Jacobs, Judy and Ron's daughter.

I'd love to, uh, set something...

Fuck!

To save your message, press the pound key.

To listen to your message, press one.

- To rerecord your message, press three. - _

Please record your message after the tone.

Weird time in the season to shop.

Hi there. Uh, this is Anja Jacobs,

- Ron and Judy's daughter. - Thank you!

I think you're expecting my call. Uh... hi.

Uh, I'd love to set up a time to take you out to lunch

and, like, pick your brain about the business and all of that.

Oh, my mom also gave me your e-mail,

so I can send you my contact info there as well.

Uh... oh, as well as, uh, relevant links to me and my work.

- Sorry. - I have these like, Kardashian recaps

I've been doing sort of just like, for fun. Um...

All right, so thank you and I hope to meet you soon. Peace!

Psst.

_

_

As I contemplated the fact

that my relationship had gone to pot, literally,

I realized no high or low

would make this day any day other

than the day I got broken up with by a post-it.

Now let's keep the sidewalk clear. Come on.

Ma'am, I need you to step back.

Hey, what's up?

Thanks for agreeing to do this.

Yeah, it's not a big deal.

I mean, as long as I'm anonymous, I don't really care.

Yeah, no, of course.

Of course. You will be completely anonymous.

Um... uh...

do you mind if I take a picture of your weed though?

I guess I'd rather you didn't.

It's just I have all these, you know, labels

and I don't want any identifying things on the Internet, you know what I mean?

- Uh, yeah. Okay, that's... - Sorry.

That's fine. Do you want some cold brew?

Uh, no. I actually had two today,

- so I'm good. - Oh, wow.

This is, like, my sixth cup today.

Um, okay. Ready?

Okay, yeah.

- Okay. - Cool.

- That's a lot of coffee. - Gotta find the pages.

One second.

- Shit. - Yeah.

- There we go. - There you go.

- Um, all right. Ready? - Yeah.

This is a safe space.

So... you're a pot dealer.

What's that like?

Uh, I just kind of bike around and, uh, people call me

and... and then I bring them weed pretty much.

It's kind of all there is to it.

And, uh, where do you get your weed?

Uh... I'm not gonna answer that one. Sorry.

- Pass. - Okay.

- Cool. - Mm-hmm.

It's totally cool. Um...

Have you ever been arrested?

No, luckily not. Knock on wood.

- Yeah. - Right?

Yeah. Um...

Do you feel like maybe that's because you're white?

Uh, maybe.

- Oh, shit. - Um... I... I mean, yeah, I guess

- it has something to do with it. - Yeah, maybe.

But, you know, it's also maybe 'cause I'm small potatoes

- and, uh... - Yeah.

I just deal a little weed and sometimes mushrooms,

- so I'm not really... - Oh. Okay.

So mushrooms as well?

Yeah, I'm not really on their radar.

Okay. Yeah.

What about your, um, client list?

Are they mostly white as well, like you?

Well, uh, yeah, most of them are white actually.

Now that I think about it. I haven't really thought about it before.

There's... There's some...

No, there's more than a few non-white customers.

Why do you think that most of your clients are white?

Hey, so what's with all the racial questions?

Well, it's just that a...

a disproportionate amount of people in prison for marijuana offenses are...

are non-white, and I thought you might have something to say about that.

I mean, that's cool. I understand. It's important, but, uh...

just, uh, off the record,

when I sat down to do this,

you said you wanted me to tell you some fun stories

- about dealing weed, and not, uh... - Mm-hmm.

race politics.

- Yeah, I know, I know. - So like, just a heads up, you know?

I'm sor... It's just that, um...

I feel like there's a bigger point that we... you know, like, it's just...

I'm trying to focus on, like, the, um, intersectionality

of, like, race and pot in a post-prohibition era.

And we will get to the anecdotes. Um...

I just felt like I would be remiss as an interviewer

if I didn't cover this very important part of the subject.

Like blacks in Iowa are 8.3% more likely to get arrested

for... for possession and dealing than... than bla... than whites.

And, and I just... I felt like it was important to highlight

how race might affect your experience of your job.

- It is important. - Yeah.

I'm sorry. Um, uh...

Do you... Would you actually just...

uh, excuse me for a second?

- Okay. - Sorry, I just...

I gotta, uh, take this. It's for work Um, it's just gonna be one second.

I'll be right back.

Hello?

- Whoa, dude. - Hi, Barbara!

Thanks for calling me back!

Oh, my gosh,

it's like, so nice that you called back at all!

I mean, my mom's been talking about you for a while,

and, uh, to be honest, I didn't even really know who you were, who you are.

But then I Googled you and I was like,

- "Wow... - Okay, here we go.

"this woman is like fucking legit!"

Right. So I was hoping to find the time to like,

- buy you coffee and pick your brain. - Oh, fuck you.

- Oh, no. - Okay, um...

In that case, can I,

um, can I call you tomorrow again?

I'm actually in the middle of...

No, that's okay. Thank you.

Good night. Oh, and thanks again!

I'm sorry. Um, where... where were we?

Um, uh, is everything okay?

I'm gonna need you to erase that Instagram.

- Right. - Please.

Hungary and Croatia continue to turn away migrants.

Many are finding their way north through Europe's central eastern corridor,

while countries like Serbia and Bulgaria

are struggling to keep their borders sealed.

- The European Union continues... - Is it ready?

Thank you, Ida.

Good morning, babe.

- What time is it? - It's around 9:00.

Ida made you those breakfast perogies you love.

I love Ida.

Yeah. Ida loves you.

No, no, no. Ugh.

- My mouth tastes like a cat shit in it. - Oh, no, I love that. Come here.

Mm...

- Sick. - Mm.

Mm, it's so good, in fact.

- Mm. - Mm.

- Morning. - Good morning.

Mm.

- Don't go to work. - Oh, I know.

I don't want to, but I... want to marry you right now.

- No, not yet. - Wanna get married right now?

- Not yet. - I gotta wait? Okay, I'll wait.

I gotta go. Mm. Love you.

- Bye. - Bye.

Hey, Nihal, are we still going to Marta for the black truffle pizza?

Hell yeah! Brenda made us a rezzie for eight. Love ya!

Love you.

Now, using a dating app to find romance

may have become the norm for finding love in the modern age,

but this next fall comedy might have you think twice before swiping right.

It's called "Homeless Helga"