The Simpsons

D’oh!

("Pop! Goes the Weasel" playing)

(kids laughing and chattering)

Otto, Bart won’t give me a seat.

You know I can deal with your problem

or I can rock out.

But I cannot do both.

: Otto, help me.

Fu-u-u-u... nk.

What am I hearing now?

Nature?

The ultimate bring-down.

Why...

was I...

born?!

Don’t worry, dude.

We’ll hook you up with some tunes.

That’s not a song.

Real songs are about deals with the devil,

far-off lands,

and where you’d find smoke in relation to water.

Mister driver?

One of my bus mates has purloined my French horn.

Why can’t you talk like a dude?

Oh, knock it off, Kearney.

Why are you still in this school anyway?

We were in third grade together.

Stupid school doesn’t know how to teach me.

(making farting sounds to music)

Oh, wow, this is about 90% less funny

than you think it is.

-W-Wait... the radio. -(farting)

That’ll drown ’em out.

-(disco music playing) -(groans) Disco?

-(gentle music plays) -Easy listening.

-(country music plays) -Country Western?

-(slow music plays) -World music?

-(R & B music plays) -Urban smooth?

-(jazzy salsa music plays) -Salsa fusion?

-(radio shuts off) -(moans)

: Metallica?

Am I on drugs?

Yes, you are, but that really is Metallica.

Now if you’ll excuse me,

I’m late for a gumdrop parade on Foo-Foo Island.

What’s up, Metallica?

Need a lift?

We don’t take rides from strangers.

I’m no stranger. Remember this?

Metallica ru-u-u...les!

Oh, yeah, Springfield Arena, 1997,

Row XX, Seat 64.

I was about to quit the band when I saw your lighter.

You saved me that night.

So what are you waiting for? Hop in.

: Hop in what?

Look at me, I’m Otto.

I’m a hundred years old, and I drive a school bus.

(Bart laughing, tires squealing)

Oh, man.

Maybe me and Metallica can go splitsies on a cab.

Hey, loser, we got a ride from a real fan.

I used to sleep with Lars’s grandmother.

Never listen to our music again.

(playing "Master of Puppets")

Bye-bye, take care,

watch your step, eat my shorts,

have a good one.

She’s all yours, dude.

Oh, and I think I ran over a moose.

This is for every bus driver,

-lunch lady, -(Bart cries out)

gym coach, hall monitor...

Otto.

Are you meting out corporal punishment?

-Can’t... talk... now. -(Bart cries out)

I’m spanking a child.

You are temporarily suspended from bus driving, with pay.

No...!

Hand in your beaded seat-cover.

And your gun.

I hope you’re happy, Bart. Thanks to your hijinks,

I have to drive you and your friends to school.

Let me drive. I go through yellow lights.

One more crack out of you, young man,

and I’m showing everyone

your baby pictures.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Carpool!

I brought my own car seat.

Look.

Hey, Lisa, my safety bar matches your eyes.

Carpool, Nelson!

Just a sec, I’ve got to finish my science project.

Whoa.

"Squirrels don’t like rocks."

Okay, just one more kid to pick up.

Ew, it’s Michael.

That weird kid who never says anything.

He’s so gross and stupid.

Hi, Michael. Hi, Michael.

Hey, dork, you’re sittin’ on my shadow.

Sorry.

What, you’re too good to sit on my shadow?

Aw, I forgot my math book.

No problem, I’ll just drive up to your house and get it.

Whoa.

Your mother must dance at the nicest strip club in town.

Michael, my son.

Here is your book, and never forget:

the divisor goes into the dividend.

Yes, Papa.

That was Fat Tony.

Your dad’s a mob boss?

Please don’t have me whacked.

I was just kidding around.

We were all having fun.

Wasn’t it fun?

Oh, fun is so fun.

There is no Mafia.

Columbus Day is better than Christmas.

KIDS (whispering): He’s Fat Tony’s son!

His dad kills people!

His daddy putted bullets in my daddy.

My daddy had to potty in a bag.

Ah, look at all this puke!

Why did I come in on my day off?

Oh, Fat Tony’s lad!

God bless you.

(playing slowly and discordantly)

Oh, stop, stop!

Who’s the out-of-tune idiot on third clarinet?

That’s me.

I p--you didn’t let me finish!

I... from now on you’re not third clarinet,

you’re first everything!

Now if you excuse me, I’m brewing tea

and I have to go jiggle my bags!

You’re sitting with me?

I’m not afraid of you.

Well, you shouldn’t be.

I’m not like my dad.

I understand.

I’m not like my dad either.

Oh.

Ew! There’s a triple-A battery

in my macaroni and cheese!

It counts as a vegetable.

I can’t eat this.

You know, I cook a little.

Maybe I can make you something.

All we need is some fresh ingredients.

Well, you’re not going to find any here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,

get in the bowl.

Dandelion greens, a sprig of wild dill,

fresh blackberry juice for dressing.

It’s delicious!

Are you just saying that

’cause you’re afraid of my dad?

No, it’s great!

Ooh! Except for the bee!

It’s good to see you laughing!

You could make a great chef someday.

: My dad wants me to go into the family business.

Which is, uh...

"waste management."

: We are going for a ride.

By which I mean the carpool.

Perhaps we will get yogurt.

: Now who wants to sleep with the fishes?

Because I brought this Finding Nemo bedspread.