Paul Reiser: Life, Death & Rice Pudding

Ladies and gentlemen, Paul Reiser.

Well...

Thank you. And let me just say,

you're not wrong. It is great to see me.

It is.

So nice to be here in this beautiful theater in your beautiful city.

I am so glad... I have so many things to tell you.

None of which are important.

I just want to establish that up front.

Manage those expectations.

Nothing said tonight will have any political,

social or cultural relevance whatsoever.

Just so we're clear.

Nothing.

None of that.

In fact, I'd go so far as to say no redeeming value, frankly.

So, if you leave tonight going, "You know, he really got me thinking,"

that's on you, okay?

But I am very excited.

We we have cameras. We're taping a special.

How about that? Isn't that exciting?

Very exciting.

Yeah, I have not done one in a while.

It has been a while. You know, a lot of my friends...

You see comedians, and they have a new special

every 12 months, every 18 months.

Not me.

Last one I did, 1991, okay?

That's right.

Yeah, I like to space them out, you know?

Every 32 years, like clockwork,

I send another one down the chute

so as to not overstay my welcome.

Yeah, every 32 years.

So the next one after this,

if my math is correct,

I'm gonna be 97, so...

Yeah. I don't know how funny I'll be at 97.

So let's enjoy tonight, shall we?

See, a lot of people... A lot of people lie about their age,

and they like to pretend they're younger than they actually are.

Which I don't understand.

Maybe some of you are doing it right now.

I don't get it.

Because, first of all,

you're not fooling anybody, okay?

But even if you do, you're not really helping yourself

because people can see you.

So while you're lying, they're looking at you,

and very often, what you're saying

doesn't line up with what they're seeing. -

For example... Let's say... Let's say I was very convincing,

and I told you I was 35.

Okay. Your next thought would have to be,

"You don't look good."

"That's a tired-ass-looking 35-year-old. That's..."

Right. But if I told you I was 89, you'd go,

"God bless. He looks great for 89."

So if you're gonna lie, go that way. That's what I say.

But I've never understood. I have a friend who does this.

He lies about his age to me.

I grew up with the guy, okay?

So I know how old he is.

We were 10 together.

We were 20 together

and we were 30 together,

and that's the last time it lined up.

Right around there, he just got off the clock.

He likes to pretend the last three decades never happened.

He just lives in a fairy... And it's embarrassing.

We go out to dinner, and he's...

He's flirting with every cute waitress.

"How are you doing, darling?"

I go, "What are you doing? Jackass, what are you doing?"

He said, "No, I'm not gonna do anything.

"I just... I just want to see if I still got it."

And I tell him, "You don't.

"You don't."

"Just ask me. You don't have it. Don't put her through that.

"There's no call for that."

"You don't have it.

"1982 was the last time we had it. We don't have it."

"It is no longer had by us."

I said, "What do you think is gonna happen?

"Let's compare and contrast, shall we?"

I said, "She's a beautiful young woman.

"Has her whole life ahead of her.

"Whereas you

"are overweight, pasty and knocking on death's door.

"So what do you imagine she would find appealing about you?

"The fact that you smell vaguely like her grandfather?

"Is that what you want?"

He said, "No. I had to talk to her."

He said, "I had to talk to her because she's so cute."

"I had to talk to her." I said, "No, you don't have to."

I said, "You can appreciate something

"without getting personally involved.

"It's like a beautiful sunset.

"I see that it's beautiful, but I'm not trying to hump it.

"Do you see what I'm saying?"

You know, the crazy thing about the aging thing,

we all have older people in our lives.

All right, so we see what happens to them.

So we think we have a pretty good idea

of what to expect when we get older.

But no...

...there are surprises.

Things they don't tell you. Here's one I didn't see coming.

Sleep. When did that become a challenge?

Sleep?

Are you kidding? My whole life, I slept.

I didn't even think about it.

Put my head down, I'm sleeping, that's all.

Now I've lost the gift.

I don't know what's happening.

I just know, every morning, first words out of my mouth,

"Yeah, I didn't sleep so good last night."

I mean... Like, every day.

Here's another thing that I didn't see coming.

As you get older, do you find you get hurt

in ways you didn't used to get hurt.

I injured myself doing something stupid.

Which, by the way, that is the number one cause

of injury in this country, is doing something stupid.

You ask anybody how they got hurt,

I guarantee you the first thing they'll tell you,

"Yeah, it was so stupid." It's like, "Yeah, of course."

Right? Because nobody gets hurt doing anything smart.

You've never heard of that.

"I was working on algorithms for the space program,

"and my brain just caved in,

"and that's why I look like this. I was so smart."

No, it's always stupid.

It's always something stupid.

"Yeah, I was climbing a ladder in flip flops."

"Okay, well, that's not smart."

"Yeah, no, I was boiling pasta naked."

"Okay, why? Why would you do that?" -

That's the whole purpose behind pants.

There's no reason for that.

My injury was stupid,

but I learned something, and I'll share it with you.

Here's what I learned, folks.

At a certain age,

don't help anybody move a couch.

You just leave it or get a young person.

There's no reason for you to get involved.

I didn't even think about it. My friend said, "You wanna grab that?

"We want to scooch it back."

So I lift, and just as I lift it,

I heard a pop in my arm.

I said, "Whoa, that's not good."

There shouldn't be noise in my shirt.

Anybody hear that?

It really hurt.

But then 10 seconds later, it didn't hurt.

So I thought, "Well, maybe I just dodged a bullet."

You know, "Maybe I tweaked it."

No.

The next morning, I look down,

things have moved.

The whole... The muscle...

It's not like a big muscle. I'm not trying to show off.

I'm just saying, whatever sad,

pathetic muscle I had,

fell. It just fell.

So instead of being like a gradual little mound,

it was a puny hill gathered at the bottom.

It was just... It didn't hurt,

but it looked wrong.

So I said, "I've got to get this fixed."

So I had to find a surgeon. Orthopedic surgeon.

My friend says, "I got the guy for you.

"I got the guy. I got the guy. Don't even look around."

He said, "I got the guy, my guy, I got the best guy.

"My guy is the best."

Do you ever notice, all your friends always have the best guy.

Nobody has the seventh best dentist.

You've never heard that.

"I have the 35th best proctologist."

No, they're all the best.

They can't all be the best.

Like my regular doctor, my checkup guy,

he's not the best. I know that.

He's... And I'm fine with it.

He's okay. He's like...

He's in the top 20 in his building, I would imagine.

You know, he's fine. He's fine. -

He's is not a particularly great doctor,

but he's got terrific parking, and I love that.

The in and out of there.

But my friend said, "No, you got to go.

"He's great, he's great. You're gonna love him." And he kept selling.

I said, "I'm going." He said, "No, you'll love him."

"He's a great guy, great guy. He's very thorough. Great guy, great guy."

And then he says, "And he's really handsome."

I'm like, "Okay."

It's not something I generally look for

when choosing a medical practitioner, but whatever. Okay.

So I go. They put me in a little examination room,