My Name Is Earl

There's nothing more romantic than the morning after a honeymoon

with your new bride.

You change your own sheets today.

Wow! Last night...

I mean, that was... ooh!

I didn't get too rough with you, did I?

It's nothing a bucket of ice on my husband parts can't fix.

I have a little surprise for you.

I started up my own list.

Oh, my God!

This is fantastic!

You're actually...?

Give me a second.

Thank you, Karma!

You gave me the best woman in the world!

Screw you!

I came to this motel to die!

Yeah, stop showing off your happiness.

Somebody help!

My hooker stopped breathing!

Sorry, it's just that I finally found my soul mate...

My bad.

Sorry for the outburst.

The neighbors send their regards.

I knew marriage was about give and take.

I just didn't realize how much I'd have to give

and how much Billie would take.

What's, uh, going on with the chips, honey?

Sharing. It's what married people do.

Well, it's just that I have everything timed out perfectly for crunch,

sandwich, crunch.

Now that you took that chip,

I'm going to be left with one bite of sandwich and no crunch.

But that's crazy, baby.

that's not crazy.

Just what I like to do.

Yeah, but I'm a sharer.

I mean, that's just who I am.

When you marry a woman you hardly know,

you have to learn a lot about her quickly.

And that's what I was doing with Billie.

I learned she always kept track of my comings and goings.

Where are you going?

Soda machine.

What are you getting?

Soda.

When are you coming back?

When I get soda.

Love you!

I learned she had different ideas about clothes than I did.

Oh, my God!

What do you think?

I can't breathe.

And I learned a little bit about her boundaries.

She had none.

Whoa! Private time.

Shy pee-er in here.

Don't be ridiculous.

We're married now.

You don't have to be shy.

Is it always that color?

This song is lame.

Someone has to take control of this jukebox.

I'm going to go put on some Van Halen.

Sweet! J-19, "Running With the Devil."

Ew! No!

The Real Van Halen, with Sammy Hagar.

I don't get it, Randy.

Clearly Karma wants me and Billie to be together,

but there's 20 songs on that jukebox of David Lee Roth Van Halen.

And she spends good money on Hagar?

I know, Earl, but a lot of people like him.

That's why it's on the jukebox.

Maybe so, but what about that crap she pulled with the chips?

Some people don't mind sharing chips.

Please. It's no big deal.

I'll get a crunch next time.

Everybody's got some little annoying habits, Earl.

Even you.

Like when you're thinking, you always raise just one eyebrow.

I hate that.

Maybe Randy was right.

Maybe the problem wasn't my wife.

Maybe the problem was me.

Great jukebox.

They even have some Lynyrd Skynyrd from after the plane crash.

I decided to focus on the one thing

I knew we could agree on:

the list.

Let's see...

what should we do first on your list?

Hey, this guy's on my list, too.

In Camden County, if you were a champion bagger,

it usually meant that you bagged a lot of chicks.

But Joel was a different kind of bagger.

You're watching Camden's own Joel Maloney

demonstrating a skill that's earned him a place

on the National Bagging Competition

scheduled to kick off tomorrow in beautiful Youngstown, Ohio,

rivet capital of the world.

Joel, are you nervous?

Kind of, but... you know,

this is what everybody who's ever worked at a grocery store dreams of:

bringing home that golden sack!

That loser is going out of town.

While he's gone, we should clean him out.

I'm sick of all those grocery workers walking around

acting like they're better than us.

And once word spread, every criminal

in Camden decided to go shopping.

As a courtesy,

everyone who stole from Joel left the TV on

so the others could see when he was on his way back.

I'm here live at the National Bagging Competition with one of the hot,

young newcomers on the scene this year, Joel Maloney.

Joel, congratulations on your first round victory.

Most people don't realize how exhausting

competitive bagging is.

Actually, I had to run out and put some more quarters

in the parking meter, but... thanks.

The longer poor Joel competed, the emptier his house got.

And, Billie, just like everyone else, wanted a piece of the action.

You should've got here earlier.

Guess all you get's the broom.

You can have the broom.

I'll take the fan.

Whoa! Joel Maloney just put

an exclamation point on this one!

It's the third day of competion

and nobody's come within 12 nectarines

of the pride of Camden.

By the time we got there,

people had already stolen everything that wasn't nailed down.

So we took what was.

I know you're disappointed, Joel,

but second place is still something to be proud of.

What are you going to do with that $25 gift certificate to Applebee's?

I guess I'll go to Applebee's.

Joel thought he was disappointed then,

but it was about to get a lot worse.

Of course when Joel came home with his gift certificate,

he saw that his house was trashed.

The first stop in repaying Joel was to visit Joy's

tipped-over trailer to get back his carpet and his TV.

Excuse me.

Just curious, but how do you use the bathroom in here?

Joy put a seat on the exhaust fan.

Neighbors hate it, but it works like a dream.

Hey, Joy.

When we were first married, was there stuff about each other that we, uh...

had trouble getting used to?

Oh, God, yeah.

Your stupid chip crunch thing, that eyebrow, oh, and the foreplay.

Darnell, you wouldn't have believed this guy's foreplay.

It was just a wrestling match to see who got to be on the bottom.

I bet that was a hoot to watch.

You all red-faced, trying to get out of doing work.

It wasn't that.

I liked looking up at her.

Oh, you were just lazy.

But I accepted it.

That's all a marriage is..

accepting the annoying crap your partner makes you put up with.

That's even true in the animal kingdom.

You think the tomcat likes the way the lady cat screeches when he humps her?

He keeps coming back to hit that kitty.

This carpet's got a lot of memories, Earl.

Remember when I took it up on the roof and tried to fly on it?

Hard to forget.

You cracked your head open and for three weeks

you thought you were president of an insurance company.

You tried to fire me.

Nothing personal, Earl.

You just weren't making the sales.

Aunt Shirley from Accounting hated you.

Man, brains are funny.

You shake them around hard enough and it's like,

"Whoa, who's steering this ship?"

What do you want?

Um, hi. My name is Billie.

I once did a bad thing to you, but I have this list,

and you're on it and I want to make up for it.

Is this some kind of trick?

No really, we're sorry for stealing your stuff.

We brought it back.

I told Joel that once we put the carpet back down,

it'd be like we never took it.

Don't worry, we'll get it cleaned.

And we'll get you some new rabbit ears for the TV.

I sent Randy to go get some, but...

nah, you don't want to hear the end of that story.

It doesn't matter.

The robbery was far from the worst thing that happened that day.

The graffiti hurt Joel's feelings,

and the stud behind the graffiti broke

most of the bones in Joel's hand.

I was never able to compete again.

It's been swollen and twisted like this for seven years.

Sometime during year four, I tried

to hammer it flat, but...