Zombieland: Double Tap

Hmph.

Welcome to Zombieland.

Back for seconds? After all this time?

Well, what can I say, but thank you.

You have a lot of choices

when it comes to zombie entertainment,

and we appreciate you picking us.

So you know how Eskimos

have a bunch of words for snow?

[COLUMBUS SPEAKING ON-SCREEN TEXT]

The only reason we've survived the last several years

is we've gotten to know our bloodthirsty enemies

better than we know ourselves.

In the time since we last saw you,

zombies have evolved,

so we've given them different names.

This lady here is getting chased

by the dumbest Z there is, what we call a Homer.

In a world without YouTube,

who isn't entertained by a Homer?

D'oh!

Unfortunately, for every Homer,

there's a Hawking, as in Stephen.

Or maybe his slightly less accomplished sister, Beatrix,

who's still got some brains left to figure shit out.

Open, open!

Clever girl.

Okay. Last one.

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, what was that?

Okay, all right. Well, this time,

let's play Name That Zombie.

Hello?

Hello?

- -

The Ninja. Silent, deadly.

The first thing you hear is your own scream.

You can imagine how thrilled we were to crack the zombie code.

But life is about more than just survival.

Ever since we were evicted from our normal lives,

I'd been searching for a place to put down roots.

My old pal Tallahassee has this saying, "Go big or go home."

It's not his signature phrase, but it did give me an idea.

Why not go big...

and go home?

[METALLICA'S "MASTER OF PUPPETS" PLAYING]

Hail to the motherfucking chief.

There are worse places

to hang your hat.

Casa Blanca.

Wait, why does he get to be president?

I would have made a damn fine president.

Kissed a few hands, shook a few babies.

You would have brought a real dignity to the office.

- Thank you. - You don't have what it takes.

- I'll be president. - Heh!

And I nominate Little Rock as my VP.

So that means I get to be president

if you get killed by zombies.

That wasn't what I was thinking

when I offered you the position, but yes.

I have this rule:

Enjoy the little things.

Which is what we spent a lot of time doing

in those early days at the White House.

And it was a really special time,

making a house our home.

Shooting up, not to. All right. Nice!

Wichita and I fell into our own version of domestic bliss.

Well, not quite bliss, but domesticity to be sure.

Did Abe's blindfold fall off again?

No, it did not fall off. I took it off.

It's so creepy. He stares at us all night.

That stare emancipated the slaves,

and ended the Civil War.

We should be grateful he's gawking at us.

Remember what happened the last time you took the blindfold off?

You made me sleep on the Lincoln couch?

Mm-hm.

- Is that better? - Much better.

- Good. -

I love you so much, baby.

You are so gorgeous.

We really need to find you someone.

That's where you're wrong.

Any romance left in me belongs to the Beast here.

Okay. Well, then we need to find someone for me.

Heh, heh, heh, shouldn't be a problem,

long as you're open to dating zombies.

So you're saying what? I'm never gonna find a boyfriend,

or get married, have a family?

We're you family, so one out of three ain't bad.

Little Rock had a strong desire to leave the nest.

And let's just say Tallahassee

wasn't the most understanding father figure.

Little Rock!

But for better or worse,

we were a family.

And for the first time since the virus,

we were living somewhere truly safe,

making every day feel like... Well, like Christmas morning.

Hello? Ho-ho-ho!

Merry Christmas!

- Hey, Tal. - Santa.

What would you like for Christmas, little girl? A pony?

I'd like you to stop calling me "little girl."

Well, technically, you are little and you're a girl.

I am not a little girl, but do you know what I would like?

I don't give a fuck what you'd like.

Not to sound too sentimental,

but those days at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue

may have been the best days of my life,

and that's counting pre-Z.

Wait a second.

Oh, my God. No.

A first-edition Tolkien, and you wrote in it.

There's my name, marring this perfectly preserved paper.

Thank you. And yours too.

You didn't stop. Thank you so much.

It's a bit touching.

Hey, you know, I couldn't find any wrapping paper,

but don't worry about it. Just tear it open.

It doesn't matter. It's only Taft.

He was our fattest president, so there's a lot left over

if you need some wrapping paper.

Columbus, I didn't get anything from you.

Just what I wanted. Another gun.

Oh, hey, well, not just any gun. A Colt .45.

And not just any Colt .45. The King's.

- England? Denmark? Lichtenstein? - There's only one king.

Elvis Aaron fucking Presley, the greatest who ever lived.

The king of kings.

He gave this gun to Nixon when he visited the White House,

and I give it to you, locked and loaded.

Yeah, he used to shoot that Colt in his backyard.

King's palace, Memphis, Tennessee.

- I tell you about Graceland? - Only a hundred times.

We'll go there together someday.

Actually, I'm gonna go shoot this right now.

I think I saw some Zs down by the reflecting pool.

- I'll go with. - I'll go by myself.

- It's Christmas. - It's not fucking Christmas.

It's November 17th.

Little Rock was on the hunt, all right,

for people her own age.

And the thing is, they were out there.

We just made it a point to keep our distance.

Which would suck if you were the one stuck in the nest.

God, this is really terrifying, but totally unrealistic.

Hm...

Hey, she'll be fine.

Wish she didn't remind me so much of me.

Hey, come on. What's wrong with you?

Nothing.

All right. I wasn't gonna do this now.

Okay. Look, you always say that, like, I play it too safe,

and I know we've been in, like, a bit of a rut lately.

So I thought, what better way to spice things up than to...

Get married?

Yeah, well, I was gonna say, "Get married!" Yay!

- Is that the Hope diamond? - I certainly hope it is.

I want you to be Miss Ohio. Or I guess Mrs. Ohio.

This is unfair. You know how I feel about this.

- What? - We've talked about this.

In my limited, but absurdly painful experience,

married people only do one thing.

- What, fight? We already do that. - Get divorced.