Bad Teacher

Wait, Bron-Bron,

does Chris Keith know you exist yet?

- No, but I think he senses me. - Have you tried

dropping a pencil in front of him like I taught you?

I think that's too adult.

No, it's only adult if you pick it up with no hands.

I can pick up a pencil with one foot

and then sharpen it with the other.

And you don't have a boyfriend?

I know, right?

I think you need to try Internet dating.

I don't know, my sister had a really bad experience.

They matched her up with, like, a 300-pound guy.

Why would an Internet dating site

hook her up with a guy that's so much smaller than her?

Oh, there's my dad.

It's his weekend with me.

- See you next week. - Bye.

- See ya. - Bye.

Why does Bronwen's dad look so familiar?

He sells fancy houses to rich people.

His face is on billboards and park benches all over town.

He's Million Dollar Mike?

I've sat on his face a bunch of times!

I left my violin inside.

But look, my dad got me this cute bag.

He had to cancel our weekend away and felt bad.

Okay, girls, hit me with a quick one.

- Thanks. - Hey!

Hi.

Disregard the lollipop; it's an oral fixation.

- Wow. - You must be Bronwen's daddy.

I have heard so much about you.

But nothing about how handsome you are in person.

And you must be Bronwen's teacher, Ms., uh...

Ms. Davis. But it's, uh, Meredith to you.

Meredith, oh, she braids your hair.

I was under the impression that you were a student.

And I'm under the impression

you're taking me to dinner Monday.

I'm gonna take you out to dinner Monday?

I mean, I hardly know you.

But I would love to.

Well, that would, uh, that would be fun, uh...

just a heads up, since the divorce,

Bronwen has to approve of any girl that I date.

You know, she's a daddy's girl, so that's one rule I can't break

no matter how fast you get

to the center of that

- Tootsie Pop. - Well, don't worry,

Bronwen and I are in Safety Patrol together

and we're very good friends.

I mean, if I had to have a sister,

and she had to be brunette, I would want it to be Bronwen.

We're that close.

Great. Well, if she says yes,

you can get my number off of any billboard or park bench.

- I'm just kidding. - Oh.

I'm actually not kidding.

You can get my number off of any billboard or park bench.

So I'll just keep my fingers crossed.

- Bye, Meredith. - Bye, honey.

I'll see you on Monday.

And I'll see you on Monday night.

Here. Now you know how to use it.

Good news, everyone!

The superintendent has just informed me

that it is time for our yearly locker inspections.

I'm not in love with this responsibility,

but since my divorce, I'm trying to remain positive.

Trying to see that glass as half full.

Which it rarely is, as my roommate Ron

finishes my sodas when I doze off.

But it's all good!

It's all good.

A grown man with a roommate is so...

Awesome.

Right?

So I've been too nervous to pull the trigger on Internet dating.

But then Meredith inspired me.

So, I just asked my friends at the Ferret Club for a good site,

And I... I filled in my name and sex and I was done.

That's all the information you need to find a match?

Yeah.

Just somebody that doesn't ask a lot of questions.

And they don't match so much as they "locate" others.

You know, I guess that's their tagline anyway.

So, my first date is tomorrow night, and...

he is described as: male.

Ooh... I would never date online.

Too dangerous.

One minute you're meeting a guy for U Peel 'Em Shrimp,

and the next thing you know,

you're wrapped up in jumper cables,

trying to open a car trunk from the inside.

- Oh. - I'm just saying,

you should write your contact info on your arm.

That way the police will be able to quickly identify your body.

Okay, Kim, if you don't mind,

I'd like to start with your locker, as it's already open.

Sure, but be careful opening it, because

I keep a lot of stuff...

You're not even supposed to have a locker

in the teachers' lounge.

You are a student teacher.

Your locker should be with the students.

But I'm an adult.

It's okay.

I'm used to messes.

My roommate Ron is a hoarder.

So I will just consider this locker more than half full.

Because it's all good.

It is all good.

Oh, Bron-Bron...

I have huge news.

What is the greatest thing that you could ever possibly imagine

happening in your whole life and then times it by three?

I am considering dating your dad.

I know.

Let it sink in.

Get over the shock.

And then hug me.

Not a hugger, I get it!

So when I spoke to your dad,

he said that I would need your approval to date him.

Which is hilarious because obviously,

as bestie FFs, I already know your answer.

It's a formality thing.

Sorry, but it would be weird having my teacher date my dad.

But I'm your friend before I'm your teacher.

I mean, who taught you how to do that pencil trick?

And I was even gonna come to your stupid music thing

on Friday, pending my availability.

I think it will be better if you don't date my dad.

That's so weird... for a second I thought she said

don't date her dad.

Hey, Irene, what's up?

Uh, I need your help.

I finally filled out my online dating profile

and I have my first date tomorrow at lunch.

His profile name is TvWatcher359.

Apparently I was not a match with TvWatcher one through 358.

But you don't seem too excited.

Well, Ginny told me that online dating is dangerous

and that I should go to Sears and get my portrait done

so that I have a cute picture

for the "In Memoriam" section of next year's yearbook.

You know what? She's just being dramatic.

Okay, but maybe you could just teach me

some self-defense moves just in case.

You know, I do a little online dating, right?

And I... I haven't murdered or tried to murder once.

You just gotta stay alert and be aware of your surroundings.

- Okay, yeah. - Yeah.

- I can do that. - Yeah.

- Yeah. Thanks, Joel. All right. - No problem.

You know what, buddy? On second thought,

maybe I'll tag along just to be extra safe.

Good idea.

Bronwen, here's the thing that I love about our friendship:

We don't just have problems, we fix problems.

And me being your teacher is a fixable problem.

Watch.

Principal Carl...

Just a sec, I'm trying to loosen up this towel,

which is petrified,

so it'll fit in the garbage.

All part of the J-O-B.

Now, what can I do you for?

I was thinking that Bronwen over here

might be limited in sixth grade, and it might be a good idea

to promote her to seventh.

She gets straight As.

She knows more than everyone in the class.

Even more than me sometimes.

I mean, I know more than her... like, she's stupid

compared to me but smart for her class.

So, what do you say?

Well... uh...

it doesn't happen that often,

but I guess I could look into it.

That would be so great.

- All right. - Okay.

Bron-Bron, isn't that amazing?

You get to go to seventh grade, I get to date your dad.

It's win-win.

I am dizzy in the head on that one.

Where should we get our Christmas card picture taken?

I'm feeling something tropical.

I want to stay in my grade with my friends.

- I'll promote your friends. - You're not understanding.

I am understanding.

I am bending over backwards to date your dad

and not in the fun way.

I'll explain it later.

Can you think for one second how fun it would be for us

if I dated your dad?

We could be even better besties...

What I want is for you not to date my dad!

But why not? You know me.