Fresh Off the Boat

Thank you for coming in to interview

for the principal position, Mrs. Huang.

My pleasure. Thank you for agreeing to meet.

Now, what specific ideas do you have

to improve our school?

Trick question.

Only a fool would give ideas for free.

I'll answer when I'm on payroll.

And why are you talking

in a regionally incorrect British accent?

To get into the part. Like you asked.

In your detailed and demanding voicemail.

No accent, but I do like the glasses.

Makes you look like you have the IQ of a brunette.

Okay.

As principal,

how would you let go of a bad employee?

Quickly and off a 4-story building. Next.

Jessica...

You asked me to help.

Stop joking around.

Honey, private schools are competitive.

My résumé is perfect,

and I want my interview to be perfect, too.

Sure, I know I can rely on my looks,

but I want to be hired for what's in here.

Not for all this.

Now, start over.

Hi, Jessica.

So nice to meet you.

Tell me about yourself.

What? What now?

Most interviewers offer water.

"Can I get you some water, Mrs. Huang?"

Fine.

Mrs. Huang, would you like some water?

Oh, no, thank you.

But I will take some tea.

Next up... handshakes.

In my experience,

most interviews start and end with one...

if the interviewer is a woman.

A too-long hug if it's a man.

- - Ow!

Ow! My darts hand!

My hands are so strong

from pulling myself up by my own bootstraps.

She's got the grip of a chimpanzee.

We blow through doorknobs around here.

Wait, you asked Honey to help you find a job

and not the business consultant you live with?

Way to kiss a gift horse on the mouth.

I think the saying is

"Don't look a gift horse in the mouth."

- That doesn't make sense. - Wrong.

Jessica, you're right. Maybe it's best I don't help.

You're used to me as your husband,

not brutally honest, straightforward,

no-emotion Business Louis.

No emotion? I would love it if you were like that all the time.

Have you, uh, networked with Deidre yet?

She's on the board at a private school.

Deidre?

The "networking" I do with her is not exactly positive.

Hey. You wanted to borrow these for Honey's surprise party?

There's a surprise for you too...

You're not invited.

Did you want me to set these up in the kitchen

or up your ass?

Yeah, that's not bridge-building.

But, luckily, you have me.

Deidre and I have a fruitful business relationship.

I buy all my hair products from her.

She only sells women's products.

Mm-hmm.

$50 of monthly hair products

doesn't just build a lustrous sheen.

It builds a friendship.

Jessica, let me help.

I know I can get you the job of your dreams.

Well, I guess it can't hurt.

Plus, Honey, you're doing terrible.

You took 20 minutes to make tea.

- - Here. Saved my crusts for you.

Yes. Papa loves his "Emery Sticks."

Compadres! Why don't we switch the channel over to "ESS-PEN,"

'cause this Huang is now a high school athlete.

The high school's desperate for Mathletes,

so they're recruiting the top eighth grader.

Their team is about to... multiply.

That's the little "x" one, right?

Mm.

I'm on my way to completing the Iron Man.

Science fair, Mathletes,

and one day, the spelling bee.

I wish it was a smelling bee. I'd dominate.

I smelled almost 30 things yesterday.

I'll be there a few times a week for practice.

We can all hang out.

Three Huang boys, one underfunded high school.

Who am I kidding? I couldn't win a smelling bee.

Some of those kids have been training their entire lives.

Thanks for the invite, Louis. I had no idea you guys played.

Ah, the hitting, the walking, the basic arithmetic.

Can't get enough of it.

Okay.

This is hell.

Sure, but sometimes you have to endure a little hardship

for the good of the big picture...

Play the long game.

Louis, don't annoy me.

I have spikes on the bottom of my shoes.

Well, making connections requires finesse.

You have to massage the relationship before asking favors.

Finesse? Massage?

You gotta stop watching those shampoo commercials.

Focus. This is step 1 of many.

Amazing shot, Deidre!

Now, slowly start to butter her up.

Ask her about her side makeup company.

Hey, Deidre, great golf.

How's your makeup thing?

Oof! Let me tell you.

Our glitter shadows are flying off the...

I'm looking for a job at a private school.

I know you're on the board of Smith-Moore Academy.

Uhp, uh, first sign of sunstroke.

She starts talking about private schools.

Sorry, Deidre.

Sunstroke, with the brim radius on that visor?

No way. She wants to talk business.

I do. Servant, grab your little pencil.

Come take notes.

Actually, it just so happens,

our school is looking for a Dean.

You'd be perfect. I could put in a good word.

Really?

Thank you.

Yeah, of course.

And with my pull, the interview is basically a formality,

so I'll go call the school right now while you guys tee off.

That happened awfully fast.

You are just thrown because I made your long game short.

Maybe.

Or she can't afford to lose her best haircare customer.

Or she just knows that I'm perfect at everything I do.

Home run!

You're up.

Sorry you couldn't sit up front.

You have to call shotgun. Right, Emery?

It's tough for me because I'm a pacifist,

but I also get carsick back there.

Alright, last safe place for farts.

Blast them out while you still can.

My dream came a year early.

Three Huangs together in high school.

- I'm the third Huang. My God, it's Evan!

If the girls are too much,

complain to someone else, you lucky bastard.

There he is.

My man.

Alright, see you after school, nerd.

Don't be late, or I'm leaving you.

How do you conjure up your farts so fast?

I clam up.

It comes with age.

What did he mean by "see you after school"?

You guys don't hang out at school?

Oh, it's just that...

I don't want to cramp his style, you know?

It's high school. That's just the way it is.

Oh, dear Lord, the tongue kissing is rampant!

Hey, Eve, nice cat calendar.

Did you see the new "Dilbert" today? So true.

Hey, are we going in on a lotto ticket together or what?

Man, I love office culture.

Who are you?

I'm the new Dean. Dean Huang.

I came in last week

for my start paperwork and faculty wall photos?

I deemed myself a one-shot wonder?

Oh, right. The Dean.

Oh, there she is.

Hello, Jessica.