This Is Where I Leave You

Morning, Randy. Hi.

- Morning. Morning. - Good morning.

Shelby. Caramel mocha.

Judd. You rock.

Thank you. I do rock, don't I?

- Judd. - Wade.

Aw. Hydration.

It's gonna get me through.

You ready? - Let's do it.

Now, I understand you're telling me that you think it's gay to groom your privates.

Now, are you having one of your buddies help you run the razor?

- Is that what's making it gay? Ha-ha-ha.

Man Up. What do you got?

Now we got an NBA wife that's gonna be suing her power-forward husband...

...for half of everything because he cheated on her.

Now, here's the story, toots.

Hold and turn down your radio, please.

...Destroying dudes in the paint. Foot and a half of rope in his pants.

I am sending it in to him. if he likes it, he'll pick up the phone.

You don't get to be shocked when he gets road tail in Cleveland at an away game.

Stop chasing 10s.

Bang a 4, bang a 5.

Look at the gratitude on their face. You be the best part of their year.

Order like a man. Can you do us all that favor?

Get yourself a bourbon or a whiskey neat.

Then why did you vote for him?!

Why did you vote for him?! No one made you! Did you get paid?!

- Did someone give you $500?! - Ha-ha-ha.

Wade, great show. Can we go over some syndication numbers, pal?

Can we not do that now? I'm wiped, man.

Gotta get home and take a nap. I'll call you. Okay?

Yeah, great. You go home. Get some rest. I'll consolidate these for you.

How'd it turn out?

- She's gonna love it. - Nice. Thank you for that.

How soon can you get me out of here?

Financials at 1. I can have you home early by 3.

Promise? - Promise.

Quinn?

Quinn.

Approachin' hoochies with a passion

Come on, baby, come on. Fuck! Quinn! Aah!

- Oh, yeah, yeah! Oh!

- Oh, shit! Harder! Yeah!

Wade! Wade! Yeah! Unh!

Would now be a great time to go over those numbers?

Oh, my God!

- How long? Judd.

- How long?! - A year.

This is the first time.

On our sides.

How long?

A year, Judd.

[HORN HONKING & MAN YELLING INDISTINCTLY]

It's not a good time, Wendy.

Dad's dead.

What?

He died about an hour ago.

No, no, no. Hang on.

They said that he had more time.

Yeah, well, apparently he didn't.

Shit. How's Mom?

She's Mom. You know. She asked me how much to tip the nurses.

Listen, there's something else:

Dad wants us to sit shiva.

Dad's dead.

Yeah. Apparently that's the optimal time to do it.

I asked them three times to remove this awful tube. I mean, give the man his dignity.

I don't understand the shiva.

Mom's not even Jewish, and Dad was an atheist.

A Jewish atheist. And this is what he wanted.

I'm just gonna do it myself.

No. It's okay, Mom. Let the nurses do it.

What am I gonna do? Kill him?

Mommy, leave it!

I don't know, Judd. This is what he told Mom he wanted. And Paul is on board with it.

And I haven't managed to track down Phillip yet. Hopefully, he'll check his texts.

Okay.

Jesus, fuck, Mom!

It's better, don't you think?

Mommy, put him down. Stop touching him.

- Judd. - Hi, Mom.

Where's Quinn, honey?

She's got a bulging disk because of a gym accident.

- My God. Is she all right? She's fine.

The doctors have her on pain medication. She was devastated she couldn't be here.

- No, of course. - There he is, huh?

- Mm. - It's okay to cry, honey.

- Thank you. - Or laugh.

- There's no correct response. - Okay.

I thought maybe I would just stand here quietly in sad reflection. You know?

- Linda. Hi, sweetie.

Hi. Hi.

Hey, Paul. - Judd. How are you?

- Hi, sweetheart. - Hey, Judd. Hi.

Hello. Look at this.

Hi, sis. Got your hands full, huh?

- A bulging disk? Seriously? - Yep.

You have to tell Mom about Quinn.

I'm not ready yet. What's different about her?

It's the boobs. She had a little touch-up.

She's going on another book tour. Twenty-fifth anniversary of Cradle and All.

- God help us. Hey, Barry. Hey, pal. Just send the last iteration.

Seriously? Pay attention. - Whoa. What, are you kidding me?

Say hello to your brother-in-law. He's bereaved.

- Sorry, I didn't see you. - Good to see you.

- What's up, little man? - Mommy said "shit" in the car.

- "Shit"? Yeah.

- Oh. Have you been drinking all day? - Yeah.

So we started out with a little booze and profanity, Mom?

Good morning, everybody.

Mort Altman was not a fan of ritual.

So, in deference to him, I'm gonna limit myself to a single psalm.

Okay?

The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want.

He maketh me to lie down...

Shut 'em down, open up shop

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures.

Shit! Shit, shit, shit.

Shit, shit, shit.

Shit.

Shit.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Hey, Mr. Parker.

- Mommy. - Phillip. You came.

Of course I came.

Hey, hey. Low five, low five, low five.

Koala Bear. Hey.

- Hey, man. - How you doing?

- Nice ride. - Yeah. Where's Quinn?

- Are we all set? Do you mind if I keep going? - Holy shit.

Sorry, Boner.

- No, Charlie. Rabbi Grodner. - Shh.

Nobody calls me "Boner" anymore. That was a childhood nickname.

So now we know that.

Um...

Apologies.

Paul, Mort's eldest son, will now say a few words.

Boner is a man of God now?

- That'll never stop being weird. - Shh. Come on.

I see Mom's new tits are present and accounted for.

How about those? - Hey.

Sorry.

Dad would've hated this funeral.

That's just one of the things I loved about him.

He would've been counting the minutes till he could go down the hill...

...turn on the game, heh...

...and then he just would've talked about how full of shit everybody was, heh.

They didn't really miss him.

And he would've been wrong.

We do miss him.

Hey, man.

Hi, son. Hey, Mom.

Hey, Sunflower.

Hey, Horry.

Hey, Horry.

Sorry about Mort, man. Yeah.

Thanks, buddy. How you doing?

Living the dream.

Yeah. Good to see you.

Oh, no. No, no, Mom, you gotta be kidding me.

- It's actually more comfortable than it looks. - I doubt that.

Wendy's kids are in Paul's room, so I gave your room to Paul.

Nice.

Annie's ovulating, and I figured they could use the privacy.

Yeah. Well...

Paul and Annie only live about a half hour away. How come they have to sleep here?

I want all my kids under one roof again.

Obviously, when Quinn gets here, we'll make different arrangements.

- But this is okay, right? - Yeah.

- Yeah? - It's good.

- Be fine. - Okay.

- Come up soon. - Okay.

Visitors'll be here any minute.

Judd, it's starting!

You're shitting us, right?

They're shiva chairs. You sit low to the ground as a sign of mourning.

That's why they're like that.

- Don't some people sit shiva for three days? - I've seen that. That's a thing.

- It's not a thing. - Maybe that could be our thing.

- It can't be. - They do it in California. We could pioneer that.

We're not gonna pioneer it. Nobody here's gonna pioneer it.

The word "shiva" is Hebrew for "seven."

Seven days, no work, no travel. Your ass is in those seats. Those are the rules.

I'd love to find the word for "three."

- I don't think Dad... Stop it!

This was your father's dying wish, and you're negotiating?

He was not a perfect man or a perfect father, but he sure as hell was better than most.

- Mom... - No!

Your father had one final request, and we are gonna honor it.

It's gonna be hard, it's gonna be uncomfortable...

...and we're gonna get on each other's nerves.

But for the next seven days, you are all my children again.

And you are all grounded.

What are you waiting for? Come on.

Yup. Any particular seat?

- I'll take her. - No. No, I got her.

- She's fine. ANNIE: She's exhausted. She should get a nap.

Judd, Paul.

Shh.

You need to put a baby in that woman yesterday.

I'm working on it.