Modern Family

Not again.

I just came from an intervention.

Oh, no, no, Nicole, this is a staff meeting.

You asked us to be here.

Oh.

Here you go, Kato.

Yes, I wanted to talk to you all

about something very important.

So, what plant has been revered

for its healing properties for millions of years?

Aloe.

'Ello to you, too, but let's stay focused.

- Peppers. - Peppers.

Weird, we are so in synch these days.

I want to be in the pepper business, people.

And I need ideas now.

I haven't come up with a single product idea in weeks,

so I'm on thin ice at NERP.

And I don't mean the low-calorie ice cubes

we sell on our website.

Well, my... my step-grandmother,

she is from Colombia, and she sells a salsa

that is supposedly made with these magical peppers.

Peppers? I was just talking about them.

Yeah.

When can I meet her?

Sell my sauce business to NERP?

I think you could get a lot for it.

When Nicole wants something,

she just throws money at it.

She bought her next-door neighbor's house

because she liked the mailbox.

I don't know.

I do. Dump it.

That thing is worth less than a bachelor's degree.

Please, Gloria. I really need this.

No one takes me seriously at that office.

I don't even have my own cubicle.

I share one, giant bean bag chair with the interns.

I want to help you,

but... something feels wrong.

Just go to the meeting and hear what the offer is.

Okay, fine. I will go. I will listen.

But I am not selling.

- What do you think? It's gonna be tough.

She's got a lot of practice not selling that sauce.

Whoa, what's up with the blazer and the t-shirt?

Thought you were going to a college interview,

not doing stand up in 1988.

I'm starting to think maybe college isn't for me.

There's this guy at the club who said I could be a model.

He said he's gonna take me out to the desert this week

- and take some pictures. - I'd put a pin in that.

Of course you're going to college. What are you talking about?

I don't know.

I wasn't very good at school the first time around.

Maybe I'm just...

Hey! Don't you dare call yourself "an idiot".

I wasn't going to.

I was gonna say, "Maybe I'm not ready."

Honey, it's just nerves.

Change is scary, but in the end,

I promise, it is all worth it.

Your mother's right.

You dig deep, you make your best effort,

- that's where you find the glory. - Exactly.

Like that time I beat her in that race.

Maybe 10 years ago, Phil challenged me to a race.

I don't believe it!

Daddy wins!

Do you believe in miracles?

U.S.A.!

He was feeling adrift because the kids were back at school,

so I let him beat me.

He has not shut up about it since.

- Oh! - Oh!

Oh, my God, Usain Bolt wins again!

Can you even imagine what that feels like?

Oh, I don't have to, sweetheart.

I lived it.

All appeared lost, but I turned on the afterburners...

He's heard the story, Phil.

And I pull off one of the greatest upsets

in the history of husband-and-wife competition.

Okay, I'll go to that college interview and hear them out.

I'm proud of you, buddy.

I think what you and I did right there

was called "great parenting".

Might be time to retire that story.

I am so sorry. That was insensitive.

I didn't realize how much it must bother you

to relive that loss.

Phil, I am just feeling...

Hey, don't you dare call yourself "a failure".

I let you win.

You what?

Oh, I had you beat, easily. I didn't even break a sweat.

As a matter of fact, I almost pulled a muscle holding back.

But, I saw how much it meant to you, and I let you win.

Oh, wow, yeah. No, that makes a lot of sense. I get it.

Like the way all the other horses wanted Secretariat to feel good.

Now you're Secretariat?

I don't know.

Was Secretariat married to a crazy person?

Oh, God, Phil, I 100% let you win.

Then, you could 100% beat me again.

Oh, I could. Same course?

I've only gotten stronger.

How 'bout we add a few challenges?

- Monkey bars? - Great! Rope climb.

I love it. Tires.

Why not? Noon?

- Fine. I have a showing. I'll move it. - Hope it's not too heavy.

The release form for this ride-along is...

is shockingly thorough.

I'm not gonna let anything happen to you.

I can't bury another ride-along.

I'm kind of the precinct cut up.

Okay. Mitchell, it'll be fine. They do these things all the time.

Yeah, easy for you to say. My entire head is a gang color.

Okay, this is so exciting.

You know, in my alternate life, I'm a... I'm a cop.

I-I thought that your alternate life

was you teaching at-risk youth to street dance.

No, I teach them to believe in themselves

through street dance.

Cam's always wanted to go on a ride-along.

So, I called in a favor

to my law school friend Lucy at the DA's office.

Weird thing, they're understaffed.

And she offered me a job as a prosecutor.

I just... I can't picture myself with a badge.

I mean, I already hate how thick my wallet is.

So, when do we roll?

- You mean leave? - Oh, copy that.

You know, it's hard for me not to use the lingo.

Bit of a lawman myself, acting high-school vice principal.

Anyway, they call me "Arthritis"

because I make life hard on seniors.

They don't.

But he did make a sign for his desk, didn't ya?

Hey, hey.

Do you think that perhaps you're coming on a tad strong?

No, I think Officer Stablitzky appreciates me knowing the language.

It's, like, when you go to Italy,

you use "prego" every other word. They love it.

Break-in in progress. Cooper and Olympic.

- Wait. What was that? - In progress?

Should we wait 'til they're done?

- 12-A-3 responding. - Copy that, 12-A-3.

Mitchell, why don't you ride shotgun?

Oh, no, You know, he doesn't do that well

on Splash Mountain in the front seat, so...

- He'll be fine. Get in. - Yes, sir. Okay.

Okay, and then, you know, then,

maybe I can front seat on even crimes.

- You know, to keep it fair. - Probably not.

You know, Phil, it's not too late to back out.

I am in the best shape of my life.

After my last physical,

the doctor posted my stress test on his Instagram.

Honey, I'm on the basketball court four days a week.

They call me "Phil Dunk-phy".

Well, take a good look at this face 'cause it's the last time

you're gonna see it for a while...

- on your mark, get set, go! - Hey!

I immediately pulled that muscle

that runs from the top of your head

down to the bottom of your feet.

The truth is,

between work and not wanting to workout,

I hadn't worked out that much.

Welcome to the jungle, Claire.

Monkey see, monkey d... Ow!

My first thought was that I had been shot in both shoulders.

Here's the thing... while Claire works out,

I do go to the basketball court,

but, uh, for epic robot battles.

Oh, Spin-a-tron cornered me again.

Looks like you got me dead... Possum-punch!

Possum-punch! Possum-punch!

Clouds look kind of ominous, huh?

Kind of felt a raindrop.

- Maybe we should reschedule... - Okay.

Sorry we missed that robbery.

It would've been a fun way to start the day.

Yeah, hi. Have you guys considered using the Waze app.

I could fire it up

and it'd be kind of, like, your Goose.

- Whoa, did you see that? - See what?

I'm blocked. I can't see anything.

That jerk just cut off that old lady.

- Wanna mess with him? - Mess with who?

Is that allowed?

What's he gonna do, call the cops?

- - Can you speak up a little bit?

- I'm losing the thread. - That's the siren.

- Okay. - Not yet.

Not yet. Now!

- - Oh! Oh, my God!