Father Brown

Morning, Mrs McCarthy! Are you going somewhere nice?

I'm waiting for someone, actually.

- Our new cleaner. - Oh, yes?

Let's hope she's better than the last one.

She left the presbytery looking like a pigsty.

Oh, how awful for you.

Did I mention, we've just won an award for our hanging baskets?

You did.

And congratulations -- again.

Well, I mustn't dawdle. We have an inspector in.

Toodle-oo.

There you go. Floral Finery Award, 1953.

Most impressive.

Hello, Mr Chatterjee.

I hope my husband has shown you all you need to see?

Yes, indeed.

And if you'd like to put this on your notice board...

Marvellous.

Tuck your shirt in.

Here comes your train. The Kembleford Dragon.

Such a nice man, Mr Chatterjee.

So very rigorous.

Hello...

Mrs McCarthy.

No. My name's Pandora.

Yes, I know that. I am Mrs McCarthy.

So why did you call me Mrs McCarthy?

Because I was...

Never mind.

I'm here to take you to St Mary's.

Just one item of luggage?

That's very kind. Thank you.

Mr Webb...

Are you all right?

Ben, what is it?

No!

They can't close us down.

Holy Mother!

Oh...

Oh, Father!

Sergeant Goodfellow...

- Are you on the way to the meeting? - I am indeed.

I was shocked to hear about the closure.

Not as shocked as the stationmaster.

- Hey, how is Mr Webb? - Not good.

He had a severe heart attack.

He's lucky to be alive.

Honestly, I'm fine. There's no need to make such a fuss.

The doctors told you to conserve your energy. So stop talking.

It's good to see you!

And how are you feeling?

Soldiering on, Mrs M. Soldiering on.

Well, I've put all the chairs out.

But I seem to have put my back out in the process.

Now, we need to put you somewhere with a good view...

Oh, I think I've already got one.

- Hello. - And what time do you call this?

I don't know. I haven't got a watch.

Obviously.

Now that you are here,

your job is to serve the refreshments.

The what?

A cup of tea!

Oh, thank you very much. Two sugars.

Good evening. Am I in the right place?

That is debatable.

Mrs Webb, I am very sorry,

but British Railways will ensure there is alternative transport.

And will they find me an alternative husband?

As mine's over there in a wheelchair.

Oh, Mrs Webb, let me get you a nice cup of tea.

What goes around, comes round...

- Father Brown. - Mr Chatterjee.

- Though I already know you by reputation. - Really?

Weren't you involved in a campaign to build a tunnel

under the tracks for migrating toads?

I like to help all God's creatures.

And I like to ensure they get value for money.

Our report found that this part of the railway

has been losing money for 20 years.

- Shame! - According to you!

The facts are here.

Father Brown?

Has there been a report into the non-monetary benefits

of the railway?

What do you mean?

Well, I mean such as being able to take

an inspirational trip to the seaside.

Or visit a friend in hospital.

Or to find some decent nightlife.

No, because these things are priceless,

so we must provide alternative transport.

Let me introduce someone...

My name is Buddy Arnold.

But you probably knew that already.

And for the past ten years,

I've been the owner of Arnold's Bus Company.

"As easy as ABC."

Those of you in the Women's Institute

will remember our awayday to Wordsworth's cottage.

All too well...

While the boys in blue will have many happy memories

of a magic weekend in Mablethorpe.

Don't worry, Sergeant. Your secret's safe with me!

I don't know what he's talking about.

Now, I was sad to hear about the closing of the railway station.

But on the bright side,

my fleet of charabancs will visit all the places

the train used to go to, but...

.. at double the speed and for half the price.

Mrs Webb, could you wait till the end

if there is something you disagree with?

I disagree with every word!

You're not sad to hear of our closure.

You danced a little jig, probably causing a landslide.

That's nice...

Yes, you will bring down your prices.

Until you own the monopoly and you'll put them back up again.

Exactly.

It's not about pounds, shillings and pence.

The railway is our life.

Well, you look like you're about ready to retire, anyway.

Oh!

I'm sorry, Sergeant.

It was most ill-mannered.

But Ben and I have spent years at the station.

We try to make it seem homely.

Did you know I won an award for my hanging baskets?

Mrs McCarthy may have mentioned it.

The trophy's at the station, I'm afraid.

I took it in to show the Inspector.

Fat lot of good that did.

How is Mr Webb?

I'm fine.

Just fed up with folk looking at me as if I'm about to snuff it.

Ben, it's good to see you up.

Tuck your shirt in.

You'll be pleased to hear we've formed a committee

called Save Our Station.

SOS. I like it.

And we're planning a fete, to raise money for the campaign.

Oh, that's a most wonderful idea!

Here, I've got something in my shed I want to show you.

I've been working on this for... 22 years.

It's... extraordinary.

You've got the whole of Kembleford station, the signal box...

It's not finished yet.

So it seems a bit cruel they're closing the station

- before I've even finished my model. - Darling...

We'll do whatever we can. And there's always this little fete.

Yeah.

I know where we can hold it.

It's fourpence for the petit-four.

But remember, a shilling for the custard tartlets.

Right.

- Did you get that? - What?

The custard tartlets...

Oh, yes, please, I haven't had any breakfast.

No, you are not here to eat. You're here to help.

And as you put no effort into cleaning the church,

that is the least you could do.

Don't you think that was a teensy bit harsh?

No, I don't think it was a teensy bit harsh.

She needs to know if she's not coming up to my standards.

No-one comes up to your standards.

Hello, ladies.

Oh, Mr Webb!

Can I interest you in a sticky bun?

I'd love a bit of that, but I don't think my heart would take it.

There you are! I've been worried sick.

I just popped to the bathroom to check my hair wasn't too ridiculous.

Really? Well, you might want to check it again.

Mrs Webb, an award-winning strawberry scone,

only sixpence.

I mustn't. I'm piling on the pounds at the moment and...

I'm catching the 11:55!

What's he doing here?

I'll be glad to see the back of this place.

Would that be a pineapple upside-down cake?

Yes, that would be.

But you have to pay, just like anyone else.

Oh, look who it is...

Hello, folks!

Sorry I'm late.

Who wants a ride in the countryside?

Free coach trips

to Evesham, Amblesham and Tawny Lake.

Have you got permission to hand out flyers?

I just wanted to show I don't bear a grudge.

How's Mr Webb?

It was sad to see him looking so old and frail the other day.

Mr Arnold, it's time your charabanc left the station.

If you say so.

Wretched man.

Well, I must go and get Ben.

He was going to do a speech, but I'm not sure he's well enough.

Is there anyone else we could ask?

Imagine, if you will,

a world without railways.

It would be a world of absolute silence.