Mom

Ten minutes. 20 minutes.

Really, two minutes for a nickel?

Ugh.

When did I get a peso?

Excuse me?

Yeah?

Any chance you could lend me a quarter?

Lend you? Are you a good credit risk?

Terrible... but I think you probably have 30 cents

of good karma coming at you.

Oh, in that case, why don't I just give you

the full two hours?

Oh, thank you.

: No, thank you.

This hopefully makes up

for all those gas stations I robbed.

What?

It's a joke.

It was just one liquor store.

Have a nice day.

- You, too. Bye. - Bye.

- Well, this is awkward. - Yeah, a little bit.

When will this nightmare end?

Allow me.

Oh, thank you.

All right, bye again.

Oh, not yet.

Hi, Aunt Marjorie.

Hi, Nick.

Aunt Marjorie?

It's how she signs my birthday cards.

I see you two have met.

Yeah, she was on the street begging for change.

Oh, honey, I thought we talked about that.

Marjorie, aren't you gonna introduce us?

Sorry.

Jill, Wendy,

Bonnie, Christy, this is my nephew, Nick.

Nick, these are my girls.

Hi.

- Hello. - Hi.

Hi.

Nick, why don't you join us?

Uh, thanks, but I got to get to work.

And-And thank you for letting me use your storage locker.

Any time.

Okay, well, it's nice meeting you.

So long.

- Bye. - Bye.

And do not follow me.

- Less. - Bye.

Where have you been hiding him?

And why?

Is he single? Not that I care.

I can be a side dish.

Back off, he already stuck his card in my meter.

Listen, ladies, I get it.

Nick is a very attractive young man, but he's off limits.

- What?! Why?! - Boo. No!

It's just not a good idea.

I'm your sponsor, he's my sister's kid.

Okay, well, I want a new sponsor.

Bonnie, will you be my new sponsor?

Sure, but you can't date Nick

until my daughter's done with him.

Okay, Wendy, you're my new sponsor.

No one's dating Nick and that's final.

- Boo. No fair. Whatever.

I should've just jumped him on the street.

What's that?

I should've just

jumped him on the street!

Got a minute?

Not really. I'm studying for midterms.

All right, I was just gonna show you a Facebook picture

of Marjorie's nephew with no shirt on.

Let me see.

Oh, my God, shirtless on a horse?

On the beach.

That's just not fair.

I'll tell you what's not fair,

that horse underneath him instead of you.

Why are you trying to wind me up?

'Cause you deserve to date a handsome guy,

and I always like sticking it to Marjorie.

He is handsome.

Handsome and rugged.

They don't make rugged anymore.

I blame soy milk.

You know, he couldn't take his hazel-green-

with-a-fleck-of-blue eyes off of you.

Really? He was totally eye-boning you.

Doesn't matter.

I'm not going behind Marjorie's back.

Makes sense.

Why pursue the perfect man if it might temporarily make

an elderly woman uncomfortable?

You know Marjorie's only, like,

ten years older than you, right?

If you ever say that again, I will gut you like a fish.

Check this out. Status: single,

and he's a riding instructor at Valley Glen Stables.

Mother of God,

he's professionally shirtless on a horse?

: Go to him.

No. I can't. I just can't.

Okay, I tried. Good night.

Good night.

Just gonna finish studying.

His last name's Banaszak.

Thank you.

Steady, girl.

Hi.

Oh, hi, right on time.

Actually, I got here 20 minutes ago,

but I waited in the car 'cause being early is lame,

and so is telling you that, sorry.

No worries.

So, you're thinking about riding lessons for your son?

Yes, that's what I'm thinking about.

Well, I mean, I could tell you all about how I teach,

but it'd be easier just to show you.

With a video?

With a horse.

You got any smaller ones?

You're not scared, are you?

No, I just have a history of falling off things,

mostly bar stools, but one bridge.

Well, don't worry.

I'll put you on Starburst. She's very gentle.

I had a five-year-old girl on her this morning.

Easy for her, she's five.

She doesn't understand death.

Starburst, this is Christy.

Christy, meet Starburst.

Hello, enormous animal.

Here. Pet her nose. She loves it.

Oh, something we have in common.

Okay.

Ooh, it's warm.

Good Starburst.

Here. Try an apple.

I would've given it to the horse,

but that's another way to go.

Oh.

Okay, just put your foot in the stirrup,

and swing your other leg over.

It's kind of high.

Here, let me.

Ready?

I'll give you a boost. You grab the saddle horn.

- What's the saddle horn?! - Oh, God.

I got to tell you, I'm really impressed.

I mean, you hear the expression, "Get back on that horse,"

but... you rarely see it.

: Thank you.

This is fun.

Try to move with the horse.

Isn't that what I'm doing?

You know, it might get smoother

if you pick up the pace a notch.

Give her a little kick.

That seems kind of mean.

It's not gonna hurt her.

All right, now you're just tickling her.

Go on, show her who's the boss.

I'm so sorry.

You're the boss!

You're the boss! You're the boss!

When we tell people this story,

can we say I was thrown from the horse?

Sure.

It's a lot cooler

than slipping in the ladies' room.

Maybe we should put stirrups on that toilet.

- Let's take a look at that ankle. - Ow, ow, ow, ow.

- Am I hurting you? - No, I'm just sitting on my keys.

It's not broken.

You should probably stay off it for a while

and keep it elevated.

Okay, but I'm gonna need your help.

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

: Oh, wow.

Yeah, wow.

Didn't miss the saddle horn that time.

You're hard to miss.

Aw, shucks.

So, listen, as great as this was,

and it was really great,

we can't tell Marjorie.

Oh, man.

My mother's sister's always my first call after sex.

No, it's just she's my sponsor in AA...

No.

... and it might get a little weird.

Understood. I will gladly be...

your dirty little secret.

Oh, God, that just makes it hotter.

Mmm. Oh, listen, I don't want to spoil the moment, but...

we should probably get dressed or a little boy named Brandon