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-I GUESS PORTNOY. I WAS THINKING MAYBE GOODBYE, COLUMBUS,

BECAUSE THAT'S THE BEGINNING... -START AT THE BEGINNING. BUT...

-IT'S A NICE LITTLE... IT'S AN INTERESTING STORY.

I GUESS PORTNOY IS THE KIND OF...

I MEAN, THERE'S DEFINITELY A SHORTER...

WE COULD START WITH THAT.

BECAUSE THAT'S HILARIOUS. -IT'S FUNNY.

-IT'S EASY TO READ. -IT'S ENTERTAINING. AND THAT'S WHY...

-BUT IT'S ALSO FILTHY, AND YOU'RE GOING TO BE...

-YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO PUT IT DOWN.

-YOU'RE GOING TO BE TITILLATED BY THAT,

BUT THEN YOU'RE GOING TO STAY FOR THE PATHOS.

-YOU ARE. HE'S GOT... HE'S AMAZING, MAN.

HE'S LIKE A COMBO OF ALL

THE MOST AMAZING WRITERS THAT YOU COULD EVER THINK OF.

HE'S LIKE A CHRONICLE

OF THE POST-WAR 20TH CENTURY IN ONE OEUVRE.

-HE'S NOT LIKE, JUST, ALL THE BOOKS ARE JEWISH.

I MEAN HE HAS BOOKS, AMAZING BOOKS, WHERE,

LIKE, THERE'S NOT ONE JEWISH CHARACTER.

I MEAN, THE GUY DOES POLITICAL SATIRE, LIKE OUR GANG,

UM, THE GUY DOES, LIKE,

PROUSTIAN MEMORY TYPE STUFF.

AS A TECHNICIAN, THE GUY'S AMAZING. HE'S LIKE PROUST.

-ARE YOU COMPARING PHILIP ROTH TO PROUST?

-I AM DOING THAT. -IS THAT WHAT I HEARD?

AND I'VE ACTUALLY READ MORE THAN THE FIRST THIRTY

PAGES OF WHEN SHE WAS GOOD, SO I'M QUALIFIED TO DO THAT.

OH, THAT'S...SO HAVE I.

-THIS IS BASED ON THE THIRTY PAGES

OF WHEN SHE WAS GOOD THAT YOU READ?

IT'S BASED ON ALL OF THE PAGES

OF WHEN SHE WAS GOOD THAT I READ.

-OH, OKAY. OH, YOU FINISHED THAT BOOK?

I WASN'T AWARE.

-THAT'S WHY I SAID ALL OF THEM. -OH, ALL RIGHT.

-YEAH. -I THOUGHT IT WAS...

AFTER THIRTY, I REMEMBERED YOU SAYING...

I TOOK A BREAK.

ALL RIGHT. THAT WAS A BREAK.

ANYWAY, I DON'T AGREE WITH THIS... THIS INTERPRETATION

I THINK HE IS AS GOOD AS PROUST.

-I- -I AM AWARE THAT THAT'S NOT THE MAJORITY POSITION.

-OH, OH, I NEVER SAID HE WASN'T AS GOOD AS PROUST.

I SAID THE COMPARISON DIDN'T MAKE SENSE TO ME, THAT'S ALL.

-OH, OKAY. WELL, THE... WHAT ABOUT THE COUNTERLIFE?

-YEAH, I MEAN, HOW COULD IT MAKE

SENSE IF YOU HAVEN'T READ THE COUNTERLIFE?

EXACTLY!

IF YOU HAVEN'T READ THE COUNTERLIFE, AND YOU'VE

JUST READ THE FIRST THIRTY PAGES

OF WHEN SHE WAS GOOD.

I MEAN, THE WHOLE WHEN SHE WAS GOOD.

NO, I KNOW YOU READ IT.

I BELIEVE YOU. -NO, YOU DIDN'T.

-DID YOU LIKE IT? -I, UM...

IT'S NOT MY FAVORITE BOOK -GOOD QUESTION.

-THAT I'VE EVER... -I MEAN, YOU KIND OF...

THAT'S KIND OF A WEIRD ONE. -

HOW MANY PAGES WERE THERE, BY THE WAY?

-I DON'T REMEMBER. -I DON'T SHARE THE OPINION.

-REALLY, YOU DON'T REMEMBER? -NO.

-I LIKE PHILIP ROTH A LITTLE BIT MORE THAN HER.

-THAT'S ALL RIGHT. -YOU DO. YOU'RE A FAN.

YOU'RE A GENUINE FAN. -AND I'VE READ...

I'VE READ A BIT MORE.

I'VE READ A LITTLE BIT MORE.

-DID THEY TELL YOU WHERE THEY WERE LEAVING THE KEY?

THEY SAID THEY WOULD LEAVE IT

IN A WATERING CAN NEXT TO THE LOVE SEAT.

DOES THIS QUALIFY AS A LOVE SEAT?

UH HUH.

OKAY, IT'S NOT IN HERE.

BUT WHAT IS IN HERE IS THIS.

- I KNOW, IT'S SCARY.

WHAT IS THAT?

TOLD ME TO CHECK, UH, UNDER THE MAT.

UNDER THE MAT?

NOPE.

-WHAT ABOUT UP THERE, UNDER THE BRICK?

SCARED OF CREEPY CRAWLIES.

YOU KNOW HOW THEY HIDE, LIKE, UNDER THINGS?

-YEAH. GET USED TO IT. -

IT'S NOT UNDER THE BRICK.

TRY THE BIRDHOUSE.

-OKAY, WELL, I HAVEN'T EVEN, YOU KNOW, FINISHED UP HERE.

NOW, LOOK AT THAT.

HAVING SECOND THOUGHTS?

-UM, I JUST DON'T KNOW WHO WE'RE GOING

TO TALK TO AT NIGHT, WHAT WE'RE GOING TO DO.

YEAH, I KNOW.

WE COULD TALK TO EACH OTHER.

-DO YOU WANT TO CHECK OUT YOUR PROPERTY?

-WELL, YOU KNOW, I'M DEATHLY AFRAID THAT I'M GOING

TO FIND SOMETHING HERE,

BECAUSE SHE SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME WITH THAT.

YEAH, I KNOW.

-ALL THAT PANIC, AND THE BUMPER STICKER... YEAH.

ABOUT THE BUMPER STICKER.

THAT CRAZY BUMPER STICKER SHE DRIVES AROUND...

-TURN AROUND. -OKAY.

WHAT DOES IT SAY, AGAIN?

-IT SAYS LYME'S DISEASE, IT'S AN EPIDEMIC.

AND EPIDEMIC IS ALL, LIKE,

LIGHTNING BOLT LETTERS, YOU KNOW...

I LOVE THAT BUMPER STICKER.

YES, BUT I DON'T KNOW.

BECAUSE THEY LIKE "THE CREVICES."

TRAVIS?

TRAVIS?

TRAVIS, COME ON.

OKAY.

NO, NOTHING THERE.

GOT TO GET BEHIND THE EAR. - OKAY.

IN CASE THEY'RE BURIED.

NOPE. YOU'RE GOOD.

-SHUT UP. -OH MY GOD, YOU HAVE ONE.

-NO, I DON'T. -YOU DO.

YOU HAVE ONE. YOU HAVE ONE! -SHUT UP, REALLY?

YOU'RE LUCKY THAT I BROUGHT THAT SPECIAL TICK THING.

YOU MADE FUN OF ME, BUT I BROUGHT THAT TICK

THING AND NOW I'M GOING TO HAVE TO USE IT.

YEAH, YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE.

-YOU HAVE ONE. -NO.

REALLY? -YEAH.

-FUCK. -YOU HAVE ONE.

I'M KIDDING.

YOU STUPID...

STUPID, STUPID JOKES.

I'M GOING TO GET IN THE SHOWER.

TRAVIS, COME ON!

FUCK, I'VE...

EXCUSE ME?

EXCUSE ME.

HEY! -UH... OH, SHIT.

-HI. I'M SORRY. -YEAH, NO, I'M SO SORRY.

-NO, IT'S FINE, ARE YOU OKAY?

- TRAVIS ASKED ME TO KEEP SOME KEYS HERE.

I'M JUST HIS NEIGHBOR I'M SO SORRY, I'LL BE RIGHT...

ARE YOU SURE YOU HAVE THE RIGHT HOUSE? BECAUSE--

-YEAH, I'M JUST GOING TO BE... -I'M SO SORRY.

EXCUSE ME?

HI. IS THERE SOMETHING I CAN DO FOR YOU?

I'M JUST LOOKING FOR MY DAMN KEYS, IS ALL.

WHERE'S TRAVIS?

TRAVIS?

I DON'T... I DON'T KNOW. WHO'S TRAVIS?

WELL, THEN WHO ARE YOU?

I'M THE NEW SUB-LETTER.

-THEY DIDN'T TELL ME NOTHING ABOUT NO NEW SUB-LETTER.

-WELL, THAT'S WHO WE ARE. -THAT'S WHO WE ARE.

-I'M JUST GOING TO GRAB THESE KEYS.

I'LL MAKE A COPY OF THESE, BECAUSE I'M ALWAYS LOSING THEM.

UM, I'LL BRING THESE BACK, IF THAT'S OKAY.

Y'ALL ARE GOING TO BE HERE LATER TODAY?

UM, YEAH. WE'RE JUST...

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, COOL.

-Y'ALL FROM RICHMOND? -NO.

OH, ALL RIGHT.

TRAVIS HAS JUST GOT FAMILY THERE, IS WHY I WAS ASKING.

-COOL. -ALL RIGHT, WELL.

ACTUALLY, WHILE I'M HERE,

YOU GUYS GOT ANY BACON, OR, UM, ORANGE JUICE OR SOMETHING?

MY BLOOD SUGAR'S FEELING REALLY, REALLY LOW.

-WE DON'T HAVE ANYTHING. -ALL RIGHT, NO.

YOU GUYS DON'T EVEN GOT NO TOAST. UM, ALL RIGHT.

WELL, I'M JUST GOING TO GO TAKE CARE OF THIS.

BUT Y'ALL TAKE IT EASY, I'LL SEE YOU LATER, ALL RIGHT?

-OKAY. -ALL RIGHT, BYE.

SHE WAS ASLEEP ON THE LAWN.

-ON THE LAWN. -YEAH.

I WOKE HER UP.

IT'S OUR NEIGHBOR.

-GOOD MORNING. -GOOD MORNING.

HEY, Y'ALL.

HI.

-HEY. -HOW'S IT GOING?

-GOOD, HOW ARE YOU? -I'M GOOD.

HAMBURGER, COME OVER HERE, DON'T GO TOO FAR OUT.

BROUGHT YOU SOME STUFF.

GOT SOME BEER. YOU WANT A BEER?

NO, I'M OKAY. THANKS, THOUGH.

-ALL RIGHT, YOU THINK HE WANTS ONE? -MM-MM.

I GOT READING MATERIAL FOR US.

I DON'T KNOW, FIGURED YOU MIGHT

BE BORED OR SOMETHING, WANT SOMETHING TO READ.

WHY DON'T YOU TAKE THIS ONE? I ALREADY LOOKED AT IT.

-THANK YOU. -YOU'RE WELCOME.

WHAT ARE YOU READING NOW?

IT'S A GEORGES BATAILLE BOOK.

AH. COOL.

YOU LIKE CROSSWORD PUZZLES? -NO.

-YEAH. I DON'T EITHER, THAT MUCH.

BUT THERE'S THIS OTHER GAME,

THAT'S CALLED SUDOKU, YOU HEARD OF IT?

-YES. I KNOW SUDOKU. -I LIKE THAT ONE.

LIKE, IN GENERAL I'M BETTER WITH NUMBERS THAN WITH WORDS,

SO I PREFER THAT GAME.

BUT ALSO, WE KIND OF HAVE THIS COMPETITION GOING

AT WORK, LIKE, WE EACH MAKE COPIES OF THE DIFFERENT SUDOKUS