M*A*S*H

MAN (on P. A.): Attention, all personnel.

Corporal Stanley Salkowitz, acting camp librarian,

wishes to announce the delivery

of 100 copies of Rumpelstiltskin.

Another shipment of dirty books.

‐Clamp. ‐Clamp.

Come on. Points up! Get with it, will you?

This kid's spleen is full of lead from a claymore.

I'm sorry, Doctor.

What the hell's wrong with you?

Three mistakes on one spleen.

‐More suction. ‐Right.

I'm just so nervous about Colonel Reese coming.

Oh, don't tell me. What is he,

another root canal wizard from Passaic?

It's a she. A very important nurse.

The most decorated nurse in the army.

Great. We can put our Christmas presents under her.

Major, go roll some bandages.

‐Baker, take over here, will you? ‐Yes, sir.

‐Wait a minute! ‐Come on.

Go ahead. Go ahead. I'll see you later.

I smell nurse burning.

Yeah. Give her a rabies shot before she bites somebody.

Give me a clamp.

Very good.

If you can't keep your mind on your job, Major ma'am,

then stay out of the O. R.

Major Burns, make him stop!

Pierce, as your superior officer,

I order you to cease this harassing.

Watch your language, Frank.

You stay out of this, Keed.

I can't allow dirty language in front of Captain Pierce.

I promised his mother.

I know my job!

I didn't get to be major by just sitting on my duff.

Well, somebody did.

Just what did you mean by that?

I demand satisfaction.

Tired lately, Frank?

Major Burns, he has insulted me time and time again.

Aren't you going to do anything?

Well, like what?

Like something official or what?

Do something, Major.

My honor is in your hands.

McIntyre, step aside.

Major Houlihan, I'm, uh, sorry

you have to see this.

Get your dirty hands off me!

Frank, I just washed 'em.

Captain Pierce,

I accuse you of striking a superior officer,

a court martial offense under the Articles of War,

and I have two witnesses.

I didn't see anything. Did you?

My back was turned. Ba‐dum‐bump.

Case dismissed.

I'm a witness!

Oh, Frank.

I better see a doctor.

Is there anybody who isn't mad at me?

Why don't you forget the whole thing?

I mean, it was just a little squabble.

He struck a superior offiicer!

Look, Frank, we're all a bundle of nerves.

What the heck. I yell at Radar all the time.

I know you love me, sir.

I mean, the war's makin' us all buggy, Frank.

I've had my underwear on backwards for a month.

Now come on.

Pierce will apologize. Won't you, Pierce?

I apologize.

There you go. That's a good Indian.

It's settled. Let's see.

I gotta order glazed fruit for Christmas.

Apology refused.

I want him court‐martialed!

Well‐‐ Now, come on. Let's just be buddies.

I'll tell you what.

Now, you can borrow my jeep,

go into town and see the cock fights.

I can't stand to see a chicken cry.

Court martial.

Aw, Jiminy Crickets, Frank!

Do you know what has to be done

to court martial somebody?

I mean, the‐the paperwork?

"Pending the completion of the preliminary investigation

"by the C. O., the accused officer

is relieved of duty and placed under house arrest."

He can't leave his tent.

You mean I just get to stay in and sleep

and eat meals and read?

Yes, sir.

Take me, I'm yours. I surrender.

And I'll fight to the death any chance to set me free.

You think it's funny now, but what are you gonna do

during your five years in Leavenworth?

I don't know. Maybe I'll get married.

‐Radar? ‐Yes, sir?

Get out.

Colonel Reese, Major Houlihan.

They haven't lubed this clunker

since Pershing was a pup.

Ah... Colonel Blake would have been here himself to greet you,

but he's involved with a court martial

and some glazed fruit.

Glazed fruit? That'll tear your partial.

I'll have an enlisted man get your bag.

Ah, it's light.

All I got in here is fatigues, skivvies,

and an extra garter belt

in case you guys have a dance.

You'll be staying in my tent.

Oh, fair enough.

M.P.s? Is that where you keep the payroll?

Mission accomplished. Take me home.

Oh, a stranger in town.

Don't talk to me. I'm bad.

Pick me up at 8:00.

I'll be dining at Sardi's tonight.

What'll I wear? What'll I wear?

See that my bathrobe is back from the cleaners in time.

Pretty cute. Who is he?

Captain Pierce.

He's under house arrest awaiting court martial.

Grabbed a nurse and jumped her bones, right?

‐Oh, no. ‐Pity.

Ahem.

Colonel Reese, Major Burns.

Uh, welcome to the MASH 4077th, Colonel.

A little number 3 pancake will take care of that.

That would be your bed there, ma'am.

Oh, thank you.

Uh, Major Houlihan, um, can I see you outside?

Camp business, uh, for your ears only.

Just go ahead. I wanna massage my gums.

Why does she have to bunk with you?

Because it's the only space in officers' country.

Well, how can we be alone?

We can't.

Margaret, I need our togetherness.

Without it, I'm desolate.

I miss our spiritual oneness,

the blessed union of our souls.

And I'll break out.

It'll only be for a few days.

It'll be an eternity.

Be patient. Write me a nice poem.

It's not the same.

My gums are singing!

Oh, I believe very strongly in oral hygiene.

Your gums are the best friends your teeth have.

‐Now then, tell me about that doll. ‐Ma'am?

The sheik who was just in here. Major What's‐his‐name.

Uh, Burns.

‐Married? ‐In a way.

Uh‐huh. You and he playing doctor?

No!

Well, he's a very...

shy, serious...

uh, responsible person.

Listen, honey, take it from an old campaigner.

It's those dumb‐lookin' quiet ones

with the clenched teeth that really go.

And then I said to everybody,

"Watch out for that bar of soap.

Look out for that bar of soap, everybody."

I specifically told Major Burns

that a bar of soap on the floor

can be very slippery.

Frank says Pierce hit him.

Oh, no, no, Henry.

When Frank fell on the soap,

Hawkeye tried to break his fall.

By jamming his fist in Frank's eye?

Radar, I lengthened your pants three inches.

Not now.

Why'd you want your pants three inches longer?

Later!

Okay, okay, but this is the last time I deliver.

Klinger, it's 4:00 in the afternoon,

and you're still in a housecoat?

Put on a dress.

You never know who might be coming around.

Yes, sir.

Boy, oh, boy.

You gotta stay on top of these guys every second.

All right, go ahead, McIntyre.

Now, you said you warned Frank about the, uh‐‐

Hey, why did you have your pants lengthened three inches?

They were chafing, sir.

I can let you have some baby powder.

I'd rather let my pants down, sir.

Hey, let's just wrap this up, huh?

All right, now how did Frank get the black eye?

When he fell, he hit the sink.

‐Whammo! ‐Right!