M*A*S*H

Brett, have you seen these orders?

That's the young fellow we had in here.

Yeah, we've been hearing about that for weeks now.

So how are you feeling?

Great. How are you?

You look a little thin, don't you?

How have you been sleeping?

On my back.

The bed is terrible here.

You can feel the springs right through the mattress.

Mm‐hmm.

Yesterday you were going to tell me

about that day at the beach.

It was great. Very hot.

A lot of people say too much sun is no good for you.

And, you know, carcinomas can result from that.

This, of course, would concern me as a physician.

I'd like to get back to the beach.

Hey, go ahead. Take the rest of the day off.

What happened that day?

You know, I really should be allowed to go home!

I‐‐ There's nothing wrong with me.

What was it like at the beach?

It was great. It was the 4th of July.

‐(voices clamoring) ‐There was a lot of fighting going on,

but it was way over at Kumsong,

so Colonel Potter gave most of us the day off.

We went to a cove north of Inchon,

I got it!

Klinger!

MAN (on radio):

‐(groaning) ‐(cheering)

Not fair, fella! That's against the rules!

We had a great time, and we went home.

What was that like?

Going home?

Hilarious. Amusing.

Genial. Joyful. Raucous. Funny.

What happened?

It was great. We were laughing and singing.

We passed a bottle around.

Can we please have that bottle back here?

So you had a great time on the bus.

And so we had a great time on the bus.

And so we enjoyed ourselves.

And so and so and so and so and so and so and so.

I'm not, however, having a great time here.

First place, I don't like the color of there walls,

if you can call that a color.

I don't know what's on those walls,

but I think it the fan first

‐(knocking) ‐Come in.

There's a phone call for Captain Pierce.

Good time as any for a break.

Yeah. Let's knock off till Christmas.

Rooms may not be much here, but they got a great bellhop.

‐There you go. ‐Thank you.

"Yello." Snake pit. We never close.

Hawk, it's B. J.! How you doin'?

How the hell do you think I'm doing?

I've been locked up for the last week in a wackateria.

Well, listen, Sidney's the doctor.

You want a laugh? He says you're the doctor.

I'm the doctor! I sew people back together.

Why is he keeping a brilliant surgeon locked up?

I mean, what's behind that?

Uh, look, um, Father Mulcahy would like to say hello.

Hello, Hawkeye.

Need anything? Can we send anything down to you?

Yeah. How about a Band‐Aid for my finger?

I got a blister from going (burbling)

Uh, yes, well, I'll see what I can do.

Uh, uh, perhaps, uh, Colonel Potter, uh,

uh, could, uh,

uh, hmm.

Pierce, we miss you here.

I miss me there, too.

It's lonely here, especially at night.

I do hear the guy in the next room. He cries all night.

Uh, so, uh...

Oh, listen, have you heard the latest?

The truce talks are on again.

‐Yeah? ‐They must be serious

about peace this time

because the fighting's gotten a lot worse.

They're trying to grab more real estate

before they sign, you know.

Lots of casualties.

Yeah, well, just remember. Every day

you let them keep your best surgeon from you,

you're killing patients.

Uh, uh, Pierce,

Margaret won't rest till I put her on the phone.

Now, you just hold on there.

Hawkeye?

"Thpeaking."

No. You'll be great.

How do you feel?

Like a hostage. How about you?

Oh, same old stuff.

This and that, ups and downs. Uh, what can I say?

Well, that pretty much covers it. Nice talking to you.

Oh, it was great talking to you!

You just take care of yourself, okay?

Mmm.

Klinger wants to say hello!

What do you say, Captain?

Hello, Klinger.

Hey, you sound perfectly normal to me.

How is it there? You crazy about the place?

Oh, he loves it!

He loves it.

Can you believe that Syngman Rhee?

We almost got peace, and he wants to keep fighting.

‐(whispering) No, no, no. ‐This could go on forever!

Uh, Pierce? Hello. It's me again.

Don't listen to him. Peace is right around the corner.

We're all making plans for home. Isn't that right?

I can't wait to get back to the States

and work in a real hospital

with sanitary conditions and regular shifts

and plain old ordinary diseases.

B.J. says he's gonna make a ring

out of his first kidney stone.

Ah.

You just take care of We all miss you here.

Then get me out.

Well, he didn't sound too bad.

He was more relaxed than I was.

You got to know how to handle people like that.

Hunnicutt!

I've had a lot of experience with mental illness.

One of the guys I grew up with back in Toledo, Eddie Fahey.

Crazy as a fruitcake. Potter.

He ran into a light post.

Ended up with a steel plate in his skull.

You know those little black and white Scottie dogs

with the magnets in 'em?

He used to wear one on his forehead.

‐Houlihan. ‐Klinger.

We gotta do something about these refugees.

We're not zoned for this.

Have a detail build a pen for those animals

back behind Rosie's.

Hi. Can I take a look at you?

Colonel, does that look like pellagra to you?

Sure could be. Let's line them up for physicals.

‐Klinger, we gotta take‐‐ ‐Got it, sir.

We'll use the VIP tent.

Just a second. Soon‐Lee!

Soon‐Lee, will you tell all these people

the doctor wants to examine them, make sure they're okay?

Uh, yes. (speaks Korean)

What's the latest count, Sergeant?

Sir, we got 10 new P.O.W.s in this morning.

It's getting pretty crowded in there.

We'll have to let out the seams on that barbed wire.

I'll check these guys after I look at the refugees.

We better get peace fast.

Sneaking up on it like this is killin' us.

Well, you know how armies are try to take their war away.

Sergeant, give these men more blankets, extra rations,

and another latrine trench.

Not necessarily in that order.

I'll be back. South Korea's in my waiting room.

Oh! Wonderful!

‐Charles! Charles! ‐Huh.

I just got the most wonderful letter from my father.

‐How nice. ‐He doesn't think

I should go back to the States after the war.

‐Doesn't he? ‐He's been talking

to some of his friends in the army,

and he's arranged to have me assigned

to an administrative post in Tokyo!

Of course, I'd be out of nursing,

but he says it's the best way to get promoted!

Incredible news. I am tickled pink.

Now if you'll excuse me.

Well, excuse me for bothering you.

I'm just trying to work out my future.

You have your life all mapped out.

Oh, do I? It so happens

I've heard from a friend in Boston who informs me

that my application to be chief of thoracic surgery

at Boston Mercy may be turned down.

That's terrible. Why?

Because while I have been sharpening

my surgical skills here in Korea,

a certain incompetent has been sharpening

his political skills in Boston.

And he's slithering in ahead of me.

Charles, I can't believe you won't get it.

Well, I wish I could share your optimism, Margaret,

but right now, I have a hundred Boy Scouts tying knots in my colon.

Every hour on the hour, I receive the siren call from the latrine.

The last hour just about up.

If you will excuse me now.