Mother's Day

Ah, Mother's Day.

Paige, come on, honey, you have to go to school.

I love being a mother.

But what about the other 364 days of the year?

When you're trying to get your kid to school

and you're surviving on very little sleep

because you're up all night sewing costumes for the school play

and you've still got to go to work in the morning.

Go.

It's about the never-ending driving

to soccer, gymnastics, or ballet.

It's about getting your kids to look up from their computer

or iPad or iPod or iPhone or whatever "I" they're looking at.

Paige, wait, honey, your banana, hold on, hold on!

It's okay, honey, just eat the peach.

Eat the peach, it's fine.

In other words, it's about being a...

Mom! Mom!

Mom!

Peter...

Wait, wait, wait... breathe, slow down, slow down,

breathe, hold on.

There you go. See?

Now tell me what happened.

Peter left the top of the ant farm open.

All the ants are gone, even the big red one.

Oh, why? Why did I buy this for you guys?

I swear, I don't...

Hey, hey, hey, Peter, where did that come from?

You know no junk food for breakfast anymore.

Dad brought them. He lets us.

He also lets you go to school without any underwear.

It's called free-balling, Mom.

I swear. Where are all of these ants?

It happened in the backyard.

God. Peter, I'm not kidding. I'm counting to three.

One, two...

Three.

What? When did that stop working?

Come on, I brought a box of donuts.

It's not a federal offense,

but I will take credit for the underwear.

Good morning. Hello.

Did you look this good when we were married?

No, I actually got better.

When did you get in here? I didn't even hear you come in.

Came in through the back door.

I mean, we don't want the neighbors talking, do we?

Hmm. Are you hungry?

Mmm.

Here, have a donut.

Your parents are divorced, right?

Oh, trust me, there's weirdness.

So, Peter, you decided to invite your friends over

at 7:45 in the morning?

Hi.

We're meeting here for the carpool today.

- And the donuts. - At my request.

All right, you little hooligans, let's go, time for school.

Load up.

Please, you cannot bring this stuff into the house anymore.

Yeah, but, uh, seriously, could we have a conversation later?

There's something important I need to talk to you about.

Sure, okay.

Okay.

Telephone.

Hey, Jess.

I ate a whole coffee cake last night.

Pilates?

No, I can't. I have way too much work.

But I've got to tell you, the strangest thing just happened.

What?

I think I just caught Henry totally checking me out,

like twice.

Was it like a long stare or a gawk?

Jesse, you've got to see this!

I'm going to say like a gawk.

What does that mean?

I have no idea, but he said he wants to sit down with me later

and talk about something important.

What if he wants to get back together?

What? No. No way.

I'm coming, I'm coming.

That is so not happening.

Why not? Jesse.

You are the happiest divorced couple I've ever met.

I mean, maybe he's figured you're the one.

Max, get ready, my sister's coming.

No, no, no, no, no, no, there's no way.

That's not going to... It's been years, it's all fine and...

You don't really... Really, you think it might be?

Do you think? Here's what I'm wondering.

If you guys get remarried, does it mean the ring has to be bigger?

I'm saying yes.

Okay, you just keep thinking all of those

wonderfully deep thoughts, okay?

I'll talk to you later.

Okay.

Presenting our float for the Mother's Day parade.

Oh!

Wow!

Do you love it? What is it?

Womb. It's a womb.

Of course.

It's a womb float.

Amazing. And so, the tube?

The umbilical cord.

It's symbolic that we all come from the same place,

gay, straight, transgender, black, white, purple, you know.

Awesome.

I love it.

You're going to kill it at the Mother's Day parade.

Seriously, they're not going to know what to do with it.

You haven't seen the best part.

Oh, look at that! I delivered a child for the second time.

Wow! It's a boy.

You've lost your mind.

I'm going to go work out. I'll be right over here.

You good?

All good, Val.

Hey, Zack.

Another week, you won't need the tray.

Another week, and you and Kristin will be doing my shift.

Hey, Val.

Hey, Kristin. Hey.

Hi, Daddy!

Ooh.

No, no, no, we sanitize.

I literally just washed my hands.

Doesn't matter.

I could always wear a hazmat suit.

I'd love that.

The baby books call that being a helicopter mom.

You know, always hovering.

Yeah, I've been called them all,

and it doesn't faze me one bit.

Milk bottles for tonight.

Can you put those in the fridge for me, please?

Um, that may not work.

I just found out...

Hey, Zack, can I get two more?

Yep, on the way. Beanzie?

I got accepted into the Buckhead Standup Comedy Contest.

First round's tonight, three rounds,

first prize is 5 grand.

Babe, that would take my overall earnings as a comic to,

well, 5 grand.

Just getting accepted into the contest is a big deal.

Yeah, of course, I will figure something out with Katie.

Don't worry. Just go make 'em laugh.

I'm not paying you to reproduce again.

Sorry, boss.

But don't mind me, I'm just the owner.

Vicky, don't kick the ball in here.

Okay, okay.

Thank you.

Can't believe it's already been a year.

This will be our first one without her.

I miss her.

Me, too.

Who's that?

Just a friend, wondering if I'll be

at the mall today after school.

I've got to answer him.

Is this "him" your, uh, boyfriend?

Dad, stop. Please.

What? Oh, my God.

Seems like a reasonable question

for a father to ask his daughter.

Hey, Vicky, you know, we should go.

We're going to be late for school,

and you, don't be late for soccer practice this time.

I won't.

Mom was never late for practice.

No, she wasn't.

Can I drive?

Absolutely not.

No, look, we're all going to end up in a place like this someday.

All right? I don't want to rush it.

What?

That was just like the old Dad, making jokes.

Yeah, I guess.

So, listen, Dad.

After I get my license, could I maybe, you know,

drive Mom's Volkswagen?

No, no, no, I'm going to sell it. I told you that.

Come on, Dad. Pretty please?

It's literally just sitting in the garage.

Absolutely not.

Well, thanks for thinking that over. Great.

I'm Adam Freeman.

Thanks for joining me here on HSN from our headquarters

in St. Petersburg, Florida.

Right now, I would like to send it over to Atlanta, Georgia,

where the very lovely Miranda Collins is on her book tour.

Hello, Adam.

Hello, Atlanta.

Hello, viewers.

So, Mother's Day is getting so close,

and we have these gorgeous crystal mood pendants.