Parks and Recreation

- GOOD MORNING. - WHOO!

SWISS FAMILY RON-BINSON-- THAT HAT IS DOPE.

THANKS, TOM.

- YOU MIND IF I ROCK THAT BAD LARRY ON MY DOME?

WEAR IT, ON MY HEAD?

TRY IT ON THE LADIES?

BE MY GUEST.

- HI. I'M TOM. I HAVE A RACCOON ON MY HEAD.

UH...

EXCUSE ME, MY FRIEND OVER HERE WAS DIGGING THROUGH YOUR TRASH,

AND I THINK WE MAY HAVE A LOT IN COMMON.

I'M TOM. WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE A MOVIE SOMETIME?

ARE YOU A RACCOON?

BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN RUNNING AROUND MY HAT ALL DA--

HEAD ALL DAY.

GIRL, YOU'RE MORE PRECIOUS THAN PRECIOUS.

UH-UH.

- NICE HAT. WANT TO BONE?

THAT'S YOU TALKING TO ME.

NO.

HOW ABOUT...

"YES, I AM A HUNTER, AND IT'S YOU SEASON"?

WHOA!

THAT'S GREAT. I GOT TO GET BACK OUT THERE.

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY--

ANIMAL ON THE HEAD,

MANIMAL IN THE BED.

DAMN, GIRL, YOUR HOTNESS KILLED MY RACCOON.

I HAVE A RACCOON HAT. I'M AN INTERESTING PERSON.

HELLO.

ANY LUCK?

NO.

DIDN'T WORK OUT AS WELL AS I THOUGHT IT WOULD.

- WELL, BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME.

- I TRIED. IT JUST DIDN'T SEEM LIKE--

WOW, I LOVE THAT HAT.

THANK YOU, MA'AM.

*

- HEY, RON, I HAVE A SURPRISE FOR YOU.

MEET ME AT HARVEY JAMES PARK 30.

- WHY? - IT'S A SURPRISE.

WHAT'S THE SURPRISE?

- IF I TOLD YOU, IT WOULD RUIN THE SURPRISE.

- WHAT'S THE SURPRISE IT WOULD RUIN?

I CANNOT TELL YOU THAT.

- LESLIE, MY FIRST WIFE, TAMMY,

TRIED THROWING ME A SURPRISE BIRTHDAY PARTY.

WHEN I SAW MY FRIENDS HIDING THROUGH THE WINDOW,

I DROVE TO A GAS STATION, CALLED THE COPS,

AND TOLD THEM PEOPLE HAD BROKEN INTO MY HOME.

NOT BIG ON SURPRISES.

- OKAY, BUT YOU'RE GONNA LIKE THIS ONE.

- WHAT IS IT? - I'M NOT TELLING YOU.

AND I'M NOT GONNA TELL ANYBODY.

OKAY, I'LL TELL YOU.

WE'RE PUTTING TOGETHER

THE PARKS DEPARTMENT SUMMER CATALOG,

AND THE BIG SURPRISE IS I AM GOING TO REUNITE

ALL THE LIVING, FORMER PARKS DIRECTORS AT A PICNIC,

RECORD THE WHOLE THING,

AND THEN WRITE ABOUT IT IN THE WELCOME LETTER.

IT'S THE BIGGEST CATALOG OF THE YEAR.

THINK OF THE SEPTEMBER ISSUE OF VOGUE,

BUT IT'S MORE IMPORTANT TO PAWNEE,

MAINLY BECAUSE WE DON'T GET VOGUE HERE.

I'M GONNA MOVE THIS YEARNING AD TO THE CENTERFOLD.

- CENTERFOLD? ALWAYS THE BEST PART.

AM I RIGHT, JUSTIN?

DAMN. YOU BROKE UP SIX WEEKS AGO.

- YEAH. JERRY, I NEED TO SEE YOUR SOFTBALL PICTURES.

HERE YOU GO, CHIEF.

- WOW. GOOD JOB. NICE WORK.

- WAIT A MINUTE. ISN'T THAT THAT CREEPY GUY?

MORGAN, THE PEDOPHILE?

YEAH, IT IS.

- COME ON, I DIDN'T KNOW THAT. HE SEEMED OKAY.

WE HAD DINNER TOGETHER.

- GUYS, I DON'T KNOW IF I MADE IT CLEAR,

BUT I DON'T WANT ANY SEX OFFENDERS

IN OUR PARKS CATALOG.

- OKAY, I WILL PHOTOSHOP HIS FACE.

- CAN YOU PHOTOSHOP YOUR LIFE WITH BETTER DECISIONS, JERRY?

OKAY, APRIL, ENOUGH.

COVER PHOTO-- TOM, YOU'RE UP.

THIS CATALOG

IS BASICALLY LIKE AN AD FOR THE PARKS DEPARTMENT,

AND I LOVE ADS.

I LOVE MAGAZINE ADS FOR FLAVORED VODKAS,

BILLBOARDS FOR DESIGNER JEANS.

I TiVo THROUGH SHOWS TO GET TO THE ADS.

I LOVE ADS.

WHAT ARE WE TRYING TO DO WITH THIS CATALOG?

WE'RE TRYING TO SELL PAWNEE ON OUR SUMMER CLASSES.

HOW DO WE DO THAT?

WITH ONE PERFECT, CAPTIVATING IMAGE.

APRIL.

MODERN LIFE.

WHERE ARE WE RUNNING?

SOMETIMES WHAT WE WANT IS NOT ALWAYS WHERE WE ARE.

NEXT SLIDE.

ARE WE ALONE?

IS THE REAL WINTER INSIDE OUR HEARTS?

WE'RE ALL STRUGGLING FOR DEFINITION

IN A WORLD THAT RESISTS OUR INQUIRIES.

- OKAY, THIS ISN'T GONNA WORK FOR A NUMBER OF REASONS.

ONE-- THIS IS A SUMMER CATALOG,

TWO--THAT WAS COMPLETE GIBBERISH,

AND THREE--THAT CHILD LOOKS LIKE IT'S ABANDONED,

SO BASICALLY, BOO.

NEXT SLIDE.

OH, GOD.

WEIRD. HOW DID THAT...?

UM, THAT'S A PERSONAL PHOTO.

THAT'S--

SHOULDN'T BE-- IT MUST'VE...

YOU KNOW, I GOT TO SAY,

I THINK THAT COULD ACTUALLY WORK AS OUR COVER PHOTO.

I'M COOL WITH IT IF YOU GUYS ARE.

IT'S A HIGH-RES PHOTO.

- I DON'T KNOW IF I HAVE TIME FOR THIS, GUYS,

SO LET'S JUST PICK A GOOD PHOTO, OKAY?

WHAT DO YOU WANT, LESLIE?

A PICTURE OF PARENTS PUSHING A KID ON A SWING?

- YEAH, EXACTLY. GET ME THAT.

OKAY, I GOT TO GO.

WHAT IS HE THINKING?

"WHY IS MY CUP SO TINY?"

- HEY. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- HAPPY SIX-MONTH ANNIVERSARY.

I GOT YOU A GIFT.

UH, IT'S A CHICKEN-SALAD SANDWICH.

AND I DON'T WANT YOU TO FEEL BAD ABOUT NOT GETTING ME ANYTHING,

BECAUSE I NEVER EXP--

SWISS ARMY WATCH, MOFO.

WELL DONE, PERKINS.

WOW. - YOU LIKE IT?

- THANK YOU SO MUCH. IT'S SO NICE.

ARE YOU-- ARE YOU ALLOWED TO KISS ME

IN A--IN A HOSPITAL ROOM?

- OH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. HE'S DEAD.

OH, MY GOD.

- OH, NO, I'M JUST KIDDING. HE'S SLEEPING.

OH, OKAY.

YEAH, OUR RELATIONSHIP IS GOING WELL,

REALLY WELL.

THAT GUY REALLY SEEMED DEAD.

NICE!

HERE, CATCH THIS.

YOU GOT ME IN THE FACE.

OH. THAT ONE HURT.

YOU HAVE A GOOD ARM.

- I KNOW. I USED TO PLAY SOFTBALL IN HIGH SCHOOL.

- SHUT UP. I PLAYED BASEBALL IN HIGH SCHOOL.

SHUT UP.

- YEAH, THAT'S, LIKE, THE BOY VERSION OF SOFTBALL.

- GUYS, DON'T PLAY WITH THE FOOD, OKAY?

WE NEED THIS FOR THE PICNIC.

WE HAVE EVERYTHING? - YES, MA'AM.

THREE PICNIC BASKETS, ASSORTED CHEESES, GRAPES, WINE.

SMOKED SALMON?

- APRIL THREW THE SMOKED SALMON ON THE ROOF.

I'M SORRY.

WHERE'S LESLIE?

SHE JUST TEXTED ME FROM YOUR PHONE

AND SAID SHE LEFT HER PHONE AT HOME

AND THAT I SHOULD COME HERE IMMEDIATELY,

AND WHY DID I BELIEVE THAT?

MAYBE IN YOUR HEART, YOU KNEW IT WAS FROM ME,

BUT YOU CAME ANYWAY.

NOPE.

- TOM, WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP TEXTING ME

THAT YOU'RE HAVING A CITY-PLANNING EMERGENCY.

THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A CITY-PLANNING EMERGENCY.

- HI, THERE. - HI.

LOOK AT YOU TWO.

ANN PERKINS, MARK BRENDANAWICZ.

ANN-DANAWICZ...

OR MERKINS.

NO, ANN-DANAWICZ.

YOU TWO SHOULD BE MODELS--

MAYBE ON THE COVER

OF THE PARKS DEPARTMENT SUMMER CATALOG?

- THAT'S NOT THE REASON YOU CALLED ME IN HERE, RIGHT?

'CAUSE I JUST FINISHED A 12-HOUR SHIFT.

IF THAT'S THE REASON--

- COME ON, ANN. IT'D BE A HUGE FAVOR FOR LESLIE.

YOU KNOW HOW IMPORTANT THIS IS TO HER.

- WELL, I AM IN. - DUDE.

I AM.

WE DON'T HAVE ANY PICTURES

OF JUST THE TWO OF US.

PLUS, I'VE ALWAYS SAID

WE SHOULD GO ON MORE DATES WITH TOM.

YEAH, YOU HAVE,

AND THANK GOD AN OPPORTUNITY PRESENTED ITSELF.

SEE, WIN-WIN.

- NOW, ANN, YOU'RE GONNA CHANGE, RIGHT?

I G--I GUESS.

- AND WOULD IT KILL YOU TO MAYBE PUT ON SOME LIPSTICK?

DO YOU EVEN OWN LIPSTICK?