Two and a Half Men

: Want to hear a great band?

Sure.

They're called Bucket of Hate.

Oh!

What do you think?

Nice...

beat.

Oh, oh, my goodness!

Quite a mouth on this fella.

Guess that's why they're not called

Bucket of Bunnies, huh?

Who's he listening to?

Bucket of Hate.

They're good. Reminds me of early Who.

Who? Yeah.

What? Band's called Who.

Bucket of Hate.

And I work for your family.

Boy...

I never knew there were so many rhymes for "suicide."

Yeah, what's patricide?

It means to honor thy father.

Oh, well, then that song doesn't make sense.

Yeah, well, I'm still trying to figure out

what a su-su-sudio is.

So, BOH is playing

at the Santa Monica Civic Center next weekend.

Cool.

My friend Seth Friedman

got tickets-- can I go?

How are you gonna get there?

Car.

Thank you.

Whose car?

Seth's brother.

He's 17 and he's never been in an accident that was his fault.

I don't think so.

Why not?

Why don't I think it's appropriate

for a 13-year-old to go to a rock concert

with no adult supervision?

I told you, Rocco's 17.

His name is Rocco? Yeah.

So... "Rocco Friedman"?

Yeah, You know him?

No, but I'm not letting someone named "Rocco Friedman"

drive you to a Bucket of Hate concert.

That's it? Just no?

Oh, I'm sorry. No way in hell.

Oh, man.

What's going on?

My dad sucks!

You know, in certain primitive cultures

when a boy hits puberty, they tie him

to a big rock and throw him in the ocean.

No, they don't.

Okay, but you can't argue with the logic.

No, I can't.

Here-- your girlfriend's in the paper.

Really? What for?

She's being honored

by the Southern California Trial Lawyers Association.

Huh.

Judge of the Year.

Yeah, I guess it's time

to get out the old tux for the banquet, huh?

What banquet?

The one at the Beverly Hilton next Saturday.

Oh, right.

Yeah, I don't think I'm going to that.

Why not?

Well, you know, I hate the whole dog and pony show.

Getting dressed up, boring speeches, rubber chicken...

She didn't invite you, did she?

Didn't even mention it.

Huh.

That's got to sting.

You know, I agree with Jake.

You do suck.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

Mm, God, Charlie, you are great.

Aw, no.

I'm serious.

You are the best lover I've ever had.

It's probably just the flawless technique

and the big penis.

Probably.

I was wondering-- you got any plans next Saturday?

Next Saturday?

Oh, as a matter of fact I do.

Oh, what might they be?

The plans?

Just some business thing.

Very boring.

Business? Yeah. Business.

Might this be the business you're speaking of?

Dilbert?

This?

Oh, that.

Oh, um, I can explain.

I would love an explanation.

Well, I just thought it wouldn't be your kind of thing.

You know, it's just judges, lawyers, local politicians.

Are you going with somebody else?

No.

So you'd rather go alone than take me?

Um, I know it seems that way...

You're ashamed of me, aren't you?

Oh, no, Charlie.

I mean, sure you can use me for sex,

but God forbid we're out in public together.

That is not true.

And let me remind you--

it's the best sex you've ever had.

Charlie... Your words, not mine.

Look, the last thing in the world I want to do

is hurt your feelings.

Well, you have.

Would you like to go with me to the banquet?

No, I don't want to go where I'm not wanted.

What do you want me to do, beg?

A little, yeah.

Please come with me to the banquet.

A little more.

Pretty please.

Come with me.

All right...

but then we gotta talk about this banquet thing.

* Men.

Jake, do you want Grandmommy

to teach you how to use chopsticks?

Don't confuse him.

He just learned how to use a fork.

Real funny, Alan.

Alan? What happened to Dad?

He turned into Benito Mussoroni.

The San Francisco treat?

It's Mussolini, Professor.

He's just upset because I won't let him go to a concert tonight.

Why not?

Because there's no adult supervision.

Oh, don't be such a fuddy-duddy, Alan.

He's a teenager.

Teenagers don't go to concerts with their parents.

I'm with Evelyn on this.

Forget it.

You're not going to the concert.

Oh, listen to you.

Remember when I said you couldn't go

to that Peter Frampton concert?

You just snuck out

of the house and went anyway.

Really?

Mom, no.

I was in Martinique at the time,

but the housekeeper was beside herself.

And-And-And I was severely punished for that, right?

Oh, sure, I tried grounding you and taking away TV privileges.

But at a certain point every parent has to accept

that they're powerless

when it comes to controlling a teenager.

Really?

No, no, not really.

Parents are powerful-- very powerful.

No, no... (snorting)

Trust me, I'm only doing this for your own good.

What the hell was that?

The same thing Grandma did.

No, it's not. You sound like you're coughing up a furball.

Yeah, well, I'm making the same point.

Did it even occur to you that you could help me with this?

I was not put on this Earth to help you, Alan.

You're my mother!

Yes, and as you never tire of pointing out, not a good one.

Hey, Alan, do we have any snack bars?

Right-hand cabinet. Why?

I need something to soak up the booze

I'll have to drink to make it through this dinner.

What's the occasion?

My girlfriend is being honored at a banquet tonight.

Oh, I thought the Adult Film Awards were in Vegas.

She happens to be a judge.

Of the Adult Film Awards?

No, no, a judge in the Los Angeles Municipal Court.

So, do I look okay?

It's a tuxedo. You can't go wrong.

Well, I want to fit in.

This is a very conservative crowd.

Oh, well, then you can go wrong.

Thanks. Like I'm not nervous enough?

Oh, sweetheart, if you're nervous, just try one of these.

It'll relax you.

Oh, perfect.

Charlie, you just can't pop a pill without knowing what it is.