Mike & Molly

I'm not going to make it over tonight, sweetie.

Yeah, I got to pull another double shift.

The snowstorm's left us shorthanded,

and somebody's got to keep the city

from crumbling into anarchy and mob rule.

Hand me the pringles.

No, no. The ranch.

I'll see you tomorrow when I get off of work.

I love you, too.

Poor thing. She really misses me.

Well, life with a police officer is a life of sacrifice.

That's why I've chosen not to enter into a relationship.

Isn't fair to the woman.

I see. It's got nothing to do

with her being unwilling to climb in your window

after your grandma falls asleep.

Hey, if a woman's not willing to shimmy up a drainpipe

to get a little taste of Carl McMillan,

then she's too full of herself, anyway.

You know what?

If we're going to be here for a while,

I'm going to kick my shoes off.

Uh-uh. Leave those nasty things on.

I don't want to be breathing your stanky foot funk.

Hey, my socks got soaking wet

pushing that car out of the ditch,

and I don't want to catch a cold.

So you're going to air 'em out over the heating vents?

You might as well just stick your toes in my nostrils.

And besides, I told you to wear your galoshes today.

I don't like the galoshes.

They compromise the dignity of the uniform.

Right. Kind of like that big glob of pickle relish

you got on your badge.

It's salsa.

Regardless, I'd prefer you to leave your shoes on.

It's bad enough to be smelling

your breath, armpits and backside.

We don't need to be adding the smell of your feet

and my vomit to the mix.

I hate to tell you this, but after a double shift,

you're not exactly a romp in a flowery meadow.

Hey, every time we've stopped for coffee,

I have brushed my teeth, washed my face

and splashed on a couple a drops of my signature scent.

Yeah, let's talk about your signature scent.

What is it, exactly?

'cause it smells like the inside of a hamster cage.

That's the cedar bark.

It also contains sandalwood, clove and a hint of jasmine.

But I'm guessing those aromatic subtleties are lost

on a man who has two blocks of parmesan cheese for feet.

Fine.

Let's stop at a drugstore, and I'll buy some new socks.

You need to buy some new feet.

You know what? Screw it.

The shoes are coming off.

Then I'm opening all the windows.

Fine. It's ten below.

We'll both just freeze to death.

I'd rather freeze to death than die

from a bad case of parmesan foot lung.

Hey, whatever. Doesn't bother me.

Doesn't bother me, either.

Hey, I like the cold.

Turn on the air conditioner.

Don't think I won't. Do it.

I'm gonna!

What are you doing? It's ten below out here!

Well, it's 4:59 in here,

and we don't open until 5:00.

You know, we have a battering ram in the car.

And I've got french toast in the back, so play nice.

Come on!

Morning, gentleman.

Do you have a reservation?

I don't want to sit here.

Why not?

It's too close to the door. I prefer a booth.

Fine. We'll do whatever you want,

like we always do.

Oh, really?

We always do what I want?

That's why we got to listen to bluegrass music

on the drive home every night?

It's not bluegrass, it's roots music.

They ain't my roots.

Just a bunch of hillbillies with banjos

complaining about the train being late.

If you don't like my choice in music,

get another ride to work.

It wasn't my idea to carpool.

Well, I thought it would save you a little money

with both of us paying for gas.

And it would, if we were both actually paying for gas.

Unfortunately, your wallet and your pants

are like Superman and Clark Kent.

Never in the same place at the same time.

I'm not going to apologize to you for being frugal.

Frugal? You live rent-free at your grandma's house,

and she even cuts your hair.

Cutting my hair brings that old woman a lot of joy.

Besides, nana cuts the straightest lines in town.

I'd be a fool to bring my business elsewhere.

Seriously though,

don't you think it's a little weird,

a grown man living with his grandmother?

Hey, I don't live with her, she lives with me.

In her house.

Yes. Which I'll inherit when she dies.

And as long as we're asking

the tough questions, let my ask you something.

How are you so...

Fat? Is that what you want to know, smart guy?

No, actually, I was going to say "bull-headed."

I spend all day in a car with you.

I know why you're so fat.

You know, just because I'm overweight,

you think you're better than me.

Not at everything. Just foot racing, swimming,

climbing, getting in the car, getting out of the car,

picking up a quarter, pushing a plate away.

That's it! I'm switching tables!

Oh, and deny me your witty conversation

and brilliant repartee?

Hey! I'm done talking to you.

I was done talking to you first.

You always got to get the last word in, huh?

Sure as hell not going to get the last doughnut.

Oh, good.

Spread the crappy tip over two tables.

I hope the lasagna's okay.

It's all fat-free.

I used three different types of cheeses

and diced up fresh tomatoes and garlic for the sauce.

It's fine.

Well, that's what I was shooting for.

"fine."

Last chance to throw in "and dandy"

just to keep a girl from hanging herself.

What? Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie. It's great,

and I really appreciate you going to all the trouble.

Well, you've been working really hard lately.

So do criminals actually venture out in this kind of weather?

Not really. Today was mostly

assisting stranded motorists

And helping an old lady chip her frozen cat out of a tree.

Oh, my god. Please tell me that didn't actually happen.

I wish I could. We ended up just sawing off

the whole branch and leaving it on her porch.

I, for one, appreciate the fact

that there are brave men like you out there protecting us.

I'll tell you, the real challenge

is being stuck in a car with Carl all day.

He's always pushing my buttons, picking away,

trying to get my goat.

Pick, pick, pick, pick, pick.

Well, the important thing is, you're here now,

and-and we're together.

Hey, I had, uh, quite the adventure myself today.

We just got this new vice principal and...

You know what Carl was giving me a hard time about today?

I don't.

My feet.

He said my feet smell like cheese.

Parmesan.

Yeah.

But they don't, do they?

No.

God, no.

I don't know how much longer I can put up with him.

I mean, he's really starting to drive me crazy.

I understand. But when you start

to feel yourself getting mad at him,

just remember he's tired

And overworked, and probably just needs somebody to vent to.

So do I, but I choose not to.

I suffer in silence.

True.

But if it gets too bad,

you have the option of venting to me.

Oh, I would never do that.

Our time together is precious.

Well, Carl's not the stoic rock that you are, sweetie, and...

he doesn't have a regular girlfriend, and...

I know, I'm all he's got.

Poor little loser.

Be patient with him.

Be the bigger man.

And when he starts to drive you crazy,

just take a deep breath,

And try and remember that you love him.

It's not going to be easy.

Trust me, it's not.

Now, is there anything I can do

to take care of my big, strong, hardworking man?

Boy, after dinner, I'd sure love a foot rub.

Oh, come on.

You can do better than that.

I said anything.