How Not to Live Your Life

I hate supermarkets.

The lighting's awful, the music's rubbish,

the chicks have all got kids.

It's just not a cool place.

Oh, my God!

It's Dave Fentiman, my old friend from school.

Aren't you going to go and say hello?

I haven't seen him in years. What if it's awkward?

Just say howdy. What's the worst that could happen?

It's Don, Don Danbury.

Oh, my God.

Not you!

It's Don, Don Danbury.

How's it going?

Terrible.

I lost my job.

My girlfriend killed herself.

I've been diagnosed with face cancer.

But at least I've got you now.

It's Don, Don Danbury.

- What if he doesn't remember me? - Of course he'll remember you.

You said you used to be best friends.

Go on.

Go on.

Eddie, stop it!

It's Don.

Sorry, mate. You must have the wrong bloke.

Don, you silly slut!

You douche bag. I thought you didn't remember me.

Of course I remember you, you stupid ***!

.:: La Fabrique ::.

Dickheads Team

Synchro: mpm & Arrow

Episode 206 Don and the Wedding

I'm totally honoured, Dave.

Of course not, Dave.

I can't wait, Dave.

That's excellent, Dave.

See you later, Dave.

- Who was that? - Dave.

My old friend who we bumped into at the supermarket?

He's getting married next week and he wants me to be his best man.

- Can you believe that? - Maybe he doesn't have friends.

Yes, he has other friends.

He was the most popular kid at our school.

Great...

Postcard... from dream girl.

Does she say when she's coming back?

She doesn't care about us any more.

Too busy swanning around the world.

- Tea and biscuit? - Yes.

Here you go. I made you a cup of tea?

- Why? - There is no "y" in friends.

OK. Well, at least your spelling's getting better.

I did it cos we're mates,

chums, buddies, who do things for each other,

like make tea

or go to Scotland to attend a wedding whilst pretending to be married.

- Biscuit? - What did you just say?

- Biscuit? - No, the bit about Scotland?

For some strange reason, I told Dave I'm married.

- Why? - I wanted to impress him.

I didn't want him to think I've achieved nothing with my life.

If he's such a good friend, then why can't you be honest with him?

Honest? Are you mental in the face?

Imagine how that would look.

So, what kind of work do you do, Don?

- I don't. - Right.

- Kids? - Nope.

Married?

Girlfriend?

Dog?

Gay.

Tried that. Wasn't really me.

I have absolutely nothing to show for my life.

I'll do it.

No, thanks, Gollum.

I was hoping to make Dave a tad jealous,

not a tad nauseous.

You think that I would make him jealous?

Well, a tad.

- But, if you don't want, that's fine... - OK.

What, you'll do it?

On one condition.

Sure. What?

You ask me properly.

- What do you mean? - You ask me properly.

Will you do me the honour of pretending to be my wife?

I will.

Eight hours' drive with Mrs Treacher in the car.

That woman smells.

It was like driving in a shoe.

Grab the bags, Eddie.

What?

I'll just be a minute.

Mr and Mrs Danbury, checking in.

Certainly, Mr Danbury.

What time do you knock off?

Excuse me?

What are you doing later?

It's OK.

- I'm only with him for the money. - Right.

Here's your key. Room 301.

Thank you.

Come on.

- What did you do that for? - Stay in character, dickhead.

What if my character is that of a natural flirt?

Then my character is that of a woman

who can't keep a secret about her sham marriage.

Right, fair point.

Don, you tranny. You made it!

Dave! Come here.

What are you doing?

Just messing around.

Who's this little cracker, then?

Don't tell me you're Don's ball and chain?

Ball and chain? Are you from the '70s?

What?

You obviously don't know who I am.

Yes, I do. You're Dave, Don's old friend from school.

Correctamundo.

I take it he rabbits on about me all the time, right?

She's a bit lippy ain't she?

You were right, though. She's, er, good to look at.

To look at?

Actually, I think, Dave, I said that she was beautiful, remember?

Yeah. Something gay like that.

You said that I was beautiful?

- You don't mind? - Boring!

Now, are we going to get ***** tonight, or what?

You try and stop me, Dave-minator.

Five me.

Still a gullible sap.

Funny, funny, the old punch joke.

I'll be honest,

a part of me was thinking how nice this weekend would've been

if I had brought Abby with me, but as my actual wife.

- There's only one bed. - We're married, remember?

- I'm not sleeping with you. - Am I really that bad?

Don't answer that.

Anyway, the sofa, it looks really comfy.

You were the one who said we should stay in character.

We're married.

Sleeping on the sofa isn't staying in character.

Yes, it is.

We are a couple going through a rough patch.

Thank you. Just over there, please.

And...

a little something for you.

- What's that for? - For bringing the bags in.

Don't be silly. I don't work here.

- But you earnt it. - I couldn't possibly.

- I'll be offended. - But I...

Just take the fucking coin!

OK. I'll take the pound coin. Thank you, Don.

It was nothing.

So you'll be back to pick us up on Sunday?

See ya.

Have a good weekend, Don.

"Dear Mr and Mrs Danbury,

"please find an itinerary for the weekend, starting tonight,

"with the bride and groom's respective stag and hen dos."

I am not sitting through some terrible Chippendale act.

Actually, Chippendales might quite be fun.

Remember, you're my wife.

Yes, I know. Samantha Danbury.

About that...

Your name's not Samantha Danbury.

What's my name, Don?

Remember, I came up with it on the spot.

Dave just kept asking me questions I didn't know what to do.

Yes... This wife of yours, what's her name?

I couldn't think of anything

and then the answer just landed in front of me.

It's...

Mary Lou?

Well, that's fine.

Why didn't I think of that?

It's perfect.

It's... Garden.

Garden.

That's ridiculous!

That's very disrespectful to everyone called Garden.

No, it's not. Because Garden isn't even a real name!

It is. It's your name.

Garden Danbury?

I sound like air freshener.

This is amazing! You're up.

It's over.

Come again?

Time to let go of my grief for Bill.

That's great.

However, we do have to leave now because we were just dropping them off.

Oh, no. We're not leaving.

There's something I need to do. You see, I haven't had sex in...

Can't remember. Anyway, that's gotta change,

this weekend, we're checking in,

then were going shopping for a dress.

Come on.

Right, I'd better get going.