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Cobra, Cobra, Cobra,

Cobra, Cobra, Cobra, Cobra, Cobra, Cobra, Cobra, Cobra,

Cobra, Cobra.

Cobra!

Destroy the Taj Mahal.

Cobra!

Not if G.I. Joe can help it.

Roadblock, deep six.

Hold off those hiss tanks.

- Yo, Joe! - Hat Muffs, Pit Take,

shoot down those rattlers.

Um, excuse me, sir.

Why is Cobra attacking a tourist attraction

with zero tactical value,

and with all due respect to India,

why are we defending it?

Tightship, you can overhaul G.I. Joe

when you're commander.

Which will clearly happen any day now,

as long as your stay on full display.

Whoa, Buzzkill, language.

No, you can't have ice cream for lunch.

Put your brother on the phone.

Three Kids, put down that phone.

We're in the middle of a battle.

Oh, screw you, Flint.

I'm in a battle called having three kids.

Guys, we're a squad. You're making me look bad.

Well, if you're so great, Wingman,

show us how it's done.

With pleasure.

We'll meet again, G.I. Joe.

Good shooting, Wingman,

but it looks like Destro's getting away.

Not necessarily, sir.

Jeez!

What? Oh, no. What are you doing?

Hey! Are you crazy? Wha... uh...

Yo, Joe!

What?

What, we're... we're not saying it together?

Yo, Joe!

G.I. Joe is the code name

for America's daring, awesomely trained,

awesome mission force.

Its purpose... to fight Cobra,

because they're terrorists.

Look, I think I'm over-explaining it.

The bad guys are snakes,

and the good guys are army people.

Wingman, Three Kids, Buzzkill, Tightship,

you stand accused of violence,

suggestive language, and mature situations

unbecoming of G.I. Joe. What say you?

Look, I understand this is the first time

a G.I. Joe has killed anyone in all of recorded history.

- However... - However, let's be truthful.

This is a very disorganized militia.

Yeah, what's anyone's rank?

We're all just dressed like serial killers and strippers.

I have three kids.

You guys are not helping.

Duke, Flint, Scarlett,

yes, it's true I killed Destro.

And I promise not to do it again.

But is it really a crime?

Is Cobra not a ruthless terrorist organization

determined to rule the world?

And if we never kill them,

are we not basically on their side?

And won't this war therefore last forever

unless we finish killing Cobra

or start killing ourselves?

How long are we in here, Cold Shoulder?

Cold Shoulder?

What's with that guy?

"Start killing Cobra or killing ourselves"?

We were in the fourth down. It was a hail mary.

This place is a graveyard for G.I. Joe rejects.

Look who's in here...

Deep Dish, Shark Arms,

Weird Head, Home Free,

Place Holder, Sleep Apnea, and us!

I have three kids.

This is the worst day of my life.

Is it life?

My name is Fourth Wall.

And I believe that what we perceive as life

is actually a syndicated children's cartoon.

What? Shut up, Fourth Wall.

If this were a cartoon, there'd be a word for "cartoon"

in our language, which there isn't.

There'd also be less movement, less detail,

and constant lip-sync mistakes.

What if I told you there was more,

a higher reality,

with more than 65 colors and at least three dimensions?

Then I guess someone would have to lock you up

with the crazy people.

Oh, good.

I recently infiltrated a secret Cobra dig site,

code name: Greendale.

What did you say?

Cobra has discovered an ancient buried structure

filled with strange things.

Look.

- Oh, yeah, look at that. - It's a child's toy.

The toy was more real than this at Greendale.

Ow, oof.

What is that word?

Greendale?

Cobra's out to take over the world,

but G.I. Joe is there.

G.I. Joe must be destroyed.

Cobra hiss coming for attack!

It's the new G.I. Joe submachopter,

piloted by Wingman.

- Retreat! - Yo, Joe!

We are in a toy commercial!

I can't hear you when you're covered in rocks.

It doesn't hurt because it isn't real.

- Good job, Wingman. - Thank you, Duke.

G.I. Joe is my entire life.

Yo, Joe!

All other figures and vehicles sold separately.

- Wingman, what happened? - I don't know.

He clearly has a connection to the non-cartoon reality.

When I mentioned Greenda...

Shut up. Stop saying that word.

You're some kind of demon man,

and... and your outfit is three layers of racist.

Oh, my God, he's having an attack.

Jeff, can you hear us? It's Annie.

What did you just call me?

Jeffrey, do you know where you are?

Be quiet. Leave me alone.

I... I don't belong here. I belong in G.I. Joe.

Ow! And don't touch me. Who wears a saw on their arm?

The first time I met Destro,

he asked me if he should have

his entire head coated in chrome.

I said, "no. How would you do that?"

How would that even work?

Look, I'm not good at eulogies

because I've never had to give one.

All I want to know is, how did G.I. Joe do this?

We've been shooting at each other and missing for 20 years.

Now all of a sudden...

Unbelievable. What?

Cobra Commander,

it's Vice Cobra Assistant Commander.

We just got a very interesting energy surge

at the Greendale site.

Oh, okay. That's super fascinating.

Um, Destro's dead!

Oh, my gosh, Destro? Were you guys close?

Were we close? Yes!

What kind of a question is...

Okay, fine. I loved him!

Is that what you want to hear?

Called it.

And we are going to find out how this happened,

and G.I. Joe is going to pay-bra!

I riffed that.

No wrong answers.

It's a condition that comes on

when you get to a certain weight.

Oh, I see.

So is there a Mr. Tightship, or...

Um...

That's a code three.

Cobra forces are infiltrating the base.

Cobra!

Avenge my totally platonic friend!

Oh, great, and we're stuck in here.

We don't have to be.

For 15 years, I have used my trademark tablespoon

to excavate a tunnel,

swallowing handfuls of dirt and rock with my meals

and listening only to Smashmouth

in order to justify this poster.

Now I am within inches of reaching the...

Come on, if we help save the base,

maybe they'll let us be G.I. Joes again.

Battle stations!

Snakes at 6:00.

Okay, now remember... don't kill anybody.

Just lay down a suppressive fire,

like this.

Oh, my gosh! I'm sorry.

Oh, God.

Oh, man. Oh, darn it.

Yeah, I'd say they're suppressed.

Jeez. Aw, was that lifeline?

Sorry!

Someone's killing people.

It's Wingman! He's escaped!

Lay down a suppressive fire!

They're suppressive firing at us!