Guys with Kids

"Guys with Kids" is taped in front of a live studio audience.

- Mom's home! - Mom's home!

Ow, hey!

Welcome to my life.

These guys today.

- Hi, sweetheart. - Take 'em.

Look, and I'm not talking to this one

for the rest of the night.

- Oh. - Mom, did you know there's a--

Boys, boys. Back up, back up.

Come on, give your mom some space.

- Oh, thank you, Gary. - Oh, you're welcome, baby.

So how was your day?

What'd you do? Tell me about it.

Come on, come on, come on.

What did you have for lunch?

Uh, turkey sandwich?

Oh, a turkey sandwich? All right.

On what type of bread?

Come on, don't leave me hanging, woman!

Gary, I just got home.

I'm tired.

Baby, I'm tired too.

And I've been trapped in here all day.

I need to know what's going on out in the real world.

Give me details.

- You want details? - Yes.

I spent five hours in a windowless conference room

debating whether to put the title

of a PowerPoint presentation

in all caps or initial caps.

Oh, so what did you decide?

Oh, baby, please, can I just get a minute?

No, baby, I need adult conversation.

The only thing I talked to today was this thing.

You're special.

The positive reinforcement is great,

but the conversation doesn't go anywhere.

I like you.

Say it less and mean it more, Teddy bear.

So what's the big news, Chris?

Cagney's is starting a trivia night.

Apparently all those cards

we stuffed in the suggestion box paid off.

The system works.

Let's do it. Finally, some real competition.

I think we should pull Violet out of school

so she can quiz us during the day.

There's the overly competitive guy

who got into a butterfly drawing competition with my niece.

She thinks she's so good.

- Hi. - What are you guys doing?

Oh, nobody move.

If we hold perfectly still, she might not spray us.

Oh, my God. Your dog can talk.

Hmm.

Sheila, we are forming a bar trivia team.

Do you wanna join?

Does kamusta mean "yes" in tagalog?

No, it means "hello." That was a trick question.

You need me.

Sheila, I know that Emily just asked you to join our team,

but I am asking you to take the temperature of the room,

read between the lines, and pick up on the general vibe

that I am sending out right now.

Got it...I'm in.

And I've already figured out our team name.

"Let's Get Quizzical," huh?

It's a pun on the song by Oli--

Olivia Newton-John, 1981, MCA Records.

Bang. Winner. I beat you.

Nick, you're on the same team.

Yeah, I know, but I won.

Hold the elevator!

- Whoa. Oh. Oh. - Hey.

- You two. - Hey.

Yes, we'll ride the elevator with you.

Jeez, Marny, you're so needy.

It's nothing personal, guys.

This one-minute elevator ride

is the only alone time in my day.

I love my kids. I love my husband.

But sometimes I see someone in a coma on a medical show,

and I say, "I could use some of that."

Mm-hmm.

I totally get it. I totally get it.

The stay-at-home spouses,

they do not understand.

We go straight from working at work

to working at home.

It's like, hey, I need some alone time.

But if I ask Gary for alone time,

it's gonna hurt his feelings.

Yeah, right, but that's why

you don't ask for alone time.

You have to sneak it.

Dirty little secret about divorce, guys:

Filled with wonderful alone time.

Like, lots of alone time, you know?

Sometimes too much alone time.

Now I'm sad.

Nick, I don't think I could ever deceive Gary that way.

Sure you can. Do it.

Maybe I'm just over-tired

and blowing things out of proportion.

Hey, baby, the suspense is killing me.

Did you go with all caps or initial caps, huh?

How long have you been waiting here?

We watched you get off the subway from the window.

We always watch you.

Welcome to Cagney's inaugural Trivia Night.

All right, first question.

Who is the current prime minister of Canada?

Both: Stephen Harper!

Correct.

I'm outside counsel

for a pharmaceutical company based in Toronto.

I watch hockey.

Oh! Sir Arthur Conan Doyle?

Incorrect.

That's a point lost for team "Let's Get Quizzical."

Good guess, Chris. Good job!

I know.

No, the thing is, you don't know.

You made a baby with that.

Colors of the German flag?

Oh, uh, uh, I'm not positive, but I think it's--

- Black, red, and gold! - Correct.

Final question of the night.

Name the 1990s pop duo who lip-synched their way

to the top of the charts.

Ding! Vanilla Ice!

- No! - How is that a duo?

Milli Vanilli.

- Correct! - Oh!

Ugh, that's what I was thinking.

And the winning team:

"No Quizness Like Show Quizness."

This was so fun.

- We did so well. - I know.

Oh, hey, let's go buy the winning team a drink.

- Oh, good idea. - Right? Yeah.

Their enthusiasm is sickening.

I never should have married a camp counselor.

Gary, are you sure you can't join our team?

I can't do it, man.

Marny's boss has been making her stay late recently.

She's working hard.

- Yeah, I'm really proud of her. - Mom!

Yes, son, that's who we're talking about, your mom.

Now stay out of adult conversations.

No, Mom's right there.

What is she doing here?

She told me she was working.

She is working.

Working on those calves.

I'm just trying to lighten the mood.

I can't believe Marny lied to me about working late,

then went to the gym.

Doesn't sound like Marny.

I wonder where she'd get an idea like that.

Women's magazines, obviously.

Hey, baby. How was, uh, work?

- Oh, brutal. - Oh?

Oh, I can see that they're working you hard.

So hard that you have sweat on your brow.

Oh.

Well, you know, they were really cranking the heat at work.

Hmm, I bet.

And I wanted to get home, baby.

But, you know, it's 6:00 here,

and they're just waking up in Tokyo.

- Mm-hmm. - Then Kashegawa calls

and start asking for materials and, you know--

it actually was through a translator, Terry--

He knows.

And then I stopped by the gym to get a run in.

Okay, so we're gonna go.

Yeah, okay.

So...

Let me get this straight.

Instead of coming home...

You went to the gym.

Yes.

Yes, I did.

- Huh. - But I did it because...

You know, because, uh...

Because I want to look good for my husband.

Huh.

So why didn't you, uh,

tell...

your husband?

- Because... - Hmm.

I knew that...

You'd want to go with me.

And I know how much you hate the gym.

And I don't want to put that kind of pressure on you.

Because you...

are a beautiful man.

What are you talking about?