M*A*S*H

Guten Morgen, gang.

Well, glad to see we've got a full house.

I'll bet you're all just dying to know

why I've called you here.

If it's about that peephole in the nurses' shower,

I'm innocent.

And, Klinger, you can have your drill back.

Tasteless, but at least it's not funny.

Take it easy, Margaret. Everybody needs a hobby.

Could we get on with this, please?

Indeed. We're all in our places

with dull, grumpy faces.

Fine, fine. I'll get right to it.

‐He's gonna get to it. ‐Huh?

It all started this morning when my intrepid mailman,

Max Klinger, brought me this letter.

Klinger, who's it from?

The colonel has sworn me to secrecy

with real swear words.

Better hurry up, Colonel.

I can't stay awake much longer.

Oh, I think this is gonna open your peepers

real wide, Hunnicutt,

and your ears too, because this here's from... Radar.

‐Radar! ‐Oh, how nice!

I thought it would be nice if we were all together

when we heard what's new with the little lad.

Well, for starters, he's learned to write.

Well, read it, Colonel.

Hold on to your panama, Padre.

Just gotta get my specs.

I'm dying of curiosity.

"Dear Colonel: This is Walter, formerly Radar, O'Reilly

"writing you from Ottumwa, Iowa, U. S. Of A.

"It's kind of funny being a civilian human again.

"There's no one to give me orders.

Except Mom, of course. Ha‐ha."

Well, he certainly hasn't lost his savage wit.

"Guess what? I'm making the farm a great big success.

"It's gonna be our best year ever, wheat‐wise.

"I've got corn coming out of my ears

"and I look to make a pretty penny.

I guess you really do reap what you sew."

He spelled it S‐E‐W.

‐(laughs) Of course he did. ‐What's wrong with that?

"Sir, I really miss you people,

"but sometimes I get so busy I forget to.

"Then when I remember, I miss you all twice as much.

"And every night I pray for this police action war to get over

so you can all come back to the people... you love."

"Well, I've got to get off this letter

"and on the tractor,

"so give my love to Hawkeye and everyone else,

"even Major Winchester.

I bet he makes a face when he hears that."

"Anyway, no matter how successful I get,

I'll always be your Radar."

"Sincerely yours

in long‐distance affection,

Walter O'Reilly... gentleman farmer."

That's very sweet.

Little twerp. Just when I thought I'd gotten over him.

How about that? Our old buddy's a tycoon in the making.

Indeed. Today Ottumwa, tomorrow Keokuk.

I think there's a sermon in that letter.

Me too. Klinger, special‐deliver this over to the padre.

Hey, I got a great sermon title for you, Father.

"The Meek Shall Inherit the North Forty."

Pretty good, huh? Is that pretty good, huh?

‐Klinger, watch my glasses! ‐Ooh!

I think they're broke.

Always jumping to conclusions.

Well, surely you have another pair.

You want to answer him, Klinger?

I broke those last week.

But you gotta admit, Colonel, I really nailed that fly good.

We just shared a moment of great warmth.

I think a murder right now would really spoil the mood.

Well, this crack‐up was partly my fault.

Damn!

I can't do any reading or work around here

until I get a new pair.

I know. That optometrist who goes around to all the camps.

Why don't you put in a call to him?

Klinger, ring up H. Q.

and find out where that traveling eye doctor is.

If he's in the neighborhood, get him up here.

If he's not, get him up here!

Hi, good lookin'. Get sick here often?

Don't you ever run out?

‐Sir. ‐Margaret.

What's with her? All week long,

she's been dishing out cold shoulder.

Well, everybody's entitled

to be down in the dumps once in a while.

Yeah, and this is Margaret's year.

Wait a minute, Igor. What's that green stuff?

We had roast beef yesterday.

Folks, this is a treat that can't be beat.

Fresh‐made coleslaw.

Come on! Nothing's fresh around here.

Even the air's a day old.

‐Ohh. ‐Ha!

HAWKEYE, B. J.: Ohh!

I don't believe it!

Something's not rotten in Korea.

This tastes as good as the slaw

Mildred makes back home for picnics.

Ants crawl all the way from Arkansas just to sample it.

This is incredible. What's more, it's edible.

Where'd you get the fixings, Igor?

Some Korean kid brought it in.

And some radishes and cucumbers too.

Said he owed us a favor.

His name was Park Sing... Sang...

Sung! Park Sung. Remember?

Refugee family from up north.

Their village was bombed out in a raid.

Yeah, the grandmother had pneumonia. We took care of her.

Sounds like a fair deal.

We save her from death. He saves us from lunch.

Notice how much nicer lunch is

when they use real food?

Hey, there's the kid with all the cabbage.

‐Park Sung! ‐Hiya.

Oh, hello, Dr. Hawkeye, Dr. Sherman, Dr. B. J.

‐Good to see you, boy. ‐Thanks for the vegetables.

I've had it out to here with you.

I am only too glad to make present

after you save my grandmother.

‐How is she doing now? ‐She is well.

We build small hut near here.

Oh, glad to see you found a place to live.

Yes, we make new life.

I try to grow food, but ground very rocky.

Some things grow good. Some do not.

American G.I. gave me this to learn to grow things

but I do not read English good.

Pretty hard to read anything with those glasses.

Why don't we get that road company optometrist

to make him a new pair?

Primo brainstorm, Pierce.

Park Sung, you come back here tomorrow morning

and we'll fix you up with a new pair of eyeglasses.

Thank you. You are very good friends.

‐This rabbit, he is not well, yes? ‐Yeah?

Well, old Bugs hasn't touched his food.

From the looks of him, he's too pooped to hop.

Well, we'll take care of him.

How bad off can he be with four rabbit's feet?

L‐O‐P...

Z‐D.

‐(laughs) ‐Those'll do fine.

They look good too.

Very distinguished. All you need is a briar pipe,

and you'll be ready for the lecture circuit.

Here, son, have a gander.

These are A number one. I can have them?

You bet. No charge.

I'll pick up the lenses in Seoul

and be back day after tomorrow.

I'll be seeing you then,

and you'll be seeing me even better.

Thank you very much. Now I can go?

I want to see if your medicine helps Bugs Rabbit.

Yeah, sure.

Dr. Herzog, thanks for fixing the boy up.

Oh, no problem. Oh, the name's Bud.

Actually, it's Myron,

but I don't like to talk about that.

Oh, Colonel! You're still here.

‐Yep. ‐You're all here.

Until we leave. What brings you here?

Oh, nothing.

Oh... Oh, I heard Dr. Herzog was here,

and I wanted to meet him.

Dr. Herzog, I presume. I'm Major Houlihan.

Well, Major, nice to meet you.

Oh, please, call me Margaret.

‐Get her. ‐I do believe

Margaret's making eyes at the optometrist.

When you're through here,

maybe I can show you around,

and we'll get better acquainted.

Ohh.

I'm afraid you're on your own, Bud.

And seeing as how five's a crowd, let's go, gents.

‐I think we should stay and chaperone these kids. ‐Out!

‐You got some I. D., fella? ‐Out! Out, out!

Oh, thank heavens they're gone.

Now then, uh, Bud, was it?

Maybe we'd better make that Dr. Herzog.

"The ad hoc disposition of said dossier...

to be implemented immediately."

Ahh, finally something I can understand.

It says "sign here."

Damn, I can barely see the paper.

‐Sherman T... ‐Sherman T...

I hope I don't run out of paper before I run out of Potter.

I'm warning you,