Two and a Half Men

I just want to be clear that I am here as a last resort.

I understand.

I don't have a lot of faith in psychiatry as a science.

I think some of the drugs you're pushing are interesting...

and I'm all for messing around with brain chemistry.

I mean, that's how I got through high school.

But in my experience,

popping pills doesn't relieve social anxiety

quite as well as, say, bourbon and Marvin Gaye.

Now I get it.

You're desperate and I'm full of hooey.

So in the words of Marvin Gaye...

"What's goin' on?"

Everything I say is confidential, right?

Whatever you say, stays in this room.

Kind of like Vegas.

Well, except there's no way you're leaving here

with more money than when you came in.

Yeah, like Vegas.

Anyway...

last night I'm out with my stupid, lame-ass brother...

Sounds like you've got some anger towards him.

Oh, you're good.

This is nice...

you and me spending time together.

Why don't we do this more often?

I don't have an answer.

Me neither.

So how long till the movie starts?

About 20 minutes.

Yeah, sure.

20 minutes, not counting previews and ads,

the popcorn and the giant pretzel holding hands,

the big soda drinking the little soda,

which frankly is cannibalism,

and the always welcome reminder

to turn off your cell phones and shut up,

but nobody ever does because, let's face it,

good manners are just the latest casualty

in the ongoing collapse of Western civilization.

I now have an answer.

I miss Jake.

How can you miss him?

We just dropped him off at his friend's house.

By the way, if you ever get tired of those magazines

under your bed, the kid's mom looked fairly do-able.

Forget the mom. Did you see how happy Jake was

to be spending the weekend away from me?

Why would you think that?

Just because he jumped out of the car

while it was still moving?

Come on, Alan, he was happy to see his friends.

Being away from you is just gravy.

I know. I know.

It's natural for him to want to spend more time

with his peers than his parents.

But all the same, it's sad.

Yeah.

Sunrise, sunset.

One day, you're holding a little baby in your arms,

and the next day, he's off hocking loogies

and lighting farts with a bunch of Ritalin-addled sixth graders.

Why do I bother trying to share my feelings with you?

I don't know.

It's not like I encourage it.

Oh, come on.

So your kid doesn't need you like he used to.

That's a good thing.

You can spend your weekends enjoying yourself.

That's true.

And there's things I want to do that I haven't had time for.

Like that kid's mom.

No, no, I mean like reading--

finally cracking open the classics.

Alan, if you want to crack something open,

I recommend that kid's mom.

No, no, I'm serious.

For years, I have been wishing that I had time

to read all the great books.

Dostoyevsky,

and Hemingway, Faulkner, and Dickens, and Shakespeare

and history!

History: U.S. history, world history,

the history of language.

I mean, why doesn't anyone speak Sumerian anymore?

I don't know because I haven't read the book!

And, oh, oh...

poetry, poetry!

Byron, and Keats, and Shelley!

And biographies! Oh!

Julius Caesar, and Abraham Lincoln, and, oh, Groucho Marx!

I mean, look at them all!

Look at them! They're mocking me!

I haven't read any of them!

Okay, well, just pick one for now.

Why bother?!

There's not enough time!

There's too many books and not enough time!

Maybe you just need a system.

You know, put a book next to the toilet,

and every couple days, you knock out a couple chapters.

No, no! It's too late for me!

There's not enough bowel movements left!

Maybe you need to change your diet.

No, it's hopeless!

Jake will be grown up soon and I'll be dead.

And you know what I'll have left behind?

A life of unfulfilled dreams, a shelf of unread books,

and three unopened seasons of Six Feet Under on DVD.

So what are you doing tonight?

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah * Men *

All right.

So your brother had a panic attack

in the middle of a bookstore.

How'd that make you feel?

What the hell do my feelings have to do with anything?

Why don't you just humor me?

Well, I felt a little ashamed.

Because you felt that his behavior reflected on you?

No, because I left him there.

You left him?

Not permanently.

I came back and got him after he was all cried out

and it was time for the movie.

So you still went to the movie?

Yeah, I bought the tickets online.

They don't refund those.

Red Vine?

No, thank you.

I am so sorry.

I don't know what came over me.

Nah.

Who among us hasn't collapsed, weeping,

in the middle of a bookstore for no apparent reason?

You know, I think maybe I'd be better off at home.

So I'm supposed to miss the movie

just because you had a nervous breakdown?

Well, kind of.

Don't you think that's a little selfish, Alan?

It's just, all of a sudden,

I felt crushed by this unbelievable sense of grief,

like my entire life has been an exercise in pathetic futility.

Well, I wouldn't rule it out.

Come on, bunky, cheer up.

Have a Red Vine.

I don't want a Red Vine.

Sno-Cap?

No.

Raisinets?

No.

Goober? How much crap did you buy?!

They couldn't change a hundred.

All right, I'll have a Junior Mint.

I didn't get Junior Mints.

Of course not.

Story of my life.

No Junior Mints for Alan... just Goobers.

Goobers, Goobers, Goobers.

Alan, be quiet.

Why? Why?

The first amendment gives me the right

to yell "Goobers" in a crowded theater.

Goobers!

Hey, look.

Movie quiz. Let's play the movie quiz. I don't want

to play the movie quiz.

Come on, it'll be fun.

I'll bet you're good at it.

All right, all right.

"Debra Winger and Richard Gere starred

in An Officer and a blank."

Oh, please!

You need a hint?

There's a hint upside down in the corner.

No, I don't need a hint!

I know the answer!

Everybody here knows the answer!

Everybody on the planet knows the answer!

We're not stupid!

Chill, chill.

Oh, wait, here's another brain teaser.

"Steven Spielberg directed this modern retelling

of the H.G. Wells classic War of the blank."

Uh, uh, couch!

War of the Couch!

Stop it.

Oh, no, no, I got it!

War of the blow it out your ...!

You know, maybe you're right.

Maybe we should go.

Wait, no, I know this one.

"Johnny Depp cruised to success in this comedy-action film

inspired by a Disneyland attraction."

Pirates of the blow it out your ...!

He's behind on his reading.

Oh, oh, and let's not forget Judy Garland

in that immortal classic The Wizard of blow it out your ...!

That sounds like quite an episode.

Is your brother seeing a therapist?