SMILF

_

Larry, this is a big day.

- You know why? - No.

Diaper-wearing time has officially run out.

You are a big boy.

We gotta learn how to use the toilet.

- Deal? - No.

Not a deal.

If you go on the toilet, you can bonk me.

Okay.

- You wanna bonk me? - Yeah.

Oh! Now you wanna go on the toilet?

- No. - Okay.

You know, sometimes you'll get to pee like this, standing up.

Wonder why I don't pee standing up.

Okay, I'll sit on your toilet and then you sit on my toilet.

Okay?

Okay.

You don't fit on there.

I do too.

You said you'd learn how to use the toilet today

- Do you want to use the toilet? - No.

- Please? - No.

Can you hold up your side of the bargain?

I'm on your toilet. Get on my toilet.

Ugh.

I'm a terrible mother, huh?

I don't know how to do this.

Does that make you feel guilty enough to try?

- No. - No.

Seriously?

Hey, buddy.

Morning.

Good morning.

Whoa.

What are you doin' here?

It's my house, Rafi.

What are you doin' here?

Last night, um...

...I got locked out of Sober Living.

Hmm.

Well, you know, there's these neat things

all over Boston... You know, beds, showers...

Called hotels.

Where's Bridgette?

She's dropping Larry off with Tutu.

Cute dog,

but you need to get out.

If Virginia saw this,

you and the dog here, she would freak the fuck out.

- Okay. Okay. - And you know it.

- Get dressed. - Uh-huh.

Put my sofa bed back how it was,

and you have a good day.

Hey, I'm sorry, okay.

I'm gone.

Mother?

Go away.

Mommy?

- Go away. - It's Bridgette.

I know. Go away. I'm sleeping.

Well, you gotta get up.

I still can't get Larry to use the toilet

and I need you to do it, and he's downstairs waiting.

What? Why?

What do you mean, why? You said you'd watch him.

It's my day off. Get up.

No, I really can't, Bridge.

No, you promised. Remember?

Come on, I haven't had a day off in forever.

I just want to go to the movies and zone out.

You're seriously asking

to spend time away from your child at a fucking movie?

- Yes. - Really, it's a...

It's horrible, Bridgette.

- Well, I'm a horrible mother. - Mm.

- Now get your fat ass up. - Hmm.

- Come on. - No!

- Move it! - I'm not!

I said no!

Get out the room!

Is this 'cause of Edmond?

I don't wanna talk about it.

Well, change of plans.

Just me and you today, kid.

- Okay? - Okay, Mommy.

You need to use the potty before we get in the car?

- No. - Yes, 'cause today's the day.

Come on, let's go.

Good luck there, Bridge.

I have no idea what I'm doing.

Is she okay?

Sure. You know, the moods.

Yeah, right.

Is that a space? No.

Sing it with me, Larry! Come on!

Larry, there's nowhere to park.

Swish-swish-swish,

swish-swish-swish, swish-swish-swish.

Larry, can I turn the song off?

- Hey, no! - I love this song.

- Don't you, Larry? - Yeah!

Fuck.

One more lap, that's it.

Again!

Hi, Larry, are you ready to go for a ride?

No parking. No parking.

Tow zone.

Great job, Lar...

Uh, are we done?

Colleen?

Colleen?

Oh, no.

Oh, God. It's soaking wet.

You see that? Oh.

Ugh!

All right, go play.

Ah, shit.

No, no, no, no, no. Do not eat that.

- Mommy. - You can't eat that.

Oh, my God. He keeps running away from me.

Larry!

What?

_

Okay.

Larry!

Again.

Again.

Again. Our turn. You ready?

Yes, Mom.

Oh, whee!

Fun.

Fun.

Fun.

Hey, Bridge.

Hi, are you at the movies without me?

Yeah, 'cause you bailed on me.

I'm in line getting popcorn alone.

Well, what was I supposed to do?

Leave my kid with depressed Tutu?

- Don't sound so sad, B. - Ugh.

- I'm just bummed. - Me too.

You know, I'm so bored, I think I'm dying.

Bridge, you're fine. You're not dying.

Fuck it, I'm just gonna come meet you. It's his nap time.

It's a cold one, huh?

They burned witches at the stake not far from here.

Imagine being burned alive.

That water looks nice.

Once we get inside, you gotta fall asleep, okay?

Okay, oh, Jesus. Sorry!

Oh, God, are you okay?

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry. I was just late for the movie!

What the hell is that? Did you hear that?

Do you think I'm a terrible mother

for finding my kid kind of boring?

Honestly. Like, not my kid specifically,

but just motherhood in general.

Tsk. Hell no. Of course not.

And I'm not a bad friend

for thinkin' that you talkin' about motherhood is boring.

- Is that you? - Well...

...would we be friends if we never met in food group?

- No. - Probably not.

There's so much blood!

Well, she's dead.

Funny, fat friend already died.

Slut's always next to go.

Okay, first of all,

she's not the slut... She's wearing khakis.

Sluts don't wear khakis.

The one with the Big Gulp, that's the slut.

You know only sluts drink soda.

Shh! Shh!

This movie can't be good for kids.

Yeah, well, it's worse for women.

They're the only ones getting killed.

There's a reason it's rated R.

He has been asleep this whole time.

And you know what? What the fuck business

is it of yours?

- I just think... - Reclaiming my time.

- What are you... - Reclaiming my time.

- I just think... you know, I... - Boop.

Is he yours?

You're doing God's work, staying with him.

Yep, bye.

See you.

- You just wake up? - Mm-hmm.

I don't wanna wake up.

Why are you grabbing your penis?

Okay, well, you gotta use the big boy potty, okay?

- Why? No. - Yeah, you have to.

I really wanted to see this girl die.

Hurry back. She's putting up a good fight.

Is there a problem?

I gave the teller my ID

and I just wanna close out my savings account, that's all.

It's okay, miss, no.