Michael Ian Black: Noted Expert

Hi.

I'm noted expert Michael Ian Black,

and welcome to my stand-up comedy special,

and if I do say so myself,

it does look pretty special.

We're gonna have a lot of fun tonight.

I've got some jokes, some stories,

and maybe even a surprise or two,

and of course, we're gonna keep it clean.

Because even though I'm a celebrated actor, writer,

and comedian,

my most important role is husband and father.

Well, I thought it might be fun to kick things off

with a music montage of puppies licking my face.

* My cold heart

* Will listen to what you say

- My face, you lick my goddamn face.

The dog was supposed to lick my face.

Get me a goddamn dog that licks my face.

Somebody get this butter off my face.

I have very sensitive skin. Get this butter off my face.

* Heaven depart

- Where's that next puppy? You're not a puppy.

Who are you? This is a full-grown dog.

No, I'm not interested in you licking my face.

Don't fucking snort at me.

This dog's practically dead. That's how old it is.

It's practically dead.

Okay, I'm done. I'm done.

Take them, take them.

I'm done. Take it, take it.

Somebody get me a lint roller. I feel disgusted.

Welcome Michael Ian Black!

*

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thanks, everybody.

Thank you so much for being a part of this.

It means the world to me.

I'm not feeling as confident as I sometimes

do when I do comedy

because I have not been doing stand-up comedy for, like,

the last year or year and a half 'cause

I've been so busy with my day job,

which is getting television shows canceled.

And you know what, you guys,

and I'm not saying this to brag, it's a job I'm pretty good at.

You know what it is,

sometimes I feel like I'm just a vessel,

you know what I mean, and,

like, God is canceling television shows through me.

Does that makes sense, you guys?

You guys, does that makes sense?

I have been on so many canceled television shows,

many of which I created, which is even worse.

I have been canceled more than flights

out of your local airport.

I have closed more shows

than Walter Kerr...

Who was a theater critic, um,

born in 1913,

wrote for the "New York Herald-Tribune."

Listen to me, you guys.

I am the only nationally touring comedian

making regular references to Walter Kerr in his act.

That is the kind of edgy shit you can expect all night.

Not even the great comedian Louis "Se-Kay"

has the cojones

to get up on a stage and open his act

with a reference to Walter motherfucking Kerr,

and that is why he is successful and I am not.

And if you think that's the last Walter Kerr reference

you're gonna hear tonight, no.

I'm on a new television show

right now called "The Jim Gaffigan Show."

It's a good show. If you haven't seen it,

it's "The Jim Gaffigan Show."

You guys know who he is, right?

He's one of the best comedians in the world,

and it's based on his life,

and he has a complicated life

'cause he's got five kids, and he looks like that,

and I am on the show.

"Oh, which gay character do you play, Michael?"

Listen, you guys.

A lot of people assume that if I'm on a show,

I must play the gay guy 'cause

I fucked Bradley Cooper in a sport shed one time.

But when you make those kind of assumptions, frankly,

it's demeaning to me as an actor

because my range is much broader than that.

For example, on "The Jim Gaffigan Show,"

I play his wife's best friend...

Who is gay,

and the thing is, I'm not gay.

Like, I just kiss men

and pretend to have sex with men for money,

but that's not why I'm right for the part.

I'm right for the part because my character

on "The Jim Gaffigan Show" hates kids,

and I have kids,

so I know what it's like to hate kids.

I have two kids, and they're whatever.

Really, you know, I have one of each.

I mean, they're both white. I mean, I have a boy and a girl.

It's very interesting

when you have one of each because what you learn

is that sexism in the culture starts immediately.

Like, as soon as they're born,

they are subjected to sexism.

So, like, when my son was born,

'cause he was first, people would come to the house,

and they would meet him when he was a toddler or whatever,

and they'd be like, "Oh, there's your son.

Oh, what a stout young lad he is."

You know, I mean, nobody ever said,

"What a stout young lad he is," but you know what I mean.

They'd ruffle his hair a little bit, you know,

punch him in the face, and it was great.

But then they would meet my daughter,

and it was totally different.

You know, they'd come over, and they'd be like,

"Oh, there's your little princess.

Oh, what a little angel she is."

And then they would always say this one weird phrase

which you will recognize.

Inevitably, somebody would turn to my daughter

and say, "She's gonna be trouble.

"Oh, no, I can tell just by looking at her.

She is gonna be trouble."

And that is a really weird fucking thing

to say to a toddler

because, like, in their heads,

I guess they mean it as a compliment,

but what I'm hearing is, "Oh,

"she's gonna suck a lot of dicks.

"Oh, no, I can tell just by looking at her.

She's gonna be a giant fucking whore."

'Cause what else could that mean?

What other kind of trouble could they be talking about

that she's gonna get into that my son isn't?

Do they mean, like, academic trouble?

Is that what they mean?

Like, "She's gonna commit plagiarism.

"Oh, no, I can tell just by looking at her.

"She is gonna claim another student's research as her own."

Do they mean, like, the Troubles,

like, in Northern Ireland?

Like, "She's gonna join the IRA."

"And they'd be lucky to have her.

They'd be fucking lucky to have her."

No, they mean sexual trouble.

To my toddler,

they're projecting their own weird sexual shit

onto my little girl,

and it's so offensive, and it's sexist.

I mean, I have a son.

He's not gonna suck a lot of dicks?

Fuck you.

Any son of mine is gonna suck a lot of dicks.

It's how we raise our kids, you guys.

I feel very strongly about that.

Say what you want about me, I'm not a sexist.

I'm a feminist. I am a proud feminist.

It's why I let my wife work.

I think it's important.

No, what I'm saying, I have my job.

She's got her little job.

Like, we both-- well, you guys, no.

What I'm saying is, like, I'm a comedian.

She is an orthopedic surgeon,

and it's adorable.

That's a joke.

I do not let my wife work.

So, yeah, I'm married,

married now for 17 years, everybody.

Thank you.

Three different women.

Just the one,

just the same goddamn one.

How do you do it, Michael?

How do you do it?

How do you manage to keep your marriage so strong

in spite of all your personal and professional failings?

It's a great question.

Here's what I've learned

about keeping a relationship going.

In my case, like, I had to learn

how to speak my wife's language

because she only speaks in Zen riddles,

like the riddles that Zen masters

give to their disciples.

That's how my wife speaks to me.

You know, like, what is the sound of one hand clapping?

That's, like, a good example of, like, a Zen riddle.

I don't know. I don't know what the answer to that is,

and I don't want to think about it.

Here's an example of a Zen riddle

that my wife gave to me.

We're eating dinner.