Undateable

What's the giant emergency?

Shannon's moving out.

Don't do this, Shannon. What we have is real.

Don't do this to us.

I'm getting married.

Yeah, but what about our motorcycle club... Dos Lobos?

See you around, Danny.

All right, but I swear...

If you walk out that door, I will not take you ba...

Okay, but if you start that car,

then I will not take you ba...

Okay, but if you do a cute honk

and then reverse out of the driveway, I will...

Ah!

Can't you just get one

of your other adorable man-child friends to move in?

But all my friends are buried...

Married.

I-I-I said "buried." I meant "married."

Oh, you met someone.

She seems smart. Is she a doctor?

She made me feel better.

Danny, I don't want to sound like mom,

but you got to find a purpose... something greater

than just satisfying your own shallow desires.

Oh, you're serious?

This was acceptable in your 20s,

but you are pushing 30, and it's getting creepy.

And creepy sticks. It's like herpes. It's for life.

All right, look, no one wants to be the 40-year-old guy

who goes to the bar alone,

and you don't have to be that, Danny.

You have so much potential.

You're absolutely sure that herpes is for life?

I'm out of here like a herd of turtles.

Les, I know that you're just trying to help,

but, like, I'm happy.

I mean, you see this?

This is on my face, like, all day.

I'll try to get rid of it for a second.

Watch.

Yeah, can't do it, man.

Well, good luck with the roommate hunt.

Shannon gave me hookups to a guy who needs a room.

He's, uh... he's a cool dude.

He owns a bar.

Hey, are you gonna see her again?

No.

All right, I'm keeping it.

What the hell?

You must be Danny.

Killer pipes, man.

Yeah, I went to choral camp every summer as a kid,

and I was the first male Annie.

No big deal. I just cruised down on my bike.

You ride? Did you see my bike out front?

Oh, no way. That's your bike out there?

Wow, that bike's a major panty-dropper.

I can't wait to get on the road with you.

Dos Lobos.

Vámonos.

Burrito. I don't know Spanish.

You know what? That's a little awkward.

Um, I wasn't planning on seeing your penis on the first day.

What do you think?

- I don't know why I said that. - No, it's cool.

I get caught up in the moment.

All right, now. Here we go. Come on.

Okay. We are going.

The end.

No, no, this is the beginning, dude.

Whoops.

Hey, so what's this bar called, anyway?

Black Eyes.

Black Guys?

No, Black Eyes.

Like, if you get in a fight, there might be a few black eyes.

Uh, well, if you get into a fight,

you better hope that there aren't a few black guys.

Justin, come here.

Hey.

Is the guy you named the bar after?

Bro, shell can't even get his name out around girls now. Mm.

A girl in my piano class asked me my name,

and all I could get out was, "shh."

It's a bummer 'cause I'm actually pretty smooth

when it comes to male strangers.

Go on, stud muffin. Try me.

I'm happy to help. What's your name, man?

Shelly.

See? Easy-peasy.

You're so lucky you're gay.

Whenever you want to hook up with a dude,

you just go up, and you pull on his noodle

like a doorbell chain.

Brett just came out a few weeks ago,

and I am just so proud of you, sweetie,

but if you don't get off your butt

and start working right now, I'm gonna kick it.

Okay.

So, uh, do you mind if I get a drink, too?

Don't bother. I know lots of guys like you.

Are they all thirsty?

No, they're like the cocky player type.

I always end up with those guys.

I mean, I wish I could fall for a classy guy.

Like what? Like a British dude?

Like a guy like this?

Like a dude that just comes up to you

and makes you feel good in your pants region?

Is that what it is?

Maybe you and me can go to the library

and check out a bunch of books.

Oh, fellas, it is on.

Yeah, I can see her uterus glowing like E.T.'s finger.

Zuhhhhhhhhhhh.

All right, stop it. Okay? You're adults.

So, what, he just does a bad British accent,

and she likes that?

Whatever. I don't care.

Is she kissing his neck?

Seems like you do care.

Welcome to the Dan cave.

Keys are right there. Thanks.

Hey, so I saw you talking to Nicki at the bar.

You should know that... that me and her are kind of like...

Soft-shoe tap partners?

We're not, like, together.

You know, I'm still kind of waiting to make my move.

How long you been waiting?

Only since I hired her.

So, what's today... Friday?

So, like, 80 weeks.

It just needs to be the right moment.

- Which is what? - I don't know.

It's not like I'm up thinking about it all the time, you know?

But it'd have to be earlier in the week.

But not too early so I seem desperate...

like a Tuesday... In the fall...

'Cause that's when my wardrobes are the strongest.

But early fall so I still kind of have a tan.

At dusk... magic hour.

I'm behind the bar washing a glass.

She comes out, like, "what are you doing?"

I'm like, "washing a glass."

She's like, "do you need help?"

I'm like, "yeah, that's your job."

Then she walks over. "Take on me" starts playing.

I sing along casually,

but hitting the high notes 'cause I can.

Then I go in for the kiss, and right then, I pull away,

get myself a beer, walk out the door,

letting her know that she can't have a guy like me.

When do you have sex in this fantasy?

I'm sorry, Fonzie.

We don't all have your confidence with women.

Excuse me.

You think I just came out of my mom's womb

just crushing ass?

I've had many teachers...

All helping mold the sexual juggernaut

that you see standing right here before you.

Are you aware of how douchey you sound?

Negative thoughts just bounce right off me, bro.

Who were your teachers?

No one.

No one?

Oh, my God.

Justin, you need me.

Words cannot express

how strongly I disagree with that statement.

Look, I get it, you know.

You're scared, and change is hard, baby bird,

but I'm gonna help you mend those broken wings.

I'm gonna be the father bird and just feed you knowledge.

Aah!

Consider this your acceptance speech

to Danny Burton University.

DBU!

You're insane.

Those are negative thoughts,

and I'm just gonna ignore 'em and come in for the hug.

- Arms up. - I don't want a hug.

No hug. Come on.

I do not need a mentor.

I know, you wouldn't think so, right? You're young.

You own a bar. You sing like an angel.

You're adorable. Right?

Yeah, your face is a six, but your body's a seven.

Look, you got the juice, buddy.

You just don't know how to use the juice.

I know how to use the juice.

Then use the juice.

Use the juice, and I'll lay off you, okay?

I swear on our Lobo code.

Fine.

Better get your raincoat, muchacho.

It's about to get super juicy up in here.

Oh! God.

Sweetie, be careful. I almost bitch-slapped you.