The Big Bang Theory

I wish you could all be inside my head.

The conversation is sparkling.

Fine, I'll tell you.

A lichen is an organism made up of two separate species,

fungi and algae.

If you could merge with another species,

what species would you pick and why?

Hint: There is a right answer.

None of you will get it.

Okay, I'd pick swan because, uh, the resulting hybrid

would have the advanced industrial civilization

of a human and the long graceful neck

I've always dreamed of having.

Wrong. Leonard?

Horse, but mostly just for the height.

A little bit for the genital girth.

Wrong, and let's keep it clean, shall we?

Kangaroo, uh,

I'd be Kanga-Jew.

The first of my people to dunk a basketball. (chuckles)

Also instead of just living in your mother's house,

you could actually live inside her body.

Clever, but also wrong.

No, the best organism for human beings to merge with

is the lichen itself.

That way, you'd be human, fungus, and algae.

Triple threat.

Like three-bean salad.

Give me one circumstance in which that would be useful.

All right, picture this:

a beautiful outdoor concert.

Now, as a human, I appreciate Beethoven.

As a fungus, I have a terrific view,

growing out of a towering maple tree.

And no thank you, expensive concessions.

Because as an algae, I'll just snack on this sunlight.

- He got us again. - No, he didn't.

Anyway, if it's okay with you,

we should talk about Howard's bachelor party.

Oh, oh.

Seems like a bit of a letdown

after our lichen conversation, but...

What do you know, you're half swan.

I've been doing some research on strippers.

One agency I spoke to, said I could get us a great price

if we're flexible on age range and number of limbs.

Sounds like loads of fun,

but I promised Bernadette no strippers.

You don't want strippers? You're the king of strippers.

The one club in North Hollywood named a pole after you.

What can I tell ya-- I'm not into that stuff anymore.

Good for you, Howard. I'm proud of you.

And still, you're the first one of use to get married.

We have to do something special.

You know Germans have an interesting pre-wedding custom--

Well, it's probably not for me.

Maybe we can go up to Napa Valley.

They've got that wine train.

Boo, wine!

But yay, trains. I'm in.

Anyway, it's a beautiful time of year.

Uh, you travel through the vineyards.

There's a tasting on board.

And all the wildflowers are in bloom.

Magic.

Look at that, in 30 seconds,

we went from hiring women to being them.

The Big Bang Theory 5x22 The Stag Convergence Original Air Date on April 26, 2012

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

So, I hear you and the lost boys are having

a bachelor party tonight.

Yeah, just going to a restaurant, get some steaks,

and scotch. Nothing to worry about. Why should I worry?

Well, I don't know. It's a bachelor party.

There could be strippers.

Wouldn't that make you a little jealous?

Oh, come on Leonard, it's you. What's going to happen?

I mean, even if there was a stripper,

all you'd do is avoid eye-contact

and maybe offer to help her kid with his homework.

Hey, I am a young man in his sexual prime.

Under the right conditions, I-I-I am capable of just,

really crazy stuff.

Really? What is the craziest thing

you've ever done with a woman?

And the time you and I had sex in the ocean does not count.

Oh, come on. That's got to count.

There was a really strong undertow, we could have died.

Well, have fun tonight.

Oh, I will.

There is no telling what might happen.

: Yeah, there is.

You know, there's nothing wrong helping

some woman's kid get through their S.A.T.'s.

Hey, I got to hand it to Raj,

He found a really nice spot to have a bachelor party.

It's not bad.

Unless you compare it to a train; then it stinks.

Are you drinking whiskey?

Indeed.

If I'm to participate in the social convention

that is the stag night, then I must embrace all its components:

including tobacco, swear words, and yes, alcohol.

Jeepers! That's yucky.

Whoa, it's a little early to start

dropping J-bombs, don't you think?

Hey, you guys.

Oh, hey, Wil. Nice of you to make it out tonight for Howard.

Well, it was either this or another

hot tub party at George Takei's house.

I'm confused.

I thought since our reconciliation,

I was your friend in this group.

Oh, I'm friends with Howard too.

Oh!

I guess you're just friends with anybody.

Aah!

Hey, uh, Leonard...

things are a little tight at the comic book store.

I might need some help covering my share of the check.

Oh, yeah, no worries.

And maybe a few bucks for the valet.

Oh, all right.

And gas money to get home.

Yeah, sure. Great.

You know what? This is my grandfather's watch.

Oh.

18-carat gold, got it in Europe during the war.

Wow, that's very nice. Mm-hmm.

100 bucks and it's yours.

Hey, everybody!

The bachelor boy has arrived!

Yes, yes, yes. He's a jolly good fellow.

What time do the strippers arrive?

Actually, Barry, we're not going to have strippers tonight.

Ah, then what the frig did I get 200 dollars in singles out for?

You want to buy a watch?

This is Maid of Honor Amy Farrah Fowler,

bringing you the wedding activities

just weeks out from the big day.

Let's check in with a beautiful, radiant young woman,

and her friend who's about to get married.

Ladies, can you tell us what you're doing?

Um, these are gift bags

we're going to put in the hotel rooms of our out-of-town guests.

This is a map of Pasadena.

This is a list of local restaurants.

And then, for Howie's relatives,

we have antihistamines, antacids,

and medicine for diarrhea and constipation.

Yeah, we labeled them "stop and go."

All right, pivoting to the big question:

Bernadette, on your wedding night

you'll be consummating your marriage.

What do you think your first sexual position will be

as husband and wife?

Amy, please.

Keeping in mind that whoever's on top

may set the tone for the marriage.

Okay, show's over.

Hey, they may conceive a child on their wedding night.

Don't you think the kid might get a kick

out of knowing how it happened?

I don't care.

Ask her things like "Are you going to take Howard's name?"

Not "Who's going to sit on who."

I've actually been thinking I'm going to hyphenate:

Bernadette Maryann Rostenkowski-Wolowitz.

Nice.

You know, you should totally get

before someone snaps it up.

Howard already took care of it.

Plus, he set up our beautiful wedding Web site

with cute little facts about our family histories.

Do you know, for a while in Poland,

my family and his family were neighbors.

Oh, that's cool.

No, it's not. I'll explain it to you later.

May I have your attention, please?

We are hear tonight to celebrate the upcoming nuptials

of my best friend Howard Wolowitz.

Hear! Hear!

And, apparently, Wil Wheaton's best friend.

Sheldon...

Talk to the hand.

Does anyone have any words

they'd like to say about our man of the evening?

I do.

As is the tradition,

I have prepared a series of disrespectful jokes

which generate humor at Howard's expense.

Prepare to have your ribs tickled... (clears throat)

Howard... I always thought you'd be the last one of us

to ever get married, because you are so short and unappealing.

Am I right?

Let's see here.

Oh, seriously though, Howard,