Modern Family

- Morning, mom. - Good morning, papi.

*** day. Am I right, Jay?

Your days ends at 2:30.

Can't come fast enough.

Quitting time. Am I right, Jay?

Let's not make this a thing.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What is this?

Where's my soft-boiled egg?

I scrambled it.

It's good for you to try new things.

I don't want to try new things.

You can't just spring this on me.

I have bad news, Manny.

This is not the biggest curve ball

that life is going to throw you.

Buddy, don't close yourself off from new things.

I ever tell you the story about me and crab cakes?

Thought I didn't like them, tried them, love them.

Wow.

Are the movie rights available for that one?

Dunphy spring classic.

Who's gonna do the dishes for the next week?

Boys versus girls.

Testosterone versus estrogen.

Standing up to pee versus the squat.

Phil, come on!

Swing and a miss.

- Ohh. - He's in her head, Luke.

And boys rule and girls drool.

You drool all the time.

Mom had to take you to a specialist.

I'm still growing into my tongue.

Hey, mom, can I go to the movies with Robin?

No, you may not, 'cause you are still grounded.

Then can I be sent to my room?

No, 'cause we're having some fun family time.

We're gonna spend this beautiful afternoon

outside in the fresh air, getting some exercise, okay?

Pitch it, Phil.

Oh, well.

That's the game.

What do you mean? We just started.

That was our only ball.

So what?

The game's over just because you're afraid

of stupid Mr. Kleezak?

Yep. I'm not going over there.

That was fun.

If Hannibal Lecter and Freddy Krueger had a love child,

he would be afraid of our next-door neighbor.

I don't have a mean thing to say about anyone,

but Mr. Kleezak is...

not a nice person.

Easy, honey.

- Hey, Haley. - Oh, hey, Uncle Mitchell.

- Hey, is your mom home? - No.

She had to take Alex to the oncologist.

Oh, my God, what's wrong?

She needed new glasses.

- Oh. Did you mean optometrist? - Whatever.

- So, should I give her a message? - Yes, yes.

Could you ask her if she could possibly babysit Lily

on Saturday night?

We'd really, really appreciate it.

Saturday night, we're having dinner

with Pepper, Longinus, and Crispin.

They're our gay friends.

I think that was clear.

I've been spending a lot of time

with a lot of straight people lately.

And, darling, I need a night with my homies.

- You mean homos. - Okay. Yeah.

You know what? Maybe you should stay in and babysit.

Yeah, our babysitter bailed,

and we're kind of in a bind, so...

I can do it. I can watch Lily.

I'm really good. I'm babysitting Luke right now.

Oh, yeah?

You want... you want to babysit Lily?

Oh, well, that's very sweet, honey,

but you're... you're a very popular girl.

I'm sure you have better things to do, so...

Oh, seriously, I'm totally free.

Being grounded is so much worse than it was in the olden days.

My friends text and Facebook all the fun stuff they're doing

while I'm stuck at home playing jenga with my dad.

Are you serious?

You don't even have to pay me.

I promise I'll take super good care of her.

Okay, well, that would be great. Thank you.

Yes, well, we'll see you on Saturday night.

Bye, sweetie. Bye.

Luke?

Luke?

What are you thinking?!

Haley is a very sweet and fashionable girl,

but seems hardly a responsible caregiver!

Well, you know what? We needed a sitter.

She's family. I say we give her a shot.

A shot? Oh, with our only child?

Sure, why not?

If something goes wrong,

we'll just pop over to the orient and grab another one.

What?

My name is Luke Dunphy. I live next door.

What do you want?

I want to get our ball from your yard.

I don't want you messing around back there.

Just go home.

- Are you going scuba diving? - Hmm?

Why do you have that tank?

You being smart?

You mean in school? Well, I do okay.

My teacher says I get distracted.

Why do you have that tube in your nose?

For fun.

Really? Can I try?

It's oxygen.

We have that in our house, but we don't need tanks.

Oh, for God's sake, just get your ball.

Okay.

Oh my God!

I was watching the news,

and another flock of birds fell out of the sky dead.

What is happening?

Sweetie, you got to stop watching the news.

That's your big solution... embrace ignorance?

What are you two arguing about?

Never mind, I don't want to know.

Be back in a couple hours.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, where you going?

To my friend Walt's house to watch "High noon."

Ooh, I love westerns... the bloodier, the better.

That's my favorite type of movie...

That and anything set against the backdrop

of competitive cheerleading.

Is Walt the one who's always skateboarding?

No. Where would he put his oxygen tank?

Okay, now I'm really confused.

You sound like Walt.

He gets confused a lot. It's hilarious.

- Wait, are we talking about Mr. Kleezak? - Yeah.

I went over to his house to get my ball,

and we've been hanging out.

You were in Mr. Kleezak's house?

Luke, that is not okay.

Why not?

He's really nice and funny.

Listen to this joke.

Okay, two krauts walk into a bar.

Phil, this is not good.

Honey, don't jump to conclusions.

Let him finish the joke.

And one of them has a limp.

Uh-huh. You may not go back to that man's house.

- Why not? - Because... he's weird.

- And not very nice. - Yeah.

That's what you said about my friend Oliver.

Oliver. Oliver who almost burned down our garage?

He likes to melt stuff. Like you're so perfect.

Luke, I'm sorry, but your mother and I

just aren't comfortable with this.

That's so unfair.

You don't even know him

'cause you're too afraid to talk to him.

Buddy, we're just looking out for you.

You never like any of my friends.

We're doing the right thing.

Absolutely.

Aren't we?

I don't know. I mean, he makes a point.

We don't know the man,

and little kids can be friends with old people, right?

Of course they can. There's tons of examples.

"Up," um, "Gran Torino," "True grit."

Cartoon, kills himself, she loses an arm.

We've got to go talk to that guy.

- Now? - Yeah.

It's so dark.

Okay, so, the numbers are by the phone.

There's food in the fridge.

I just changed her diaper, so all you need to do

is put her down in about a half-hour

and not let a serial killer in the front door.

Well, what if he's cute?

Then save him for us.

Nobody in, nobody out.

Oh, we're gonna be totally fine.

You just go get your gay on.

Oh, it is on like Donkey Kong.

Well, clearly it's not on yet, but it will be.

- Thanks. - So, okay, come on. Let's go.

I'm telling you, kid,

this is a concert you're never gonna forget.

Mm-hmm.

Greatest music in the world.

Wait a minute. What's this?

What do you mean?

What are we seeing?

- The symphony "The four seasons." - I thought we were seeing