Sons of Tucson

Sons of Tucson S01E01 -= Pilot =-

Gugasms & elderman English version: elderman & honeybunny

I'm happy.

Well Gina, listen to me, I'm fine all right. I landed on my feet.

I got a great new place, I'm there right now actually.

Umhmm. Aw, it's in a great neighborhood. Lots of natural light.

Listen I gotta go, I'm on the other line okay?

Say hi to the new boyfriend for me. Bye.

Tony, sorry about that, it was the ex.

Poor thing just can't move on, you know what I mean?

All right look Tony, Tony, calm down, listen.

Just give me until the end of business tomorrow

and I'll have your $2,000, okay.

Well that's just really mean.

All right... look, look, look, I'm picking up these antique toy soldiers,

their mint, they're worth way more than $2,000, trust me.

Hey, I'm at the dentist, can I call you back?

Oh, Tony! Hey, you're here... Why didn't you...uh...

That's a really great shirt you're having.

- Just give me till the end of tomorrow. - Noon.

Ok, noon, yeah...

This is the guy I was talking about. Ron Snuffkin.

Watch me.

- He's a creep! - Exactly, he's perfect.

We're working too hard. Let's just put an ad on Craig's list.

Wanted. Father for three boys. Bam, we're done.

Good idea! A foot race between t he pervs and child services.

- Bam! We're screwed. - I liked my "Bam" better.

- It's an excellent choice. - I'm seeing butt-crack.

- Are we this desperate? - Shoe-lace untied.

Yes, we are. We've been over a hundred people, now. We need a dad today.

Let's just spread out and watch him.

Oh, sorry I'm late, folks. I have some good news.

Just got the new BowFlex in. Something to think about, ma'am?

Can I speak to your manager?

You don't wanna do that. What's going on?

You told me these sleeping-bags are rated at 10 below.

My family almost froze to death.

- And you, you all wore the thermals? - You never mentioned it.

You have to keep your wrist loose.

I'm sure I did. You can check the security footage if you like.

Unfortunately, I have to pass this on to another service rep,

I'm dealing with a bit of a personal crysis.

Yeah? And what's that?

My brother and his wife and kids, they live in Seattle.

They just got hurt pretty, pretty badly...

at a lumber-jack event.

A chain-saw kicked up on them...

And I need to catch a flight up there right now, at the ICU.

Intensive Care Unit...

I hate to keep you from your choped-up relatives,

but you think you can exchange this rollerblades?

- Before you head to the airport... - My God. Have some compassion.

Alright, people, this is it for me.

Sara Beth will help you back in about an hour.

Pardon me, Sir. Got a minute?

I'm on break, boys. It'll have to wait.

- What are you doing? - Hpw you feel about

- lying for money? - Keep talking.

- We need a dad for the day. - Say what?

Wait, first, if you could have dinner with any person in history

- what would you eat? - Not sure, but it would be wrapped in bacon.

He's good.

- We'll give you $200 for an hour's work. - $200? What do I have to do?

Fake out the school secretary, pretend to be our dad

- and sign us up for school. - Ron, is there a problem out here?

No, no problem, Eric. Thank you, it's all good.

There are several people just standing in line at the customer's service.

Hey, did you check the suggestion box?

I filled up one of the comment cards.

- Nice! - Yeah. Go get it!

So are you in, Ron?

Can we just slow this down for a second? I don't even know your guys names.

Gary, Brandon, Robby.

Details are all in there. Be at school by noon.

Wear a suit.

- I don't have a suit. - We can give you one of dad's old ones.

He's not gonna need it any time soon.

Ok, I'm gonna be honest with you guys,

- You kinda scare me a little right now. - No problem.

We'll find someone else who wants to do some easy money. Come on.

See ya. Don't tell the police about us.

Hey, hey, hey! Wait a sec!

Listen! I am interested, ok, but...

Alright, step a bit aside.

What is the deal with your real dad?

We're not gonna get into that.

- You guys didn't kill him, did you? - No!

- Did he kill someone? - He's a banker!

Oh, so he's in prison?

Oh my God, he's in prison. What was it? Mortgages, mail fraud, what?

It was a stock thing. 25 years.

He sorta stole from the rich and gave to some other rich.

From who later he stole again but not as much.

Brandon, shut up! And it's not gonna be 25 years!

He's gonna escape anyway.

- Right. - Look, man,

we don't wanna end up being foster kids, so please, keep your mouth shut?

OK, alright, so where's mom?

- She left a long time ago. - And you guys are really on yor own?

Probably living in a car or something?

- Who does that? - No one.

Our dad kept an investment home in cash over ***.

We made it all the way here by ourselves from Jersey.

Robby ***

Those beans were mine.

Make a break time, Ron. What do you say? $200 for an hour's work?

Alright, boys, let's play house.

This suit is not cut well.

Have you been in a suit that is cut well?

Don't worry about the suit. It's all about the walk, okay?

A good model can sell a garbage bag.

- Hiya. - Hi!

So, good looking bunch you got there.

- Oh, don't I know it? It's all their mother. - Where is mom?

Still in picture?

No...

No, she never left the "Big Easy",

New Orleans... You've heard of it?

It's a great town. Great great town. It's a shame we had to live,

but nevertheless it's a town that haunts our every moment,

I mean the biys dream of flood waters every night,

Me myself was strung with addictions to anti-psychotics, meta-amphetamines,

When my bride... ***, as she called her,

When she...When she passed... We got.. We just...

It's ok.

Is it?

Yeah, just give a shout when you're done and you guys'd be good to go.

Oh, that sounds wonderful, thank you.

Down stick. That's how it's done.

I gotta ask. Did you have that Katrina thing going in, or did it just come up?

- No, no, I was just getting in the zone. - You just missed our turn.

Yeah, I know, I lied to you. We gotta do a quick stop.

Ron!

Look, I just gotta show my grandma that I got a family now. That's all.

We got a little falling out a few years ago, a disagreement where the country was headed.

She's not doing so well now and I feel guilty

About calling her an Eisenhower doucebag.

So what do you kids say? You wanna help cheer an old lady before she dies?

I'm out of here.

- What the hell are you doing? - ***!

That is insane! Ok, everybody just calm the hell down!

We're gonna just pay a little visit to an old lady. That is all.

Alright. Let's make this quick.

I'm not going!

We'll wait here. Point to us. We'll wave and smile.

Ok, fine. Wave good.

We chose the wrong dad!

We could have gone with that biker guy I picked out.

- He was black, Brandon! - You have no imagination.

What if mom was albina?

- Go to hell! - I can't yet!

- I have kids to raise. - You don't have kids!

I do, they're with me right now, in fact, okay?

And I wanna tell you I love them each so much,

They're so special, it's just they open my eyes to something new every day,

They just...

Stole my car! Unbelieveable! Kids!

No driving!

Okay! Well done!

I just want you to know that you really disappointed Ethel, okay?

Another thing. This is $180. You short me 20, you short stack.

We deducted my $20 you took off the floor.

Oh, I didn't think you saw that.

So, huh, this is a pretty decent setup you got going on here.

What are we looking at, like, 3,000 square feet?

What's the temp like inside?

We're busy, Ron.

Yeah, yeah, I know. Me, too.

Why don't you guys just let me come in and hang out

for little bit, huh? The AC's out at my place.

That place?

Yeah, it's temporary, okay?

Look, you guys, I took

sick day to come and help you.

The least you could do is invite me in.

Ron, we're fine on our own.

Yeah, loser!

Okay, look, guys, let's just...

Ron, our dad was a major player

in the banking world. You sell balls.

See a difference there?

Little bit, maybe?

What the... ? Who threw that?!

Have fun with that.

You can keep the bicyclette.

Oh, brother.

? ?

What in the world is going on 4out here?!

Get your hot links!

Bratwurst! Polish sausage!

We only have hot dogs. We're selling dreams, Robby.

What are you doing? Nobody cleared this booth with me.

We are supposed to be keeping a low profile.

You're the one who's always talking about trying to fit in.

This will give us a perfect chance to meet new people.

Let them get to know us... through our meats.

I'll have a bratwurst.

See?

Coming right up.