Things Like This

Are you leaving?

I was gonna make us cookies.

- I'm on a diet, green juice and that's it.

- Okay, (laughs) you're always on a diet.

- It's called being healthy,

not like you know anything about that.

- It's called hating everything good

about life, like cookies.

- Listen, there's something

that we need to talk about.

Okay, don't tell me

that you hate sex now, too.

No, I don't hate sex.

Okay, good.

I just hate it with you.

Oh.

- It's nothing personal, I'm just now realizing it,

I'm not physically attracted to you.

You're really just not my type.

- No, I get it, it's like I'm cool, but I'm ugly.

I didn't say that.

But you meant it.

Just to me.

I'm sure there are plenty of guys out there

that'll find you attractive, I'm just not one of them.

Wow.

- I think it's just, like, the fact

that I'm much hotter than you.

Like, normally with most guys, we're both hot,

but with you, I'm just, like, the prize.

You're like a Winnie-the-Pooh, adorable but with a tummy,

and you never have pants on.

I just wanted you to understand where I was coming from

because I'd be an asshole if I didn't explain it.

- Right, right, right, right, you'd be an asshole

if you didn't tell me how much I suck.

- Exactly, see? - Yeah.

I'm glad you get it.

I mean, it'd be one thing

if you had a great personality, but-

- Oh, this is a really good talk.

You're funny, but you're rude,

and you really shouldn't be rude if you're fat.

Leave now.

- You see, you're trying to kick me out

when I'm just trying to give you some honesty.

- You're right, I'm the asshole here.

Well, goodbye, Zack.

I hope you can get your life together.

I hope you live a happy life

with all the green juice you desire.

I hate men.

- I mean, he's not wrong, sorry, just,

you've been a little all over the place lately.

All right, I'll be honest, you're a mess.

You've turned into a complete degenerate, Zack.

A degenerate?

- Like, you're wearing clothes from middle school,

like that hat from Camp Bernstein.

You stopped going there when you were 14.

- Yeah, but I have great memories there, Kenny.

All right, well, you know,

can't you have great memories and get some new clothes?

If I hadn't walked in on you fucking a dude on my couch,

I would have never guessed that you are gay.

- Well, I am, and also I'm sorry,

and also I'm sorry I never said sorry until right now.

Hey, it was two years ago.

I'm sorry.

All right, look, I love you,

but this whole thing you got going on is really not okay.

You've got to seriously figure your life out,

and soon, because I'm tired of paying your rent.

- Yeah, but it's just until I sell my book-

- No, Zack, it's been a year, dude.

I've been paying it for a year. You've gotta get a job.

I've been looking for someone to manage my social media-

- No, no, I'd rather die, plus my 112 followers need me

to tell them about vampires, so.

- All right, well, then just find something

that makes you happy, please.

Miss Kitlin's office.

Yes, please hold.

Miss Kitlin's office.

Yes, of course, all right.

Miss Kitlin's office.

Yes, I will let her know.

Yes, of course, bye.

Lunch?

- I can't, Margie's got a client coming in during lunch.

Hmm, typical.

I will eat later.

You always say that.

I will.

Mm-mm, you need to eat.

You're looking like "Jack and the Beanstalk,"

and I'm not talking about Jack.

- I look like a beanstalk, hilarious.

What about drinks afterwards?

I'm meeting Eric.

Oh, are you still dating him?

He's my boyfriend.

- He's so boring, my god, he's so boring

that I daydream about sleeping when I'm talking to him.

It's not like he's a new guy.

We've been together for two years.

- And every day is another mistake.

That is just your opinion.

No, you think that too, okay?

You just date because he's safe, and guess what?

He won't break up with you and you love that

because you can't deal well with rejection.

How do you know that?

- Oh, please, I see how upset you get every day

when Margie hates on your ideas.

Well, I'm very happy, so.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah, deal with that.

- Okay, well, one day you're gonna be married

with four cats, with no plans

for the 12th Friday in a row except for Netflix

and that god-awful stew he makes.

Oh, god, not stew.

- Can you just trust me, okay, 'cause I can see the future.

That's why I'm your best friend. - Oh, you are?

Oh, yes, honey,

people just wish they were as lucky as you.

Uh-huh, I bet.

Zack, come in here.

Ooh, you gotta go, have fun.

Having so much fun.

Zack, sit.

Yes, Margie.

- There's a showcase tonight and I need you to go for me.

Yes, absolutely.

But they're paying me to go,

so the check that you get needs

to be on my desk tomorrow morning.

Yep, you've got it.

And Zack.

Yes, Margie?

Don't call in anyone.

I'm tired of you believing in people, it's exhausting.

- I don't get it, you've liked every single person

that I've brought in.

- Yes, and I haven't signed a single one of them.

And I don't understand why.

- And you'll never understand, just leave now.

You got it.

- Why'd you have to start dating an actress?

They're the worst.

- Oh, stop, she's cool, you'll like her.

Chances are I'll hate her.

I hated the last actress I met.

- Are you talking about the time you threw up

on Michelle Pfeiffer at brunch?

- She was so rude and I said I was sorry.

- You weren't even sitting near her.

- Okay, but I was trying to get outside,

and then she shrieked and screamed.

I hated her, I hate actresses,

and I don't know why you date them.

- Wait, what about me? You like me, right?

- Yes, Peter, I like you, you're not an actress.

- Yeah, but you'd still like me even

if I wasn't dating Chloe?

- Yeah, once again, you're not an actress

so it doesn't really make sense, okay?

Anyway, I'm gonna go get drunk.

- Do you mean you're gonna go get a drink?

I mean what I mean.