The Unicorn

His wife's funeral was almost a year ago,

and they're still living off the meals people made for them.

- Hey, Wade. - Hey, Tracy.

This man has no idea what catnip he is to these women.

You are a devoted father,

- you were a devoted husband. - You are a unicorn.

You know, that elusive creature that all single women are looking for?

Are you guys saying that all of these women are only into me

- because my wife died? - Yup!

You're factory-fresh, buddy.

Delia, I thought you were crazy telling the kids to watch

Chariots of Fire, but it was a huge success.

- They're all asleep. - Nice.

Hey, Forrest, uh, thanks for taking the girls bowling last night.

Yeah, my pleasure, man. Hey,

how was your date with Lori?

How did you know her name was Lori?

- Because you told me. - Nope.

No, no, I, uh, right, be...

I said, "You told me,"

but I was gesturing towards Delia, who actually told me.

- How did you know? - Hmm?

- Me? - Yeah.

Chelle... Michelle?

Forrest was on your dating app.

I'm not taking the fall for this one.

It wasn't just me. We all knew about Lori.

Yeah, but the rest of us knew not to say her name.

In fairness to all of us, we did help create the account,

- so it's kind of all of our account. - No, it isn't.

Plus, Wade, you're new to dating.

So we just wanted to make sure that when women check you out,

they see you in the best possible light.

Did you change my profile picture?

No, we did not change your profile picture.

We just found one that we liked so much better.

Just wanted you come off as cool and fun to be with.

- Yeah. - And that you know how to dress.

- Women love men who know how to dress. - Yeah.

Yeah, 'cause in the one that you had posted,

and I'm sure it was a mistake, you were doing pistol fingers.

And my favorite movie is not Love Actually.

Yeah, bro, but for "favorite movie"

you can't put "not really a movie guy."

But I'm not really a movie guy.

- No! - You can't put that!

Honestly, guys, I'm starting to think

that you don't trust me with my own life.

I know it's hard to hear, but

I'm glad we got that out on the table.

Look, I'm being serious.

I really need for you guys to respect my boundaries.

I mean, if I'm gonna have one food for the rest of my life,

it's not gonna be tiramisu.

That one is on me because it's like pudding with a secret.

We just wanted to spice it up a bit.

Sorry if we overstepped.

But, clearly, we were doing something right

- if you got matched up with Lori and Teresa... - Yes.

... and Shannon and...

Who Michelle told me about.

I'm not taking the fall.

- Take a fall. - No.

Hey, Dad, look. Guess what's coming back?

Passion Train.

Oh, that's... that's... that's great. What is it?

- It's a TV show. - We used to watch it with Mom.

- Oh, is it good? - No.

It's bad, but we used to curl up in bed with her

and laugh at how silly it was.

Well, I could watch it with you.

Yeah, no. You wouldn't get it. It's a girl thing.

Ah, well, uh, oh!

I know a girl you could watch it with: Delia.

Yeah...

- Michelle? - Yes!

- She's really fun. We should ask her. - Let's ask her.

- What are you doing? - I'm changing my dating profile.

My friends keep messing with it.

I mean, look at this. A quote by Maya Angelou?

I didn't pick that.

You don't like Maya Angelou?

Of course I do. Everybody loves Maya Angelou,

but I didn't pick it.

And now that I've read it,

I'm gonna keep it, but still, I should've picked it.

You know what?

I'm changing my password.

Oh, no.

Hi. I'm with a patient.

- He locked us out. - What?

I'm trying to log into his profile, it's not working.

- Did you try the word "password"? - Yes.

And then I tried Grace and then Natalie,

- and then I tried my birthday. Nothing! - Your birthday?

- Forrest, why would it be your birthday? - Because we're very close.

Wade is old-school. I guarantee you

he has his passwords written on a piece of paper.

You're saying we break into his house.

No, I'm saying he has a key under the door mat.

- He's old-school. - I blame Forrest.

He really blew it with that whole Lori thing.

Ben is the one who suggested Love Actually.

It's a good movie.

I don't know. I could never get into Hugh Grant, you know?

He's unassuming and likable, but he's better than me.

It is Wade's profile. I think we're done.

Are you saying we're just gonna give up?

I don't know if I can do that.

Let me just try, real quick,

my birthday plus the pound sign.

Damn.

Helen,

this is great pumpkin bread.

It's so moist.

How do you do that?

Uh, Nat, come on, you got soccer practice.

Coming!

So you look nice. You going out? Yeah.

- W... with a lady? - Yeah.

- Love you, Dad. - I love you, too.

So you aren't gonna give us any more than that?

Nope.

So the only intel that I could get from Michelle

is that Wade went on a date,

and when he pulled out of the driveway,

- he went west. - Mm-hmm.

Honey, is that another one of those boat magazines?

Yeah, yeah. Look at this 40-foot beauty right there.

Not an inch of fiberglass on this thing, all teak.

This is the one, right here.

- You know we can't afford a boat, right? - I know.

- Okay. But someday, when our ship comes in... - Uh-huh.

... that could be our ship.

But, sweetie, we live two hours from the ocean,

and you wouldn't be able to go to the bathroom on that boat

because you can't even go at the mall.

On a boat, it's called "the head."

- Okay. Thank you. - Okay.

Wade was a little hot under the collar today, huh?

Yeah, he was, but you know what,

honestly, I think we're driving him a little crazy.

Maybe we should trust his taste.

He'll find the right woman for himself.

Yeah, I mean, he found Jill. We didn't even know him then.

Yes, he found Jill.

Obviously, he could see what an incredibly special person she was.

But what if that was a fluke?

What if the next one's a real clunker?

We'd be stuck with her, too.

She'd be with us at every soccer game and school play

and we'd have to sit next to her at Grace's wedding.

- What if she's a yapper? - What if she doesn't drink?

- What? - Oh. No.

We will not stand by while our friend does this to us.

- You mean "to himself," right? - Well, that goes without saying, Forrest.

- Yeah. - Oh, right. Of course.

So, at my job, I just sit in front of the computer.

I really don't have that much to do.

So I was tooling around Mashnote,

and I realized that there's a backdoor.

Did you hack into their system?

Well, now it's just gonna sound disappointing.

If we promise not to be disappointed, will you tell us?

I created a fake account for a fake woman

so we can see Wade's real profile.

- Oh, she's beautiful. - I got her picture off a tube of bath salts.

- Does she have a name? - Great question. She sure does.

Zoya.

- Okay. Is there any wiggle room with that? - No.

You see, we can't see Wade's profile,

but Zoya can just "mash" him...

Oh, God, he went back to the finger pistols.

He changed everything.

He did keep the Maya Angelou quote.

- Everybody likes Maya Angelou. - Yeah.

- What was that sound? - He just mashed her back.

So then Zoya could tell him that she'd love to see him

in a summer-weight suit with open collar,

smiling in front of a window treatment

- and no finger pistols. - Watch this.

"You're so handsome.

I'd love to see you in seersucker bathed in natural light,

exclamation point, winky face."

- Good job. - He's writing back.

"Thanks for the tip, smiley face."

- Just close the computer. - Yeah.

- Quit while we're ahead. - Of course.

"How are you tonight?"

No need to be rude.

"I'm doing just fine, thanks,

shy face."

And I'm done.

Yeah, I'm done.

- So who's he? - That's Jake,

the one that's sharing the sleeper car with Brianne.

Okay, got it, and he's got the golden ticket.

No, no one's got the golden ticket.

The winning couple gets it at the end of the show

- when they get to Miami. - Oh, right, right, right.