grown-ish

They say bad things come in threes,

and, sadly, I had become living proof of that.

Enduring a betrayal from my best friend and boyfriend...

You knew they were hooking up, and you kept it from me?

Not my secret to share.

...a cheating scandal with my chemistry final...

...which led to a financial crisis with my dad.

I'm cutting you off, Zoey.

...that hit harder than when the Internet

made Blockbuster its bitch.

Thankfully, I had resolved my first two issues.

And even though my dad had cut off my credit cards...

Declined?

...I wasn't worried.

It's only a matter of time before my dad rolls over

and basically begs for my forgiveness.

In fact, I bet that there is a guilt gift

waiting on my doorstep.

- - Eh?

What is he doing to my baby?!

Hi, sir. Hi. Nice to meet you.

Um, I-I-I know that this is faculty parking,

but everyone knows that Professor Diaz

never uses this spot since she's in rehab

for scratcher tickets.

Look, the owner of the car requested the tow.

Mm, fun fact...

I am actually the owner of the car.

Well, then, I'm just doing what you told me to...

- Oh? - ...Andre Johnson.

Dad?!

You know what?

I bet he is taking this car away

to replace it with a more expensive, newer one.

That's how a good guilt gift works, right?

- - Right?

No!

Oh, God! Remember me!

Repo'ing my car?

Low blow, Andre Johnson. Low. Blow.

I mean, I knew this man had a petty bone,

but this is another level.

Like "Blac Chyna having a whole-ass revenge baby"

type level.

But it's okay because your girl

has some other tricks up her sleeve.

Okay.

All right. Well, then, time for Plan B.

I feel so unloved.

Is this how my other siblings feel?

Cut off? So, what does this mean?

Do you have to, like, drop out of school?

No. My mom said they'll still cover tuition,

housing, books,

but everything else...

my clothing, my groceries,

my Japanese soda subscription box...

- I'm completely on my own. - Mm.

Girl, please.

You're over here whining when your parents

are still covering your basic needs?

Yeah, we literally have to run for our lives

to support ourselves.

We're in a four-year version of "The Hunger Games."

But what should I do?

Get. A. Job. Bitch.

Um, okay. I already have one.

Does no one here remember the Zoey Johnson Styling Experience?

Get. A. Real. Job. Bitch.

Who said you could clap with us?

I just kind of went for it.

It's fun.

Look, there's a million different things you could do.

Like this one.

You could be a tutor.

"Sophomore seeking help with chemistry."

Oh, you put this one up.

I'm just gonna put ya back where I found ya.

Hang in there, little buddy. Okay.

What about dog walking?

I can't walk dogs in Givenchy.

Then change your shoes and fix your life.

Yeah, Zoey,

stop acting like you're too good for all of this.

Everybody has a hustle.

Doug works at the bookstore,

Aaron's got his whole R.A. thing...

I mean, even Vivek works in the Cal U branch

of the Sinaloa Cartel, but don't tell anyone.

Uh, right, allow me to reintroduce myself.

I'm Zoey Johnson.

I interned for Teen Vogue.

We had an espresso machine.

Every day I'd get a double-small, bone-dry cap

with extra foam and extra hot.

Which was served to me...

- ...by another intern. - Mm-hmm.

Any of this would be taking a step backwards.

I can't even look at her right now.

Can you please just guide my hand

to her face?

Okay, all I'm asking for is a job that vibes

with all of this. Look.

How about what vibes

with all of this?

It's gonna take a whole lot more than twenty grand

to loot this temple.

Um, for twenty grand,

I'd go up there right now and get those eggs my damn self.

You know that thing is made mostly of butter.

I'd ballpark six hundo cals.

What did I tell you about counting my calories?

I just care about you, man.

- Stop. - Oh. Brava!

Brava! Brava!

- Dicks. Absolute dicks. The both of you. - Hit me up, right? Come on.

- No, I will not. Thank you. - You know what?

Yes, we had sex.

That's nice.

How's your little brunch going?

It's good.

I wish he'd eat better.

Could you get off my meal plan?

You'll have to excuse them, Ana.

They're, uh, incredibly stupid,

and also going through very long, dusty, dry spells.

Isn't that right, boys?

Anti-facts. I. Am. Good.

Facts. I. Am. Horny.

Ew.

I'm all right to admit I'm in a dry spell.

But I will end it, and when I do,

I'm gonna strut right over there

- and do the "Shield Challenge." - The what?

Your lover doesn't know about the "Shield Challenge"?

Well, she does now.

Bro, communication is key, guys.

I mean, you know, if you're gonna make it.

What the idiots are talking about

is that it's a time-honored Cal U tradition

for, you know, two people, if they have feelings,

uh, to beautifully consummate...

Until you tear it up under the Titan Shield,

you're not considered a real Titan.

- Essentially, yeah. - Wait. What?

I-I think it's juvenile and stupid.

Right. So stupid that you took our boy Marcus to Benihana

once he smashed under the Shield.

Coffee. We need coffee.

You want coffee? Let's...

Wait. Are you a "real Titan"?

Uh... not yet.

Yo, you hear that?

We're goin' to Benihana, my G!

- Unh! - Yeah!

Even though my dad had cut me off

and Jazz was trying to "Handmaid's Tale" my fertility,

I still landed on my feet...

or should I say my YSL heels?

So, Luca used some of his connections to call in a favor

and got me a job at a high-end boutique,

which means your girl gets to work with clothes,

clothes get to work with me, and not to jump the gun, but...

...career starter!

Maybe not her eyes, but she totally did...

...something to her...

You white girls do not know how to snack.

Like, do you come out the womb eating pumpkin-flavored crap?

You know, you don't need to eat my snacks

that I bought with my money.

They just taste better when other people buy them.

- - Mm-hmm.

- Oh, my God. - Wow.

That's what you wore on your first day?

You must've killed it.

And those feet.

Well, you know, I wish my boss appreciated

all the effort I put in as much as you guys.

Unfortunately, she couldn't see past her envy

and told me to go home... forever.

What?

Yeah, I got fired.

Oh.

You got fired?!

Zoey, you were there for, like, four hours.

I've heard worse. Our cousin Speedy got fired