Mom

And I'll have the southwestern salad.

But?

No corn, no beans, no avocado.

So a bowl of lettuce with some cheese?

Yes, please. Pepper Jack instead of cheddar.

You people never disappoint.

Okay, we ordered. Are you gonna

tell them your news, or do I have to?

I'm not sure it's really news.

That guy Wayne she met at the sober jamboree in Canada

is coming down for a booty call.

- Marjorie! - Oh. Stop.

Nothing's happened between us.

There was... just a little... energy.

If you get married, I call maid of honor.

Why would I do that?

They've Skyped twice and she's worn lipstick both times.

Oh, you do lurk a lot, don't you?

More than you know.

Ooh, and he sent her pictures of his dogs.

Oh. He's a dog person.

That's not bad.

It's a romantic comedy waiting to happen.

He likes dogs, she likes cats.

Meow, this relationship's gonna be "ruff."

Come on! You would see that movie.

So what are the sleeping arrangements gonna be?

Settle down. It's just gonna be dinner on Friday.

We all know dinner Friday means breakfast Saturday.

I'll make you guys pancakes, if that's not too lurky.

I need fries and a Diet Coke.

No salt, ranch instead of ketchup.

I am in crisis.

What's going on?

Well, you know how I'm hosting

that big charity event this weekend?

That we're not invited to, yes.

Well, come up with $1,500, you're invited.

We're having a nice time here, why you got to be mean?

Anyway, I got out my antique silverware to have it polished

and a bunch of it is missing.

- (gasps) - Oh, sometimes I'm positive

something is missing, and I've just misplaced it.

You think I took 12 forks, eight spoons, three knives, a ladle

and then absentmindedly left them out by the pool?

What do you think happened?

I hate to say it, but I think my housekeeper stole from me.

Which one?

I don't know, so I'm gonna have to fire them both.

But not till after the party

'cause they're both really good at their jobs.

Honey, y-you don't know for sure it was them.

Well, who else had access and opportunity?

Be right back, Jill.

I'm just, uh, looking for some tea.

Oh! God.

I just flashed on Marjorie and Wayne making out.

: Why would I do that?

Hey, how are you doing?

What-what are you doing?

Reading about a farmer

who sued a railroad in 1897.

It's a lot more boring than it sounds.

Ha! Good one.

Is this for the, uh, class with that lady professor that yells?

It's weird. I feel like she's so much harder

on the women than the men.

Maybe she's trying to make us stronger

so we can take on the patriarchy.

Uh-huh, uh-huh. I stole the silverware.

What?

Jill's silverware. Five years ago. Me.

- How could you do that? - We were practically homeless.

And in my defense, I had no idea

we were gonna like her as much as we do.

Why didn't you tell me?

- I forgot. - You forgot?

You know that thing I do when I'm ashamed of something

I've done, I shove it way down until I forget about it?

I did that with this.

You're unbelievable.

It was a long time ago. I was barely sober.

And let's be honest, I stole from everybody.

Everybody?

No.

Well, you got to tell Jill.

You're right, you're right, you're right.

I'm thinking a sealed letter she can open after I die.

Maybe a series of cryptic clues.

Could be fun for all ages at my funeral.

Hey, everyone's up.

What's going on?

I just remembered I stole a bunch of silverware

from Jill five years ago.

Okay, good night.

See? He gets me.

Well, if you don't have blue hydrangeas,

why would you let me order 12 arrangements

featuring blue hydrangeas?

: Come on in.

You did not just say carnations to me.

This is a benefit, not an Appalachian prom.

Ooh, I tell you what,

I'm gonna take some deep cleansing breaths

while you have somebody with a tiny shred

of floral imagination call me.

Ooh! I swear to God,

saving these little diabetes kids is gonna kill me.

You are such a good person to be doing this.

Yeah, well, tell that to Melanie Kirkpatrick.

She's head of the event committee at my club.

She did not want me hosting this.

She's still not over the time I got drunk

and set the lobsters free at the charity clambake. (laughs)

Dinner and a show. She should be thanking you.

Oh, I just really need it to go well

so I can get back on the A-list.

And the kids. And the kids.

It's gonna be a huge success,

they're gonna donate a lot of money, everybody's gonna love you,

I stole your silverware.

What... what was that?

Huge success, lot of money, everyone loves you.

I think that was it.

You stole it?

I was desperate. I did a terrible thing.

But you and I are in a program

where everyone has made huge mistakes,

and this is me owning up to one.

I'm-I'm truly, truly sorry.

That silverware's been in my family for 150 years.

My great-grandmother gave it to my grandmother

who gave it to my mother who gave it to me,

and they're all dead now.

Sounds like maybe it was cursed.

That silverware is all I had that connected me to them.

Oh. Um, I didn't know it was that important.

Well, maybe you should have asked me before you stole it

so I could have directed you to something

less emotionally resonant.

- Jill... - Just leave.

Oh, come on, I'll do anything to make this right.

Go! Now.

Okay, fine.

Please tell me that wasn't your grandmother's.

No, it was Crate & Barrel.

But I liked it!

Hey, Marjorie, how's it going in there?

Oh, I don't know why

I'm getting so excited for this date.

The man lives in Canada,

and you know I hate winter, so I can't move there.

He loves winter, she loves summer,

but will they fall in love?

Oh, would you like me to set up a dressing room for you?

Oh, no, no, no, I'm only 40.

Um, feel it.

Fine. (chuckles)

Oh, mama.

Do you have an extra small?

I'm sure I do.

Oh, Marjorie, you look beautiful.

Well... not bad for an old broad.

(scoffs)

Look around. In this place, not so old.

You're in luck.

What do you think...

Should I take off... my ring

before I go on the date?

Do you feel ready?

Been two years.

Yeah, I think if I'm asking the question, I'm ready.

Victor, I love you,

and... I'm grateful for the time we shared

and...

taking this off will never change that.

That was beautiful.

Mine. Back off.

That's a new look for you.

I went shopping with Marjorie and this caught my eye.

Where'd you go, Forever 71?

Touch it, go ahead, touch it.

Ooh. Is this happening on the inside too?

Yes, it's like I'm wearing a kitten.

Hi, Jill.

Hi Wendy, Christy, Tammy, Bonnie.

How's Clyde?

Bonnie and Clyde. They were robbers.

She's a robber. They're all robbers.

I'm trying to cut the tension, laugh it up.

No, this is good, she's making jokes about me.

It means she's over it.

- I'm not over it. - (singsongy): But you're getting close.

- (singsongy): No, I'm not. - (singsongy): But you're singing with me.

: I can sing and still hate you at the same time.

You know, if Marjorie were here...

I thought she was.

Don't listen. You're awesome.

In my defense,

I didn't know I was gonna like you as much as I do.