The House of Yes

I'll always remember that day.

Marty and I had just turned 14,

and we went to an Ides of March party.

And I went as Jackie Onassis,

in a pink Chanel suit and a pillbox hat

and blood on my dress.

Well, ketchup, actually, and other stuff too,

like macaroni kind of glued on like brains.

It was more tasteful than it sounds.

Everybody remembers that day,

exactly what they were doing.

Thank you, Mrs. Kennedy,

for showing us your official home.

This is the White House as seen from the South Lawn.

This is the Pascal house as seen from the front lawn.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mrs. John F. Kennedy.

Where are we now, Mrs. Kennedy?

This is what is known as the Brown Room.

As you can see, there are many wonderful pieces here.

The style of the room is dictated by the mantelpiece,

which is a gift of Mrs. Maurice Noun

from Des Moines, Iowa.

This mantelpiece was donated by

Mrs. Norrine McCune of South Bend, Indiana.

It's really a treasure, and I wish there were more people like Mrs. Noun.

I wish we had more people like Mrs. McCune.

It's through this door that all the heads of state come.

And here's where the Marine Band plays.

And then everyone goes in to dinner in the State Dining Room.

I'm rolling. Oh.

This is where all the state dinners are given.

There were almost two a month last year.

This is the main dining room,

where we entertain visiting heads of state and their wives.

This room has the most architectural unity.

I just think everything in the White House should be the best.

So when you find a room like this, it's wonderful.

There's the China Room and the Gold Room and the library.

This is the broadcast room... This is the Red Room...

The diplomatic reception room... This is the men's room...

This is the Green Room... Lincoln's cabinet room...

His office is really a chamber of horrors now.

Jackie, no!

This used to be Daddy's room.

I mean, Mr. Pascal's office space.

[ Jackie Kennedy narration overlapping]

We shouldn't be in here.

Dining room... bedroom... cabinet room... China Room...

Broadcast room... Blue Room... men's room...

This is the kitchen!

Jeez, it's just the kitchen.

This is the living room,

center for living and leisure activities,

and boring piano lessons!

Ha-ha!

Come on, Marty!

Daddy-O!

Anthony, help me masking-tape these windows.

Puttin' those crosses?Yeah.

The Kennedys aren't puttin' crosses on their windows.

They could really care. They have ten other houses.

It's like wearin' garlic, those crosses.

It was on the news. It can't hurt.

Yes, it can. It goos up the windows.

Did Marty call?Last night.

I know, last night. Did Marty call today?

He's bringin' a friend.What?

He said he was bringin' a friend.

Male or female?I don't know.

What did he say, exactly?

He said, "Tell Mom I'm bringin' a friend."

Why not me? Why not "Tell Jackie I'm bringing a friend"?

I think it pertained to groceries, bedrooms.

Like that, logistics.

Anthony, tell me everything Marty said.

He said, "Hello, Anthony?" I said, "Yeah, Marty?"

He said, "Yeah." We said, "Hey."

Marty said, "Hey"?Not like, "Hey."

Like, "Hey!" Like a noise, like a noise of jubilation.

Marty was jubilant?

At this point in the phone call.

At least he was doing a fair impersonation of jubilant.

Marty was pretending to be jubilant.

Oh, my God. What's wrong with Marty?

And who is this friend?

And who is this friend? Exactly.

How did he sound?He sounded good.

He said he was good.But he was lying.

He's not good. He hates New York.

He's coming home.For Thanksgiving.

For good.Did he say that?

I don't know. Did he?No.

How come nobody told me about this friend?

Jackie?

Did I tell you your brother's bringing a friend?

What kind of friend?I don't know.

Marty's never had a friend before.

Who taped up the windows?I did. I saw it on the news.

That tape leaves goo. It goos up the windows.

Goo is what tape is all about.

Goo is what makes it tape instead of paper.

A person offers constructive criticism,

and a person gets lectured on the nature of things.

I came in to ask something. I can't think what it is.

Ah! Anthony, did I make up the guest room?

How should I know?

A person asks a civilized question, and a person...

I'll go up and check.

Did you give your sister her medication?

Uh-huh.

Ah! Maybe we should do the chandeliers.

Were you this excited when I came home?

That was different. You were dropping out of college.

A good college.So why did you leave?

With Marty gone, who was gonna take care of you?

Mama.Yeah, right.

I hear his car! I hear Marty's car!

You can't hear cars. There's a hurricane.

Where's my brush? I had a hairbrush right here.

Are we gonna make a run for it?

Yeah.

What did it look like?It looked like a hairbrush.

Like a brush you brush your hair with.

Was it pink?Yes, it was pink, goddamn it.

It was pink, and now it's gone.

I put it upstairs. I didn't want it around the food.

It wasn't around the food. The food is in the kitchen!

It was on the same floor as the food.

I have a comb.I don't want a comb!

I want a brush.

Combs straighten your hair. I want it to gleam!

It is, it is. I need sunglasses, almost.

It is?It is.

Marty!Oh, Jackie!

Lesly... this is Jackie-O.Hi.

My mother. Anthony.Hi.

Meet Lesly. Lesly and I are engaged.

I have to find my hairbrush!

Oh, I have a comb.

Marty, you're a wreck. Give me your coat.

I was in a hurricane, Mama. I just came in from a hurricane.

You look thinner. You look so thin.

Oh, my God. I sounded like a mother.

Didn't I sound like a mother?You are a mother.

I know, but I still can't believe it.

I look at you people and wonder, "How ever did you fit in my womb?"

Marty, why don't you get the fire really going like you do?

Anthony, you help him. Squeeze the blower or something.

Lesly and I will check on dinner.

Can I check on dinner, too?No, you cannot.

There's going to be girl talk in there.

I like girl talk.

If you were there, it wouldn't be girl talk, would it?

Do I have to squeeze the blower?

No, sweetheart. You just have to do something in some other location.

You have a lovely home.

Home?Your house, it's lovely.

Oh, yes, it was. I mean, it is.

I mean, it will be, until it gets blown away.

We'll all get blown away to Oz or something.

Can I help with anything?Oh, no.

It's all under control.

So, Lesly, how long have you known Marty?

Hmm, about six months.

And you know him pretty well, do you?

I don't know. I think so.

I guess you've met a lot of Marty's girlfriends.

Oh, not really.

Well, I hope I'm the first fiancée.

Oh, you're definitely the first, and I hope, the last.

Me, too.

I had one great passion in my life, and do you know what that was?

Your husband?My husband, precisely.

I didn't know he was my one great passion until he was gone.

Till he was gone.

My one great passion was the man I met that night at a party.

Any man I met at a party who could use a new adjective to describe me.

I really have no idea who my children belong to.

All I know for sure is

that Jackie and Marty belong to each other.

Jackie's hand was holding Marty's penis

when they came out of the womb.

The doctor swore to me. It's in some medical journal somewhere.

Ha!

Well, I guess I should go freshen up now.

Oh, do, by all means.

Look at you, you're drenched!

Anthony, did I put clean towels out on the bed?

How should I know?Go and see.

And show Lesly to the guest room.

Why not my room, Mama?

You're not married yet, are you, young man?

Are there sheets on the bed?Mm-hmm.

Make sure to show her how to jiggle the toilet so it doesn't run.

Marty, a word.

A word, Mama, or many words?

Now, don't get snippy, Marty.

You've been in this house exactly 37 seconds,

and you're already snippy.

It's no wonder your father died young.