M*A*S*H

Thanks, Lieutenant.

Keep him on the penicillin. Same dosage.

Hey, I got good news for you, Corporal.

You're going home.

Tell me the truth, doc. How's my leg?

It's going home with you.

Listen up, folks.

I've got the best news possible short of a truce.

The negotiators have finally reached an agreement.

There's gonna be potato salad and not coleslaw with their lunch.

Better. Some of our infantry boys

just liberated a chicken farm on the Imjin.

Oh, I don't know. Maybe those chickens

enjoyed the communist way of life.

Pierce, will you let the man talk?

All right. It's okay, Margaret. Let him rant.

He'll just end up with egg on his face

instead of in his mouth like the rest of us.

Eggs? In Korea? Impossible.

Korean chickens only lay powder.

Pierce, shut up already.

Talk, sir. Thank you, Major.

It seems the farmer is so grateful, he's donating

an entire day's egg production to all the G. I. s in the area.

Does that include us?

Yep. Tomorrow,

at a special Sunday brunch,

officers, enlisted men and wounded...

will get fresh eggs.

Eggs? Real eggs?

Unpowdered, unsimulated, unfabricated,

unadulterated, unarmy eggs?

Unbelievable. Factory fresh.

Paint isn't even dry on the shells yet.

The last fresh egg I had was over a year ago,

and that was in a shampoo.

I'll take 50 overeasy.

Sorry, Pierce. Two's the limit.

Violators will be shot.

You know how I like mine?

Fried up so the yoke is a glowing yellow jewel

in the shimmering alabaster white.

You'd better have your eggs with a cold shower.

There is nothing to compare with eggs

delicately poached on toast, bronzed to perfection,

sidebyside with precisely sauteed kippers.

The best eggs I remember was when I was an intern.

I'd been on duty all night with this fantastic nurse.

What a figure.

Extra Large. Grade "A."

She invited me up to her place for breakfast.

As soon as we got there,

she put on two threeminute eggs.

Four hours later, we ate them.

Well, I have rounds to make.

I will leave you desperate gentlemen

alone with your fantasies.

Charles, my fantasies are seldom alone.

You know, I was thinkin', maybe, if we're lucky,

this raid on the Imjin will start a trend.

Today, a poultry farm. Tomorrow, a liquor store.

Can you pass me the sugar, please?

Excuse me.

Are you talkin' to me?

Yeah. Would you please pass the sugar?

I know how you feel. The food's inedible, but you need it to live.

It's an interesting dilemma.

If you could stay around till tomorrow,

you're in for a big treat.

Fresh eggs.

Great.

I'm Pierce and he's Hunnicutt.

They call me Hawkeye and him B. J.

We're drinkers by trade.

We only got our M. D.'s

so we could operate on each other's livers.

What's your name?

Gillis. Nick Gillis.

Now would you just please leave me alone?

Sometimes for dessert we go back to our tent and forget dinner.

With a good drink.

You wanna join us?

Only if you don't hold us to the "good" part.

Come on.

Boy, I never tasted stuff this strong before.

We forge our own prescriptions.

So, how long you guys been over here?

Oh, let's see, 15th of next month, it'll be forever.

How 'bout you?

Just a little over a year now.

You guys married?

No, it's just that we've been through

so much together that we look that way.

I am. I got a little girl back in California.

Some day I'm hoping to be introduced to her.

Are you okay, Nick?

I'm from Idaho...

and there's this guy back in Boise...

I, uh, just got a letter from him

the day before yesterday...

uh...

congratulating me...

on the baby my wife just had.

I know what it's like to be away from home.

Every time I get a letter from Peg

telling me about something Erin's doing, I'm ready to climb the walls.

Look! Aren't you listening to me?

I just told ya, I been here over a year!

The baby was born three weeks ago.

I'm... sorry.

That's rough.

I mean, all this time she's been writing me,

Gloria's never mentioned a word about it.

You know? Just a lot of stuff about the weather

and who's doin' what. Who's doin' what.

Boy, isn't that a laugh, huh?

Uh, does your unit know where you are?

I thought you said this was just supposed to be a friendly drink.

No. Just between us.

Yeah, but you guys are officers.

Doctors, not soldiers.

All right.

I've been AWOL since yesterday.

Have you talked to anybody about this?

Well, I was gonna talk to the chaplain,

but I just decided I wanna get the hell out of there and go home.

Okay, well, now that you're out,

maybe you ought to talk to our chaplain.

Father Mulcahy.

If anybody can find a way to get you home, it's him.

Yeah.

I guess that wouldn't be such a bad idea.

I'm sure he'd be glad to see you right now.

No.

Yeah, well... Tomorrow would be soon enough.

Come on.

Gently. Gently.

To accompany my poached eggs, Pernelli,

I want these kippers delicately sauteed.

I never learned that. At army cook school,

sauteed was for guys on scholarship.

Hold it. Hold it.

You're making me nervous! Remember, I want these eggs

boiled exactly three minutes and 15 seconds.

I'll throw a stopwatch in the pot.

Hey, Sal! Sal! Can you make me a cheese omelet?

Sure thing. I'll saute it for three minutes and 15 seconds.

Oh, great. Here's the cheese.

What is that odoriferous fungal mass?

Lebanese goat cheese. It's worse than I thought.

I've been ripening it in a damp, dark place. Your boots?

That does it!

I'm not standing around here cooking eggs from now till V. K. Day.

Oh, come on, Sal. If I don't eat this cheese before tomorrow,

I'll be killing a living thing. Everybody gets scrambled.

No special orders. Scrambled?

Scrambled! Scrambled!

I'll just take three eggs, if that's all right.

I'll just take Here's the added fixin's for my Western omelet.

Mildred clipped this recipe right out of Argosy.

Well, sure. Sure?

Hold it! What can I say?

I've been outranked by bologna.

Beej!

They're here! Hey! Hey! They're here!

Tell them to go away. I'm sleeping. No, the eggs.

The eggs! The eggs! Hmm.

I saw them. They're in the kitchen.

They're lined up as far as the mouth can water.

I touched them. I'm happy for both of you.

Wait a minute. What are you doin'?

Get up. It's brunch day.

I know. I know. "Brunch" means later.

Today is gonna be my Sunday back home.

I get to sleep late, lie around for an hour or so,

then have a delicious real egg meal, then take a nap.

Boy, some fun you are.

All right, fine. You sleep.

I'm gonna go back to the kitchen

and see if I can lick the shells.

You lick. I'll sleep.

Boy, those drinks really put my lights out.

We use nothing but the finest embalming ingredients available.

Listen, we talked to the chaplain last night.

He wants to see you after this morning's services.

Oh, you have services here?

Every Sunday and before Salisbury steak.

Oh, when? In about 10 minutes.

Great. I'd like to go.

Well, it shouldn't be any problem.

There are always plenty of seats available.

Good. Then maybe me and the priest

can work this thing out.

If not, then I'll be on my way.

Hey, hey. Uh...

you guys will be goin' to the services too, won't ya?

Oh. Wouldn't miss it. Yeah. Wouldn't miss it.

Wait. Hey, Beej! Hmm?

Good thing I woke you. WhWhy?

You almost slept through the services.