Parks and Recreation

- OKAY, EVERYBODY. BIG, BIG NEWS.

UH, LESLIE, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO THE HONORS?

- NO, I THINK YOU SHOULD DELIVER THE NEWS.

- YEAH, BUT YOU'RE THE CANDIDATE.

- YEAH, BUT YOU'RE THE BRILLIANT CAMPAIGN MANAGER.

- BUT YOU'RE THE CUTEST. - I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU TOO.

- HEY, WERE YOU GOING TO TELL US SOMETHING?

- OH, YEAH. - OH, RIGHT.

THE LATEST POLL HAS US

ONLY TWO POINTS BEHIND BOBBY NEWPORT!

- WHOO! YES! - TWO POINTS!

I KNOW, YOU GUYS,

WE ONLY HAVE ONE MORE DAY TO CLOSE THE GAP,

AND WE'RE GOING TO DO SO IN A ONE-TIME CAMPAIGN BLITZ

ABOARD THES.S. KNOPE.

THIS IS GOING TO BE OUR HOME FOR THE NEXT 24 HOURS.

AND IF WE WIN, HOPEFULLY, IT WILL BE THE HOME

THAT BEN AND I SHARE FOREVER. - UH, WHAT?

- IT'S JUST AN IDEA I HAD. WE DON'T HAVE TO DO IT.

WHATEVER. WE CAN TALK ABOUT IT.

OKAY, HERE WE GO!

WE'VE COME SO FAR.

I WANT THIS SO BAD, I CAN TASTE IT.

WHEN I CLOSE MY EYES,

I CAN PICTURE THE FLASH OF THE CAMERAS

AT MY SWEARING IN.

AND I CAN HEAR THE SOUND OF THE APPLAUSE

WHEN I TAKE MY OATH.

AND I CAN SEE IN THE CROWD

PRESIDENT OBAMA SMILING AT ME.

HE MADE IT.

I DIDN'T THINK HE WOULD COME, BUT HE MADE IT.

HEY, BUDDY.

*

- A FEW DAYS AGO, ON A ROUTINE CAMPAIGN STOP

IN DOWNTOWN PAWNEE,

ONE LESLIE KNOPE-- PAUSE--WAS ATTACKED--

PLAY-- BY A PIE.

LUCKILY, IT ONLY HIT JERRY, SO NO DAMAGE WAS DONE.

PLAY.

THE ONLY EVIDENCE WE HAVE IS A VIDEO SHOT BY--

PAUSE--MY WIFE, APRIL LUDGATE.

THIS IS BERT MACKLIN'S GREATEST ASSIGNMENT YET.

IF YOU ARE WATCHING, PERPETRATOR,

JUST KNOW THAT YOU ARE STILL AT LARGE.

OKAY, LISTEN UP, FOLKS.

WE HAVE A SECURITY SITUATION HERE.

AS YOU KNOW, WHEN WE REACH THE LOCATION,

I WILL BE CONDUCTING A SECURITY SWEEP.

ALSO, FROM NOW ON, WE'LL BE USING CODE NAMES.

YOU CAN ADDRESS ME AS "EAGLE ONE."

ANN, CODE NAME: "BEEN THERE, DONE THAT."

APRIL IS "CURRENTLY DOING THAT."

DONNA IS "IT HAPPENED ONCE IN A DREAM."

CHRIS, CODE NAME: "IF I HAD TO PICK A DUDE."

BEN IS "EAGLE TWO."

OH, THANK GOD.

- NO, PLEASE. COME--

WE HAVE A PROBLEM.

THE VANS WE RENTED TO TAKE

SENIOR CITIZENS TO THE POLLS TOMORROW

ARE NOW, QUOTE, "NO LONGER AVAILABLE."

WHAT?

I THOUGHT WE LOCKED THOSE VANS DOWN, LIKE, A WEEK AGO.

- YEAH, WE WORKED REALLY HARD TO GET THOSE SENIORS BACK

ON OUR SIDE AFTER THAT RAMP DEBACLE.

I REALLY NEED THEIR VOTES. - OKAY.

TOM, GO DOWN THERE AND GET THOSE VANS BACK.

- I'LL USE MY LEGENDARY HAVERFORD CHARM.

I HAVE TOTAL FAITH IN YOU.

TAKE DONNA WITH YOU. RON, YOU GO TOO.

APRIL, YOU ARE A VERY INTELLIGENT

AND SAVVY YOUNG WOMAN.

I DO NOT JUST THINK OF YOU AS JUST A GOFER,

BUT RIGHT NOW, I NEED YOU TO GET ME

A TRIPLE ESPRESSO WITH EIGHT SUGARS.

OKAY.

- WHA--I'M ON IT. I'LL GO. I'M GOING.

- PLEASE, I CAN GO. I DON'T MIND.

IT'S BETTER THAN LISTENING TO HER

STUMP SPEECH FOR A MILLIONTH TIME.

- NO. I WILL DO IT. I HAVE TO DO IT.

I NEED TO DO IT. GOOD-BYE.

THIS HAS BEEN A DIFFICULT YEAR FOR ME, ROMANTICALLY.

MILLICENT GERGICH, ANN PERKINS, ANDY'S PROFESSOR--

LOTS OF DISAPPOINTMENT,

BUT IF I KEEP MY BODY MOVING

AND MY MIND OCCUPIED AT ALL TIMES,

I WILL AVOID FALLING INTO A BOTTOMLESS PIT OF DESPAIR.

- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE WELCOME

THE NEXT CITY COUNCILOR OF THE GREAT CITY OF PAWNEE,

LESLIE KNOPE!

- THIS IS "EAGLE ONE," "BEEN THERE, DONE THAT"

IS LEAVING THE STAGE.

"I'D BE LYING IF I SAID I HADN'T THOUGHT ABOUT IT"

IS IN POSITION.

- WHAT DO WE WANT FOR OUR CITY? I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I WANT.

I WANT BETTER SCHOOLS, I WANT CLEANER STREETS,

I WANT TO EXPEL THE VIOLENT GANGS

OF GEESE IN DETWEILER SQUARE.

AND I WILL FINALLY ELIMINATE THIS CITY'S LIBRARIES!

THANK YOU.

- IN THE LAST FEW WEEKS, WE'VE TURNED THIS CAMPAIGN

INTO A WELL-OILED MACHINE.

LESLIE'S STUMP SPEECH IS 10 MINUTES AND 40 SECONDS

EVERY TIME.

HERE, CHECK THIS OUT.

THERE WILL BE A BIG LAUGH RIGHT...NOW.

AND NOW, A TWO-SECOND AWKWARD SILENCE

AFTER LESLIE DOES HER RODNEY DANGERFIELD IMPRESSION.

- I TELL YA,

THESE GEESE DON'T GIVE ME NO RESPECT.

NO RESPECT AT ALL.

- SHE INSISTS ON TRYING IT EVERY TIME,

AND IT NEVER WORKS. -

- BUT THE REST OF THE SPEECH, FANTASTIC.

- WHEN I WAS BUILDING PARKS, HELPING THE COMMUNITY,

AND PUTTING TOGETHER THE HARVEST FESTIVAL,

WHERE WAS BOBBY?

HE AND HIS FATHER, NICK NEWPORT

WERE EXPLOITING THIS CITY FOR THEIR PERSONAL GAIN.

YOU DESERVE MORE.

HERE'S THE BEST PART.

WATCH WHAT HAPPENS WHEN SHE SAYS...

- TOGETHER, WE CAN BUILD A BETTER PAWNEE.

[Gloria Estefan's Get on Your Feet plays]

* GET ON YOUR FEET

- EVERYBODY SAYS THEY CARE ABOUT THE ISSUES,

BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY,

ALL ANYONE REALLY WANTS IS FREE CLOTHING

SHOT AT THEM FROM A CANNON.

- I'VE BEEN STARING AT THIS BOARD FOR DAYS.

I'M SO CLOSE TO PUTTING IT TOGETHER.

THERE'S GOT TO BE SOMETHING WE MISSED.

LET'S GO OVER THIS AGAIN.

THE VIDEO SHOWS THAT THE PIE CAME FROM A HIGH ANGLE,

SO IT WOULD'VE HIT YOUR FACE... LIKE THIS.

MM-HMM.

DON'T CLOSE YOUR EYES.

UH--

- NO, NO. IT WAS ACTUALLY FROM UP HIGHER.

IS THAT ABOUT RIGHT?

- YEAH. - GOOD.

CLEAN YOURSELF UP. LET'S DO THIS AGAIN.

HEY, BILL!

TOM HAVERFORD FROM THE KNOPE CAMPAIGN.

- AND YOU BROUGHT THE WHOLE POSSE WITH YOU, HUH?

I'M NOT CHANGING MY MIND.

- WE ALREADY PAID FOR THOSE VANS, MR. BUTLER.

$900 FOR ONE DAY.

- YEAH, IT WAS $900, BUT NOW IT'S $10,000.

EXCUSE ME?

- THE NEWPORT CAMPAIGN OFFERED ME 10 GRAND

TO JUST RENT THE VANS AND PARK THEM SOMEWHERE.

SO I'M GOING TO TEAR UP YOUR CONTRACT,

AND I'M GOING TO TAKE THE MONEY.

ANYTHING ELSE?

NO? GREAT.

WELL, WHAT NOW?

HE'S JUST PLAYING HARDBALL.

LET ME TELL YOU HOW IT'S GONNA GO DOWN.

IN A FEW MINUTES, WE'LL WALK IN THERE,

WE'LL GIVE HIM OUR DEMANDS, AND THEN, BAM!

I START CRYING.

WE NEED THE VANS, SO PLEASE,

GIVE THE VANS, PLEASE?

WE NEED THE VANS.

- AND IF ELECTED, I PROMISE TO STOP THE NEWPORTS

AND SWEETUMS FROM BLATANTLY DUMPING CONTAMINANTS

INTO THE PAWNEE RIVER.

- LESLIE, CAN YOU COMMENT ON BOBBY'S FATHER NICK NEWPORT?

- NICK NEWPORT HAS BEEN INTIMIDATING AND BULLYING

AND POISONING THIS TOWN FOR YEARS.

FRANKLY, HE'S A REAL JERK,

AND IF HE THINKS HE CAN BUY THIS ELECTION FOR HIS SON,

HE'S WRONG.

- SORRY, I MEANT CAN YOU COMMENT ON

NICK NEWPORT DYING EARLIER TODAY?

HE DIED?

I...

SAD.

- IS THAT YOUR OFFICIAL STATEMENT?

"I SAD"?

NO, MY OFFICIAL STATEMENT IS

THAT IS OVERALL,

A BUMMER.

OOF.

AND--AND TOGETHER WE CAN BUILD A BETTER PAWNEE.

- * GET ON YOUR FEET - NO, THIS IS ISN'T THE TIME.

NO, GUYS. - * GET UP AND MAKE IT HAPPEN

FRANKLY, HE'S A REAL JERK.

- HARSH WORDS, BUT THIS REPORTER DOES LOVE THOSE T-SHIRT CANNONS.

NOW, JEN, WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ABOUT ALL OF THIS?

- THIS IS NOT A TIME FOR POLITICS.

I AM CALLING ON LESLIE KNOPE TO CANCEL

ALL OF HER CAMPAIGN EVENTS

OUT OF RESPECT FOR THE NEWPORT FAMILY.

ANYTHING ELSE WOULD BE A CLASSLESS MOVE,

ON PAR WITH SPRAY-PAINTING NIPPLES ON THE LINCOLN MEMORIAL.