American Housewife

Ugh. There are Raisinets in here.

Why put health food in a perfectly good bag of candy?

Hey, hon.

Oh, no.

Did someone buy the Halloween candy too early again this year?

No. Yes. Maybe.

Yes.

Yeah.

Here. Hide this.

No, wait. Okay.

Hide it someplace where if I really, really want it,

I can find it.

But not someplace where

if I just accidentally stumble upon it,

I go, "Hey, candy!"

You're always giving me instructions

I don't know how to execute.

Mm-hmm. I know.

No. Mnh-mnh.

I know where that is.

Hey, hon, did you see this?

"In honor of Halloween,

Westport is hosting a 5K zombie obstacle course."

You can sign up to be a zombie or a runner.

This town is unbelievable.

They take a holiday which is very specifically about candy,

and make it about exercise.

It's just not right.

I signed up to be a zombie.

Oh, come on, man.

Sounds like fun.

Runners have to get past obstacles

while dodging zombies.

Do it with me.

Hmm.

Sometimes you say things

that make me feel like we have never met.

I want to be a zombie, too!

What's a zombie?

A zombie is a corpse that's come back to life

and feeds primarily on human brains.

Okay. I'm in.

All right, then.

Hey, Oliver, you want to do some zombie-ing

with me and Anna-Kat this weekend?

Halloween is a celebration of handouts

and encourages a welfare-state mentality in our kids.

And you don't like Halloween because you freak out.

You peed on Daddy's neck!

Yeah, it went down my back, too.

Remember how powerful his urine used to be?

He was like a male cat.

- I was marked. - Yeah.

- Hey, Mom. - Hey, Taylor.

And Viv.

Hey, Viv.

Bonsoir, Ottos.

Taylor, I thought you said

you were giving tennis lessons to a friend.

I was.

Friend, neighbor,

Weight Watchers success story, hello.

So, are all your houses this cozy?

- Just the one. - Oh.

Why are you guys dressed alike?

Viv gave me some of her hand-me-downs.

Taylor and I are the same size. Isn't that funny?

So funny. All I do is laugh at how skinny you are.

- Pier 1! - Mm-hmm.

How cute. That reminds me of my old dorm room at Vassar.

- Oh, you got to apply. - I will.

Okay, let me give you more memories.

Target, Target, Walmart.

That was here when we moved in.

Costco, CVS, and see ya later.

- Bye, Viv. - Bye-bye.

Hey, kind of an older addition to your squad, huh?

Viv and I have a lot in common.

What do you have in common,

other than never having paid for your own dinner?

She's athletic, fun, super-positive.

- Mm. - You know what it is?

Hmm?

She gets me.

Okay. Asked and answered.

"She gets me."

Do you see what's happening here?

You know I don't.

Taylor is looking up to Viv and not me.

That woman is turning her into a mini-version

of her fakey-fake-fake self.

Or maybe Viv's just being nice.

Really, Greg?

The freezer?

I asked you to hide the candy, not make it more delicious.

Right.

"Being nice"? Please.

Greg's the one who's nice... too nice.

And, sweetie, sometimes a little stupid.

Yeah, and why does he always have bread in his car to feed the birds?

- It's weird, right? - It's real weird.

So, I'm not being crazy about this Viv thing?

So not crazy.

You need to stop this relationship in its tracks.

You want me to introduce her to North and South Korea?

Now, that's the reaction I was looking for.

I can always count on you guys

for clear, irrational, angry opinions.

Listen, I know horrible women.

I married one, I cheated with one,

and I think I am one.

So, what's my plan for Viv?

Call her on her crap!

Mnh-mnh. Viv is sneaky. She'll deny it.

But at least she'll know you're onto her,

and nobody wants Katie Otto all over them.

Mm. Except me.

When we first met, I did have a little crush.

- You did? - Mm-hmm.

That's sweet.

I'd be into those, but not that.

Okay.

Hey, Viv?

Just a sec.

I gotta...

Just excuse me!

Just quick talk.

Can you hear me?

Gotta talk to you.

Excuse...

Gotta...

Viv...

Right here.

Lookin' at ya.

We can't talk. Okay.

Gonna get the machine.

Oh.

Okay.

Aah!

Oh. Oh, my.

You're so funny. Just leave it.

You remind me of me when I was big...

so jolly, unable to control your body.

I didn't know everything I hated could fit into a size 0.

Listen, I know you have been spending

a lot of time with Taylor.

Oh, I love her. She's so different than you.

- Mm-hmm. - It's like the apple fell off of your tree

and just rolled right over to mine.

- Right? - Yeah.

But just to be clear, she's my apple.

Of course. I'm not trying to be her mom,

just a super-cool neighbor.

Tay's words, not mine.

"Tay"? I wonder what happens to Botox if you punch it.

Can you believe Andrew Hartsfield texted her?

I love that she can talk to us about that stuff.

You should hear what she talks to just me about.

Ooh!

Who the hell is Andrew Hartsfield?

I hope he's not that weirdo at the gas station.

Hey, did she tell you we're doing the zombie run together?

Of course, she did.

I'm doing it, too.

How exciting! I didn't know you were a runner.

I am so proud of you.

Well, I don't run for your approval, Viv.

Yay. I love it!

That's not something to love, Viv.

That, I love.

Viv, are we in the same conversation right now?

I'm telling you I'm going to beat you.

I love it!

All right.

Hey! We should play sometime.

- Never gonna happen! - Bye!

Was it a bit impulsive of me to say I could beat Viv?

Yes, it was, but, remember,

I was the fastest girl in sixth grade.

Yes, many, many years ago.

Hey, winning is 51% mental.

And 49% running.

Honey, why can't you just accept that Taylor's at the age

where she pushes her parents away?

Yes, but she could push me away for boys or drugs,

but not Viv.

Is being crazy part of your mental preparation?

They're becoming best friends.

I should be her best friend.

And they're texting!

I want her to text me,

not some aggressively annoying Westport-y woman.

You know what? I'm gonna text her right now.

"Hi."

That's a terrible text.

Yeah.

Are you texting me?

Wanted to let you know I'm doing the Fun Run.

Why?

Can't a mom do a fun run with her daughter?