New Girl

Okay, well, it's too small to be a cat hotel

and it's too big to be pants.

So it's not mine. Me neither. I pick up all my deliveries at the port.

The what? At the port? Yeah.

What are you doing at the port? Picking up my deliveries. Listen.

You drive all the way down to the port?

Yes. Well, it's not mine. I only buy local.

Except, of course, for clothing and produce. Medication,

water, seasoning, meat. Maybe it's Cece's.

Isn't she packing up her apartment? It's not Cece's.

She's packing right now, and Jess is going over there later

to toast the place good-bye. 'Cause they're adorable.

Would you consider us adorable? No,

we're adult men. We're cute.

Oh, hey!

My box is here.

Do you need help? Oh...

Yeah, I was just gonna put it... Put it down right there.

Awesome. Jess, is it me,

or has your job

become a poo poo festival?

No, it's fine. It's just the new principal, Becky Cavatappi.

She took over for Foster when he retired. I do all her work

and she does all the working of her cleavage.

But the budget's your job, Becky.

Ah... Principal Cavatappi.

Like I always say:

don't call me Becky unless you're riding me like a horse.

We work in a middle school.

Really.

This is the budget, or the next week of my life.

You know what they say...

Your life is just weeks and then you die.

Uh, Jess,

are you sure you're okay? Yeah.

I just got this for a little stress relief.

Oh, Schmidt,

will you be a dear and text Cece

and tell her I'm gonna be about, like, ten minutes late?

Yeah, sure. Thanks.

Aah!

Becky! Becky!

I hate you!

Hi!

Hello. Look who I brought. The French.

Bonjour. Oh, it's Prosecco, it's Italian.

So grazie.

Oh, it's Polish Prosecco.

So that's on me for buying it at a gas station.

Long week of work ahead of me.

I'm looking forward to a fun night! Okay, Jess, I should

tell you before I...

I know I said I was done packing, but I'm not done,

and the reason I'm not done is because I didn't do anything,

and I have to get out before tomorrow,

otherwise I lose my deposit.

Oh, Cece.

I know. Cece, Cece, Cece.

Cece, Cece, Cece, Cece, Cece...

Hey, guys. Hey, Winston.

I did it. I told Aly I need a new partner.

What? I thought you had a crush on her. Yeah.

Well, exactly. You know, here's the problem.

She keeps talking about her boyfriend and his, quote:

"ass that you want to open on Christmas."

What? But it's fine.

You know, she took it

better than I thought.

Screw you.

Here's your crap:

lucky crystal, key chain fart marker,

over a hundred yogurt tops,

your flattened penny collection,

a signed copy of a Paul Reiser biography,

baby carrot thumb drive,

a picture of you and Dave Coulier,

loose Pez, my mom's cell number,

a ticket stub from Urinetown.

When did you even see that?

Why? Why? Oh, have you... Have you tried 'em on?

Oh, and your Pure Mood CD.

This thing makes me want to swim into a boat motor.

Oh...

new partner's here.

Guys, as they say, when one chapter ends,

a bridge appears, and then you cross that bridge

and make lemonade out of a molehill.

Okay.

Hiya, partner.

That's, uh, "hi" in karate. Hiya!

That's cool.

You don't mind if we listen to some car jams, do you?

Well, man, let's just get right to track seven.

Elation.

Oh!

I'm okay, it's fine, it's fine, yeah. You okay, you good?

It's not gonna end well for these two.

I wouldn't trust him to watch a ball pit.

Hey, could I get a cream soda?

Dude, we both know what you're gonna do.

Don't. It's not cool.

What? We have a flasher.

You know what, maybe if we get drunk, then, magically,

everything will just happen.

No, no.

No drinking until you've packed.

Look, I get

that you're freaking out about moving,

but we can do this. We need to make

a keep pile and a toss pile, okay?

Keep or toss, keep or toss.

Ugh.

Uh... Hi, Becky. Sorry, Principal Cavatappi.

Jess, remember that binder?

Yeah. Yup, I've got it right here.

I'll have it done

by the end of the week.

Yeah, I mixed up the budget due date.

I took my contacts out

'cause they're ugly.

So I kind of can't read stuff.

I'll need it tomorrow.

Um... Uh, yeah,

uh, but it's a week's worth of work.

You get it done or you're fired.

I have to do a week's worth of work in a night.

So we got to get through this quick.

Keep or toss, keep or toss.

Cece, that sweatshirt has a wine stain on it

and an off-brand Looney Tunes character.

George Bunny? Who the hell is that?

You're right. Keep.

Toss! No, keep, keep!

I'm calling the cops. There is a man pulling out his privates

in our bar. Oh, big whoop.

It used to be worse. It used to be more interactive.

What do mean, interactive? Interactive.

You showed, too? No, it was more like tennis,

like...

Exit.

What's the second...

Now it's just...

And I'm...

This is a problem. Wi-Winston.

New partner is working out great, man.

You know, we have a lot in common.

Both have cats, both partially blind...

Me, color, him, night.

Well, that sounds dangerous. Winston, listen to me.

We have some very serious police business here.

The bar has a flasher. A strange man

is regularly showing Nick his funky soup bone.

I'm sure he doesn't even care.

I care about that greatly, Nick. I will be right there.

Whoa, partner. Oh, oh,

oh, my goodness. Hey, didn't see... Seat's taken.

The seat was taken there, Winston, I... Yeah, I usually ride shotgun

because I get motion sickness as a decision-maker.

Yeah, well, I lose all hand strength

with absolutely no warning. Just...

Damn it.

Mm... I'm sorry, I'll be fast. Mm...

Mm...

Mm...

Time's up. It's a toss.

No, that was actually an award.

Toss. Next. Jessica...

Now, okay, look, that hat has a very important memory.

Hey.

I'm sorry I'm so bad at doggy-style.

Do you really want to remember Sir Miss-A-Lot?

This is all important stuff from my single life.

I think I need to go through the pile again.

You know what,

you're right. Let's go through everything again.

Can you just come with me to the hallway

and take a look at a pile I made out there?

Oh, yeah, okay.

I just really appreciate it. Mm-hmm.

I know you got a lot of work to do.

Yeah, so it's...

I have to finish packing so I can work on the binder!

You made me do this! I'm shutting this tiny door!

Jessica, open the door! You're a terrible packer!

Jessica, open the door!

Your favorite team is the Green Bay... Not Packers.

Let me in, okay? Because, you know,

if I'm out here too long, I'm gonna run into...

Hey, neighbor, you dig turtles?

It's not a big deal.

I've been flashed by, like,

seven or eight different people since college.

What? You guys have been flashed?

No. Never.

Everybody's been flashed

countless times, right? No.

Oh, it's just me who's been flashed about 300 times?

What? You guys have never been flashed?

No. Never.

Not even on, like, holidays?