Wayne

So are you gonna do it or aren't ya?

It's just...

I never talked to one before.

Well, she's not gonna bite ya. Unless you ask.

Hey, maybe the rain'll stop.

Mmm. No. Not stopping.

She says I'm too young.

Fuck.

I think maybe my brother didn't explain quite right.

I get this is a strange request, but...

Honey, this one time, the guy wanted to watch me

pleasure myself with his prosthetic hand.

Strange requests are kinda my thing.

Strange requests cost.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who's the lucky guy?

What's our one goddamn rule?

Oh, Christ, Deborah, don't throw a hissy.

Show some respect for the guy who stocked you with the new towels.

Macy's Hotel Collection?

That's "hotel" with an "H".

You know what? Go fuck yourself.

You know what? Go fuck yourself.

Okay, and I'm gonna blast the heat when we get in there.

Then hot shower. Then HBO.

I wanna smell the soaps.

You're weird, man.

Hey. Look.

Oh, holy shit. We made the news.

What, you think the manager will recognize us now?

Or the hooker lady?

No, we're good. They used my corny-ass school pictures.

We're in business, kids.

I also offer a variety of other non-erotic type services.

Weed, black market DVDs,

I'm also a notary.

All right, then. Don't do anything I wouldn't do.

Every school has that kid, right?

The kid nobody talks to?

But if Wayne comes to talk to you, well, you're fucked.

Hey. Watch your language.

Never ate with utensils. He's like an animal.

I once saw him hammer a No. 2 pencil into a dude's hand.

He burned his dad alive. You know that, right? Set him on fire?

He once ate a frog in class.

But not, like, biology class. In English class.

Utensils or no utensils?

Never seen him eat a vegetable,

but did see him stab a kid with a carrot.

He beat up my dad. I mean, my dad's an asshole, but...

Ruined Easter.

So tell me about the night you had your incident with Wayne.

Young man?

I told ya, he's not gonna talk. I haven't heard him speak a word since.

So, what's this for?

Is Wayne gonna hear what I say?

Uh, no, Wayne's never gonna see this. Promise.

We're not recording.

Do you know what that maniac will do to me if he does?

Do you remember what happened to Joey Sicliano?

- Who's Joey Sicliano? - Exactly.

What's that?

Oh, this is for my Instagram.

Wayne is the best guy.

Heart of gold. Wouldn't hurt a fly.

You can tell us the truth.

This is the truth.

Hey, there, Wayne. Brother.

Okay, Jesus Christ. Just get the hell outta here.

So, Mr. Hikes. We have a few questions.

They ain't mine.

- What's that? - Someone was making me sell it.

Look, if you guys want the magazines...

Oh, and the money, I have it.

And what magazines are you referring to?

The titty ones?

- Wait... - Orlando.

We're here to ask you about...

Those samurai swords was already in my locker when I got 'em.

I'mma just let you talk first.

Orlando, we're here to ask you questions about Wayne McCullough.

Oh.

Did Wayne do that to your eye?

What? No. This?

The reason I have this is because Wayne isn't here.

I mean, we don't go to the movies together or anything,

but Wayne is my boy.

Whatever you think he did, he's innocent.

You do know that he burned down his house with his dad inside it,

assaulted a man and his boys,

bit his nose off and kidnapped his daughter?

I did not.

Listen, this school is full of some messed-up kids and bullies and shit.

Honestly, it's a dangerous place for all of us.

We got metal detectors on the doors that don't work.

Kids dropping out of school because they're scared to be here.

Wayne's been dealt a bad hand,

so you're gonna have to find somebody else to squeal on him.

Now I gotta sneak off to my next class,

'cause with Wayne gone,

it's open season on Orlandos out there.

Can I bounce?

I have limited resources, but I do everything in my power

to protect my students.

They think his father got it on the job.

- The cancer? - Yeah.

The Sergeant had a run-in with cancer himself.

No, it's okay. It turns out it was not cancer.

I mean, it almost was.

It's like I had it.

At least for a few hours.

Hey.

Wayne's gonna be okay.

I know you got a sweet spot for the boy.

It ain't Wayne.

There was a death in my family.

Argus died this morning.

My Shepherd Terrier.

He was a good dog. He was loyal.

He hated going on walks, which was nice for me

because I hate walking, too.

I don't get pets. All these people in my neighborhood

with these green bags standing around waiting for something to shit.

No, thanks.

I think maybe there's something in my water, you know.

I kept changing the dog food over and over.

What are you talking about?

This is my fourth dog to die in two years.

Argus,

Artemis,

Amadeus,

Apricot.

Oh, so you're one of those people

who name all their dogs the same letter.

That's what you got out of this story?

Ah, what the hell is wrong with me?

Four dogs, the picture of health, just drop dead?

Jesus, it's like I'm fucking cursed!

Uh...

I'm very sorry for your loss.

Maybe you're just a bad pet owner.

This motel sucks.

The shower water smells,

the blankets stink like basement.

This towel is really soft though.

Get up. We're going swimming.

We can't go swimming.

We need to be getting on the road, get to Florida,

to my dad's car.

Come on, it's the first sunny day in, like, forever.

I deserve a tan. I look like a gallon of milk.

You saw the pictures in the paper.

We're, like, wanted or whatever.

Relax, it's not like we're Bonnie and Clyde or something'.

I'm swimming in this bikini. Today.

You don't wanna be there, I can't fucking help you,

but this bikini is getting used.

That doesn't look healthy.

What are you? The Prince of England?

Ain't you never heard of a mud bath?

No.

Don't.

I'm joking.

Who the hell would get into that thing?

Shit motel number two!

- Got it? - Yeah, coming through.

Well, no one's fucking in that thing.

- 'Sup? - 'Sup with you?

Heading down to spring break, Daytona.

Currently, on the shitty motel tour all the way there.

Shithole, no doubt.

You know what makes shitty motels seem less shitty?

Getting shit-faced.

We made Pink Panty-Droppers.

- Join. - All right, here we go.

Yeah, cool. All right.

There you go.

Principal Cole, I have to talk to you.

Orlando, what the... Get out of here!

I'm sorry. Are you done using the bathroom?

Uh, no, I wasn't...

I'm just sitting here.

In the bathroom? Just breathing in all this nasty air?

This is the faculty bathroom. How the hell did you get in here?

- I have a key. - To the faculty bathroom? Gimme those.

Okay, this place, this is for me.

This is the only place I have that's for me. It's sacred.

- Listen, it's about Wayne. - Oh, well, in that case, get the hell outta here!

As if that kid hasn't caused me enough freaking vexation.

But we gotta help him.

Look, I know that life's been a little difficult

for you lately without your bodyguard,

but maybe you shouldn't have done a bunch of stuff

that made you need a bodyguard.

But he's just in real trouble. I'm serious.

Look.

These guys, they're going after him. They're buying bats.

Well, maybe they're baseball players.

Look what they wrote.

"Heading out to Florida to kill that motherfucker Wayne."

They're going at him with bats and shit. We need to help him.