Ozark

Okay. Money Laundering 101.

Say you come across a suitcase with five million bucks in it.

What would you buy?

A yacht? A mansion? A sports car?

Sorry. The IRS won't let you buy anything of value with it.

So you better get that money into the banking system.

But here's the problem. That dirty money is too clean.

Looks like it just came out of a bank vault.

You gotta age it up. Crumple it.

Drag it through the dirt. Run it over with your car.

Anything to make it look like it's been around the block.

Next, you need a cash business.

Something pleasant and joyful...

with books that are easily manipulated.

No credit card receipts, etcetera.

You mix the five million with the cash from the joyful business.

That mixture goes from an American bank...

to a bank from any country that doesn't have to listen to the IRS.

It then goes into a standard checking account... and voilà.

All you need is access to one of over three million terminals,

because your work is done.

Your money's clean.

It's as legitimate as anybody else's.

Hi.

What? You don't recognize me without my tits in your face?

How's it going, Raven?

Actually, my name's Margaret.

- You got that pay stub? - Yeah.

Great.

Are they all like this? With no company name? Just a number?

Mm-hmm.

- What about the safe? - It's in the office.

- You sure? - Yeah.

It's black, made of steel.

Has one of those dials you turn, like on my high school locker.

There you go.

So, where to?

- What do you mean? - I'm supposed to fuck you now, right?

Oh, no. Mm-mm.

- What, suck you off? - No, we're good.

Can you give that to the waiter for me, please?

It closed. Forty over asking.

Jonah was born in that house.

And Charlotte was born in another one. We sold that, too.

You sentimentalize property, you can kiss profits goodbye.

I've been thinking about this a lot.

And I... I know that we're not in the best...

I know that trust isn't at its, you know, zenith.

Spit it out, Wendy.

If we were to unsentimentally consider how to protect this little nest egg,

for the sake of the kids, given that the feds have been to our house...

Are you saying you wanna put the assets in your name?

- Seems like the smart thing to do. - That's never gonna happen.

If you get arrested, they can freeze everything.

That's not gonna happen, either.

What if I, uh... What if we... did something with the money?

Maybe real estate?

- Real estate. - As an investment.

Wendy, I'm trying to save our fucking lives here,

not help your new career.

Does it hurt?

What?

Dying.

Life hurts.

Last year, a 12-year-old kid from my school died.

He had cancer.

Well...

"We're born astride the grave."

- You know what that means? - No.

Sit down.

It means...

that we're...

all dying the minute we're born.

Goes fast.

Don't waste it.

Don't waste it.

Would you die without that oxygen?

Hey, I don't know.

Am I dead yet?

Hmm?

Yeah.

Wanna try?

It's cold.

Eduardo, Eduardo...

Excuse me.

Uh, listen.

I hear you.

Whoo!

Yeah.

- Uh, listen, Eduardo... Sí, sí. - Not bad. Not bad.

Yeah. Sí. Sí, sí, sí.

Uh-huh. Well, uh...

Could you represent me in a deal?

Um...

Would that constitute a conflict of interest?

No?

Gracias, amigo.

Okay.

Uh, Charlotte, um, any chance you can throw on a windbreaker or something?

- It's 94 degrees outside. - Yeah, well, if it's readers you're after,

why don't you put some Shakespeare on your ass?

Well, that's smart. You know, it's 2017, Dad.

It's not okay to slut-shame.

Well, it's not okay to wear, you know, Jonah's shorts.

Unbelievable.

What's that about you needing a lawyer?

Don't know what you're talking about.

I didn't know you spoke Spanish.

Uh, three years in high school.

Sounded pretty fluent to me.

Mr. Azria was a real ballbuster.

- So, Chicago. That makes you a Cubs fan? - Yeah, proudly.

Lifelong affliction, or just since it got fashionable?

Uh...

I grew up in, uh, in South Bend and...

kinda came with the territory, you know, like... God and football.

- Mm. - And football.

- Well, I was raised to hate the Cubs. - And I was raised to hate the Cardinals.

Fifty bucks says Cards beats the Cubs in this weekend's series.

Okay, you're on.

Hey! She's 15, asshole!

Shut down.

Come on, honey, sit down. Over there.

- All right. - Be right there, babe.

Who were you just texting?

Why's that any of your business?

'Cause that's what this place is. It's... it's my business.

Did you know, um, last week, after the O'Connors came in for brunch,

that they got home to find out that they were without jewelry,

TV, stereo equipment?

No?

Well, I know you're only a... a dishwasher,

but just so we're clear here, um...

people have certain expectations when they come to a place like this, okay?

They want clean silverware.

They want unlimited refills on their coffee.

And they wanna know that, when they are done eating

and they come home, all their shit is still gonna be there.

She's a fucking thief.

Hello?

How's my money, Marty?

Um, it's good.

Uh, it's better than expected. It's starting to move.

I haven't even seen a million yet.

So when you say "It's starting to move,"

what do you mean, like, it's... Check is in the mail?

Uh, you're gonna have, um, 500 small in 48 hours.

The deal was eight large, okay? This is feeling like a slow trickle.

You know, it's not even, uh, Fourth of July. So...

Ah, American Independence Day.

That's right.

You know what else comes in July?

- Uh, I don't, no. - My birthday.

You wanna know what I want for my birthday?

- No. - I want a good night's sleep...

a good shit...

and several million clean from you.

I can help with the last.

Just admit it, Marty. You're fucked.

We're gonna kill your family, gently, and be done with all this madness.

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say to that.

This is your clinical trial.

This is your experiment and, truth be told, I don't like experiments.

They constipate me.

Just trust me.

No, Marty, I used to trust you. Now I don't know.

Hello?

Ruth, can I talk to you?

Let's go to my office.

- Want to rent the boat tomorrow? - Yeah! Sounds like fun!

Nice.

Like a... like a serial killer's lair.

- I have a job for you. - I thought I already had a job.

There's a safe in Bobby Dean's office. I need what's inside.

You're asking me to rob a strip club?

I am.

Why?

This is a situation where the less you know, the better.

And what's in it for me?

If you wanna get ahead in business,

it's questions like that, asked in that way,

that you're gonna want to avoid.

Fuck you. Is that businesslike enough?

Listen, I don't like to give extraneous details.

There's a safe. And I need the contents.

Anything else would be extraneous or counterproductive.

However, I... I will admit that it is relevant to tell you

that I'm offering you ten percent of what's inside.

And what's on the inside?

That's where we get into the extraneous again.

It's at my risk. I want 80%.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

As your boss, I hope I'm not gonna have to negotiate

every single time I ask you to do something.

- Fifty. - How about I ask somebody else to do it?

I'm gonna give you 25%. And that's it.

How about a nod?

Great. Thank you.

For a stripper job,

you probably should've come dressed a little more provocative.