The Real O'Neals

Kenny: This is the house where my family lives.

Yesterday we were perfect.

The O'Neals were wholesome, well-respected,

religious... the face of St. Barklay's Parish.

Literally.

But then last night happened.

I'm gay, Mom.

What?

I think Kenny said he's gay.

Twice.

And it also sounds like you're getting a divorce.

Unfortunately, the acoustics in here are amazing.

Oh, and as it turns out,

my sister is a thief and my brother's not eating.

Who knows what life will be like for us now?

What the...

Kenny!

There's no one left to wrestle,

so I'm wrestling my demons.

Whoa! No! No! Aah!

Jim...

- - Aah!

Oh.

I stole it from Dad,

but I forgot to steal the bullets.

Hey... Mom.

I'd give you a hug, but I don't have any arms.

Also, you're gay.

Uh, ma, you're bleeding all over the rug.

I'm fine.

Your father's roasting vermin for dinner.

I'd have given my right arm

to see your father cook before the divorce.

Oh, and one more bit of bad news, Kenny.

Because of our sins,

they canceled "Jimmy Kimmel Live!"

What?!

Now I have to get a real job.

What takes like an hour a day and pays a billion dollars?

Wha... nooooo!

Morning.

Hey! Morning, Kenny.

How is everybody?

Pretty fantastic.

What is happening?

Mom's over-performing domesticity

in a misguided attempt to avoid our family's new reality.

And she's making pancakes.

I don't know what's more disturbing...

Bloody stumps and vermin or this breakfast.

Oh, this.

This is definitely more disturbing.

You're always right, Jimmy Kimmel.

- Mmm. Thank you. - You're welcome.

Mom, these pancakes are amazing.

- Oh, thank you. - Mm-hmm.

Uh, so, are we gonna talk about what happened?

Sure. Your father and I

discussed the situation last night,

and we are on the exact same page about everything.

You completely went against our plan.

We were gonna wait until the kids

were in college before we split up.

Oh, and keep up a lie so everyone could think we're perfect?

I am not ashamed that I finally spoke up.

And now we're getting a divorce and sleeping in the same bed.

This is so like you.

You never think things through.

Ah.

You don't need three pillows.

My elbows rub.

So after a restful night's sleep,

I came up with a plan.

I have a plan, too.

- Oh, really? - Uh-huh.

I mean, I don't need it written on a little list, but...

It's up here.

It's a brain plan.

That's made up. Here's how a real plan works.

First, I made Jimmy pancakes in the shape of Jesus

to encourage him to eat and get over his male anorexia.

And it worked. This is my fourth Jesus.

- Ha ha. - Great.

We can cross that off the list.

Next, your father and Jimmy

are gonna go sell that car Shannon illegally bought

with the money she raised for poor African children.

Thanks, guys. That really frees up my day.

Oh, no, young lady. You do not have a "free day."

You have your science fair today,

which we will attend as a family

in perfectly pressed shirts

so we can watch you win first prize

and put this public shaming behind us.

And that is how you make a plan.

Um, okay. Well, actually,

I think you're forgetting

a couple of pretty important things.

Oh?

Like my thing from last night?

Oh. You still have that?

Kenny.

TBD.

What? No. It's not TBD.

It's "D". It's way "D"!

- Well, I thought it was LGBT. - No, just look.

I know this is hard for you

because it means we're not perfect anymore.

But there's no sense in trying to hide it.

- I'm gay and everyone knows it! -

Hey, O'Neals.

Sorry I didn't say goodbye last night.

I had to leave early,

and then I dropped my phone in the toilet.

Did I miss anything?

Nope.

Not a thing.

Giiiiirl.

Mnh-mnh.

Mnh-mnh.

Look, Kenny. I know it's hard,

but you got to break up with Mimi like a man.

Even though you're gay.

Not that gay people aren't men.

Here's a joke.

What do gay horses eat?

You can go sell that car now, Dad.

Thank you.

Dad, I really liked your joke.

Hey. Sorry, Mimi.

Uh, Mimi, I have something to tell you.

Shannon, why don't you show Mimi your science project?

She made an erupting volcano.

Actually, I haven't done it yet.

What?!

But your volcano is gonna win the blue ribbon,

and we are gonna take a picture with it as a family.

It's on my list!

But everyone does a volcano.

It's, like, so expected.

Like, I don't know, a Catholic mom

forcing her son to pretend he's not...

Volcano!

Or something. Now.

Whatever it is, you can tell me.

All right, well, you know how I was right about your bangs?

Uh-huh.

They just frame your face so perfectly.

Mm-hmm.

- - Oh, my gosh!

Mimi, I'm so sorry.

I...Tripped.

Why don't you go upstairs and get cleaned off

before my heterosexual son

thinks this is a wet t-shirt contest?

- - Okay.

I got some in my eye.

Yeah. Oh, I'm sorry.

It really burns.

Yeah, go on ahead there, hon.

- Ow! - Okay.

Just take your time there, honey!

You cannot keep me from telling Mimi forever!

How do you even know you are what you say you are?

You're still just a kid.

You've never even had relations with a girl.

It's like when you were little

and you said you hated papaya,

but you hadn't even tried it.

Then once you tried it, you couldn't get enough.

Hi.

Oh.

How are you guys?

Well, my mom doesn't think I'm gay,

and she wants me to try Mimi's papaya.

Yeah.

Eileen, the good news is, the community is behind you.

I ran into Kelly Butler at the grocery store.

She didn't want to stop by and bother you,

but she told me to give you this ham.

Pity pork.

Do you see how far we've fallen, Kenny?

Yeah, you know, 'cause that's what people send

when you've had a gay in the family.

This hunk of junk. Your sister buys stupid cars!

Whoa! African candy.

You know the car's not from Africa, right, buddy?

What's that?

So, what's the brain plan, Dad?

Well, I got to be honest, Jimmy.

The brain plan is not a thing.

Lots of things are changing,

and we're just gonna play it out.

After my friend Jason's parents got divorced,

his dad got a sweet new condo

with a tennis court and a rec room,

and there were airline pilots that lived in the building, Dad.

- Yeah? - Yeah!

Yeah, I mean, divorce sucks,

but the one nice thing