Family Guy

¶ it seems today that all you see ¶

¶ is violence in movies and sex on tv ¶

¶ but where are those good ol d-fashioned values ¶

¶ on which we used to rely? ¶

¶ lucky there's a family guy ¶

¶ lucky there's a man who positively can do ¶

¶ all the things that make us ¶

¶ laugh and cry ¶

¶ he's... A... Fam... Ily... Guy! ¶

Good evening. I'm diane simmons.

In traffic news, heavy gridlock on the 195 interchange.

We now go live to drunk billy in the channel 5 newscopter.

This just in.

Channel 5 newscopter pilot drunk billy passed away today.

In anticipation of this event,

We put together a clip package

Featuring some of billy's work for channel 5 news.

"I'm still hungry, " said the very hungry caterpillar.

"but you've already..."

Drunk billy will be missed.

But what you shouldn't miss is the quahog rodeo,

Coming to the civic center this Friday.

Tickets are on sale now.

And for those of you who are handy with a horse,

Entry spots are still open.

Oh, god, this seems like the kind of thing peter...

Too late, brian.

Peter, you're gonna enter the rodeo?

That's stupid.

You don't know anything about horses,

And you're in terrible shape.

You know, that's the difference between you and me, lois.

When life comes knocking at the door,

You go and hide in the kitchen.

I fling the door wide open and I say,

"peter griffin here. What do you got?"

And if that don't convince you, look at this.

In this week's tv guide, it says,

"peter gets more than he bargained for

When he joins the rodeo."

Well, it's in the guide.

Hey, can we make that a thing?

Can we start calling tv guide, "the guide"?

You know what? I'm not even asking anymore.

That's what we're doing.

Who says I couldn't be a rodeo star?

I got more cowboy blood in me than billy the kid.

¶ well, he robbed his way from utah to oklahoma ¶

¶ and the law just could not seem to track him down ¶

¶ and it served his legend well ¶

¶ for the folks, they loved to tell ¶

¶ about when billy the kid came to town. ¶

¶ ¶

Hyah!

Dad, what are you doing?!

All right, meg, this is only gonna hurt

For about three weeks.

What the hell?

That there's my steer, griffin.

All right, lois. Go ahead. Say it.

Chris, it's time for supper.

Ho der, ho der, ho der!

Ho der, ho der, ho der, ho der!

Ho der, ho der, ho der! Ho der, ho der!

Ho der, ho der, ho der.

ho der, ho der, ho der.

Ho der.

All right. I am ready for the rodeo.

Mom, when's it dad's turn?

I don't know, chris.

But I think we should all pray for your father

That he comes out of this uninjured.

Those horses stink.

And it's too hot in here.

I fell asleep in the car, so now I'm cranky.

This is a disgusting display.

Boy, you can say that again.

Nothing like a bunch of adult men teasing animals for fun.

It's amazing that this is still legal.

The only reason I'm here

Is 'cause my idiot friend is in the rodeo.

I only came 'cause I'm writing a magazine article.

One of the competitors

Is a 13-year-old female riding prodigy.

Apparently she got on the bull to miscarry,

And found out she had a talent for it.

Announcer (over speaker): Ladies and gentlemen, give an indifferent east coast welcome

To the newest bullrider, peter the kid!

You know what I am back at the ranch?

I'm a breeding bull.

W-what-what's that?

You gonna find out. (gasps)

Where you goin', fatty?

We gonna have a party.

No! No!

No! No!

So, what magazine do you write for?

I'm the editor for teen people.

Editor?

Well, gosh, you know, I'm something of a writer myself.

I-I wrote for the new yorker for a little while.

Wow, that's impressive.

Are you looking for work?

Oh, no. No, no, no.

I-I never have to look too far for that.

I... W-w-what are you...

What do you... What-what do you got?

Well, we're looking for someone to write a piece

On the everyday activities

Of the average american teenage girl.

Oh, I love teenage girls.

It's all ahead of them, you know?

They haven't turned into bitches yet.

Oh, it's true.

What happened to all of us?

I got a house on the cape. Maybe you come visit.

: Maybe.

Maybe you call a few days in advance

To give me time to get the house clean.

Okay.

Maybe you bring a blazer,

So we can go to a wider range of restaurants.

I'll-I'll bring a blazer.

You see this, rupert?

Most children build a sand castle.

But I'm building a sand retreat for singles in their 30s.

: Hi, I'm jeremy.

I work in corporate finance.

: Hi, I'm a french canadian girl

Down here on my vacation.

It's a big deal for me to be down here on my own.

I like the swimming pool with a bar in it

'cause you can sit on a barstool and you're in the water.

: I like how all the food and drink is included

In the price of the ticket.

: Yeah, that way you don't have

To bring your cash down from the room.

: Okay, I was just looking for a friend of mine,

So maybe I'll see you later.

: Good for you, janine.

You promised yourself you'd talk to somebody and you did it.

: Brian, what are you doing up there?

Shh. I'm writing an article

On teenage girls for a magazine.

I'm studying meg to see what goes on during her day.

Well, be careful you don't fall off that ladder.

Not all dogs go to heaven.

So, says here you were involved

In the plotting of September 11?

Well, that's what they get for supporting israel.

Hyuck, yuck, yuck. Gawsh.

Okay, into the eternal pit of fire you go.

Wa-hoo-hoo-hoo-ee!

You know, brian, just because you're writing a profile

On teenage girls, it doesn't mean you have

To be a creepy stalker and follow meg around all day.

It's called research, stewie.

I'm just being thorough.

Where the hell is she going?

There's nothing out in this part of town.

What is that, brian?

What is an adult correctional institute?

It's a prison, stewie.

Ah.

One would think they could just say that.

Hi, meg.

Hi, luke.

Oh, my god.

Meg's dating a convict!

Oh looks like consuela's son is in prison.

I see you soon, rodrigo.

Si, mama.

It's really good to see you, meg.

It's been a while.

I know. I'm sorry, luke.

It's just so hard to get over here

Without anybody finding out.

Have you gotten all the letters and hair that I've sent?

It's the only thing

That's getting me by, meg. Thank you.

How'd your parole hearing go?

Not good.

Looks like I'm gonna be in here another three years.

Oh, luke.

Oh, I don't expect you to wait for me, meg.

No, I will, luke.

If it takes ten years or 20 years,

I will be here when you get out.

Oh, my god!

Meg's involved with a convict!

Wow, meg's like one of those crazy chicks

Who hooks up with an even crazier guy.

Brian, you bastard!

How could you do this to me?!

I'm sorry, meg. I had to tell them!

Don't give him crap for this, meg.

He did exactly the right thing by coming to us.

Don't you know what kind of fire

You're playing with, dating a prisoner?

Hold on, lois. This is some serious parenting.