Dead Pixels

Almost ready to storm the Citadel and defeat the Hive Mother.

CHORAL MUSIC This is the culmination of... everything.

MUSIC STOPS Oh, I need a tea!

Do you want one? Erm... No, thanks. OK.

I'm a massive woman! Quack-quack-quack! I'm a giant running woman!

You know what, Nicky, we lead very thin lives,

but we have this

and you best believe we paid our dues. Hallelujah.

Did you just sneer at my dinner?

No. I just looked at it.

So, how about we all slay the Hive Mother together

and then I'm gone?

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

Oh, my God. We just saved the Ninth Kingdom.

OK. Wait for the drop. This is going to be huge!

MUSICAL FANFARE What the actual fuck?!

I should probably, erm...

Yeah. I need to, erm, boot up Destiny 2.

You're not gonna believe this. They just announced an expansion pack!

Good morrow, fair maiden. Good morrow, Meg.

Happy expansion day!

It's finally here. The next chapter. The new instalment.

It's over.

After eight long deathly months, the content drought is finally over.

Look at me spooning this delicious content into my mouth.

Nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom!

Content! Content! Content! Content! Content! Content!

Look at all that lovely content you're consuming!

This is just the start, Alison.

They're going to be pumping content down my throat with one of those giant metal pipes

they use to blast acorns into geese.

Doof! Doof! Doof! Doof! Doof! Doof! Doof! Doof! Doof!

God, I'm actually a bit nervous.

I could barely sleep. I woke up about 4am and went for a big sploshy wee.

Yes, I heard that. I couldn't get back to sleep!

It's like Christmas morning,

if Christmas morning were 500 hours long!

500 hours of content just being bled into my face from a giant content horn.

Sorry, what are these here that you have on?

Oh, laptop trousers.

Laptop trousers? For when we want to go portable.

Meg made them for us. Strengthened pockets for power cables

and I have added some padding here and here to insulate us from getting hot thigh.

A lot of people are saying battery heat can give you cancer of the upper thigh.

I mean, who knows? Right, well, I'm off!

Greece? Athens?

The holiday?

Oh, sorry, Alison!

Look at us, banging on.

Er, no... Greece! God, you'll bloody love that, won't ya?

What a country!

Olives, oil,

fucking...

Recessions? Mm.

Starting off in Naxos and then heading over to Athens,

the Acropolis! Oh, the Acrop... Did you hear that, Nicky?

Alison's going to see the Acropolis.

Now, that's a very old building, isn't it?

That's correct, Meg.

How big is it, the Acropolis, in hours?

I don't think I understand the question.

'Tis a wonderous day to be alive.

You should take your time to smell the flowers, young Alison,

for one day they will wither,

for now is the summertime of your youth.

Thank you for those sage words, Meg.

I'll be back in a week. Look after everything here

and, I'm joking, but please don't urinate

in any of my nice drinking glasses.

SHE SINGS INDISTINCTLY

THEY HUM LOUDLY

# Kingdom Scrolls

# It's fun for young and old

# We come to fight for gold

# And Experience Po-oints!

# Kingdom Scrolls

# Oh, lovely Kingdom Scrolls

# A tale of fate foretold

# And Experience Points #

OK, I'm on the epilepsy warning. "Warning! Playing games may induce seizures."

I'll take regular breaks, then, shall I?

Maybe I'll open a window! THEY LAUGH

But, seriously, I'm going to try and not turn it into a grind this time. Just relax and, er, enjoy the ride.

I'm joking! I am on a straight line to the new-level cap.

I'm essentially a sentient chair until I hit level 110.

You know, they say sitting down is the new smoking.

Well, I guess that makes me the fucking Marlboro Man.

No-one speaks for the next six to eight minutes.

Behold,

Kingdom Scrolls End Days begin. SHE SHUDDERS

Look what the tide dragged in, Tanadaal Kwan.

Emperor Vintoto, we meet at last.

"You look a little green around the gills."

"My people are in need."

A plague sweeps the land.

A plague! Ooh, there's a fucking plague!

"Buckle up, guys, because we are about to meet the tenth emperor."

Holy shit!

Tanadaal Kwan, it's time to reclaim your birthright!

Sorry, who the fuck is that?

Why is there a fucking koi carp with man legs?

Look at his arms! It's got tiny fish arms!

How does he even feed himself? I don't even know how he gets his little Speedo on in themorning.

S-S-Ssh! Just shut up, OK? I'm sure it all makes sense.

"OK, I've seen enough. I'm bailing."

BEEPING OK, there's more.

They've introduced loot boxes.

"Are you serious? Loot boxes?"

They're on the menus. 12 Kingdom Crates for 9.99

Well, I guess they finally did it. They monetised me.

To be honest, I'm just surprised it took them this long.

Looks like we've got ourselves an addict!

Shouldn't you at least open a crate before you decide you're addicted to opening crates?

"Oh, a free one!"

Yep, I'm a goner.

Out comes the credit card, bang goes the driving lessons.

OK, this is happening.

There are carps with legs and buttocks.

Huh.

Fine! Great!

"Imagine this guy trying to take a crap."

He couldn't even get his pants down, let alone clean himself.

All right, Usman!

Crate number one contains... nothing of note.

Crate number two... Nothing of note. Crate number three?

Plimsolls and a bag of sand. Ah.

Crate number four contains... nothing of note.

Hello?

Is it safe... to come in?

Oh! Meg!

I was half expecting to find the wheelie bin in the living room!

You and Nicky wiping your bottoms on the tea towels!

So, how was your week? The content feast?

Nom. Nom. Nom. Nom. Nom. Nom. Nom.

No, yeah, it was, erm,

it was incredible. Yeah?

I love it, actually.

SHE CLEARS THROAT Erm...

There's fish people in it now.

Oh, right! Yeah.

It's, erm, been quite divisive amongst the community.

A bit of hate speech flying around.

Weirdly, it became a trans issue on Twitter some point around Thursday.

I can't remember why, but, erm...

Yeah, no, it's... it's brilliant.

Lock up your valuables. Crate-head incoming.

Nicky! Meg was just telling me about the new expansion pack.

Oh, yeah! No, it's cool. I've just been on the crates for seven days.

The crates? Loot boxes. Surprise mechanics!

Basically, I pay to unlock things that I don't really want.

Hm, maybe I've got a problem.

I haven't at all.

I'm actually only spending about £63 a day on crates.

And what do you get for that, your £63?

Various degrees of detritus. Tags, emotes, skins.

Snagged an ultra-rare gunmetal parasol on Tuesday.

Oh! But, er, apart from that,

just mostly bollocks.

Meg tells me there's fish people in it now.

Oh, don't! They're the worst.

They make no sense. Where have they even come from?

Because, Nicky, they were forced to evolve when they were driven out of the Grey Sea,

which is completely toxic,

much like the nature of the discourse.

So in one evolutionary cycle, an entire race of fish creatures developed man legs, did they, Meg?

Yes, Nicky, evidently they did.

What about their infrastructure? Their palace under the sea with the minarets built from coral shell?

They know what they're doing, the developers.

Sure they do. Going after the Fortnite money.

Fishmen, hats, loot boxes.

I'm just another money nerd waiting to be squeezed.

Speaking of which,

crates beckon.

Well, Meg, that all sounds great! And Greece was lovely.

Oh, er, Greece. Sure.

Also, erm,

I met someone! Jay.

He's a bit older. He's 32.

He's losing his hair a bit, but he owns his own digital PR firm.

And we went out on this old rickety boat -

It's not very good, Alison!

Oh! Oh, Meg!

What?

It's fine. I'm fine.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Now I've just wasted all of my annual leave

and...

Look at you. All the things you've done.

So much things.

Oh. I mean, it... I-It wasn't that great!

It was only Greece!

Ooh, the cradle of Western civilisation? Pfft!

And the Parthenon was so small.

Was it?

Oh, yeah! Tiny. I mean, they should call it the Half-enon

because it's half as big as y-you think it's going to be.

Anyway, the point is, Meg, is that it was really disappointing.

But then, you know, I met Jay, so you never know.

Yeah.

OK.